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» Terrible food

Badger badger badger, mushroom mushroom!
This is one of the most horrible stories I have ever heard. It features, as you can guess, Students and Badgers and was related to me by my mate, Rory, (names haven't been altered to protect the guilty).

Anyway, Rory was at uni with a bunch of agricultural students, basically young farmers.
They indulged in the usual students antics involving dressing up as women and stealing turkeys at night from local farms.

One evening, they were walking back from the local when they saw a dead badger at the side of the road. Seeing the opportunity to raise his hardness rating, Beardy, for that was his name, picked up said badger and carried it back to their digs announcing that he would eat it.

Once back at home, Beardy skinned the badger which had lain for probably all day at the least by a road in the sun and then cut off the "choiciest" bits and proceded to fry them with plenty of sauce. Rory said that the smell as he was skinning it was bad enough but when the meat began to cook it became unbearable. Still, fuelled by alcohol and testosterone, Beardy managed to eat a large portion of the badger before dumping the rest of the carcass in the bins behind the flats and settling down for a good nights X-boxing.

Morning broke and with it came the sounds of a rather unwell Beardy evacuating himself with rather more gusto than usual. He continued in this way most of the morning with a raging fever and almost hollow inside. He decided to try to replenish his fluids with beer which didn't have the desired effect. By now the flat reeked of dead badger from the night before as the washing up hadn't been done and now the smell of digested badger vomit and his colon.

Two days later and Beardy was now shitting blood in copious amounts and admitted defeat and called the doctor. Doctor immediately diagnoses acute food poisinong and asks what he had eaten. "Dead badger" replies Beardy and explains what had happened.

The Doctor then places Beardy in hospital whereupon he is stuck full of more needles than a voodoo doll and interviewed and tested by a Contagious Diseases team.

It took two weeks for Beardy to get back to "normal" and he swears that his days of eating dead animals found by the sides of the roads are over.

Length? 2 feet long and a foot wide before it went in.
(Thu 17th May 2007, 13:15, More)

» DIY Techno-hacks

Batteries not included...
My ex and I used to enjoy a fair bit of battery operated fun when we were at uni in Exeter. As you can imagine, horny students plus battery swallowing toys plus very limited spare change, (I was spending most of my money on my home cinema goodies and my 4x4 but thats for another post), meant that sooner or later the financial aspect would give us some pause for thought.

By this point we had built up a fair collection thanks to the Love Shack just off the main street. Great selection and the manager has a couple of really nice Kawazaki Z1300s there. I recommended it most heartily. Any way, we now had more toys than we were willing to fund and something had to be done about it.

"AHAR!!" says I, in fake piratey voice. "Maybe there's another way to shiver her timbers?"

So off I trotski to the Radioshack in the next street and pick up a mains transformer and a selection of mono head phone sockets and multiplugs... can you guess what it is yet?

Once I had assembled all my nefarious goodies I liberated a soldering iron from the Engineering block where I was studying and retired to my room for some serious Macgyvering in the pursuit of pleasuring the other half, (or 2/5ths as we calculated at one point).

Any way, after some time I emerge with...DEVASTATOR! Most powerful of all Shagobots, formed from the union of the Dildobots and capable of reducing a paving slab to gravel or a lusty student girl to squeals of joy in less than a second.

It basically consisted of an adjustable voltage transformer, adjustable from 3 to 15 volts with a single 3.5mm mono jack, like a headphone plug, as it's output. (Since most of our goodies ran at 3v to start with that gave us some extra power to really speed things up!)

That mono jack was then plugged into a four way adapter allowing a wide selection of the other toys that I had adapted to be run at the same time by soldering wires onto the motor terminals and then out of the casings and onto other headphone plugs!

WOOYAY!!! We now had almost limitless power and could run as many toys as we liked. Eggs, Butterflies, Dils, you name it. This earned me many brownie points for a while until we melted the motor on one of her toys.

Did I:

a: throw it in the bin and carry on with the others?
b: buy her another one as a present?
c: do what any self respecting engineer would do after blowing an engine and put a bigger one in instead?

It just so happened that our engineering set had just done a project on gyroscopes and balancing mechanisms and there were a couple of 15v R/C motors hanging about. R/C motors are the pumped up steroid versions of normal motors and are able to pump out stupid amounts of speed and torque without breaking a sweat....see where I'm going here?

It just so happened that one of those engines will **just** fit into the body of our newly deceased toy. With a new counter weight fitted, made of steel and profiled to give maximum weight and throw inside the body and with some padding inside to hold it all in position it was completed.

To lift a quote from the original movie:


Holy mother of all that is holy! Finally able to use the full 15v from the mains and with as much current as we liked this thing was truly animal. It sounded awesomely like a motorbike when at tickover or on full throttle. The howl it made when we cranked it up actually made my GF looked quite scared! She used it once and complained that a half speed it started hurting and at 3/4 speed actually left her bruised inside. I used it to bash a hole through a sheet of plaster board and we didn't really take it over a third of it's power after that. Like having a Bugatti Veyron though, it's not that you may ever use it's full power but it's nice to know it's there if you need it.

I miss those days...

Length: 10"
Width: 2"
Speed: 15,000rpm @15v
(Sat 22nd Aug 2009, 9:38, More)

» Family Holidays

70mph naked highjinks.
Not so much a family holiday but...

My uncle Hamish has a number of great friends with whom he used to travel around Europe with. One of the said friends has a curious desire to get nekkid whenever he gets drunk. Much hilarity has ensued from this along the lines of getting him to try peeing over the top of a car without hitting it, successful, to trying to pee onto the ceiling, he pooed himself.

Anyway, one holiday out in Italy, Hame and his mates are blasting along some back roads when his mate decides to get some nudey action in and strips off in the car and climbs out of the sun roof and holds onto the roof rack like a wobbly pink Spiderman. The second he was up there, Hame wound the sunroof shut and floored it.

After about 5 mins of screaming from above them they decide to do the decent thing and drive onto the Autoroute next to them.

Apparently they drove past a bus load of school kids who all pissed themselves laughing at the screaming naked man with flapping nads perched on top of the car and they were followed for about 5 miles by an old man who must have had the worst view possible.

After a while they pulled over and let Mr Naked back in. He was almost in shock and to my knowledge stopped the naked japes from that point on.

Length? It was flapping about so much I couldn't measure it.
(Fri 3rd Aug 2007, 16:03, More)

» Guilty Secrets

I left my pregnant girlfriend...
My girlfriend at the time, a long time ago, was up the duff with twins. Wooyay! thinks I at the thought of the patter of tiny feet.

Sadly it was not to be. It turns out she was into my best mate, Ben who was always around my house back then. Understandably upset I did the only thing that seemed sensible to me at that age (early 20s): I left her and tried to find a new life with a religious cult who made me change my name...wankers.

Years pass as they do.

Not so long ago, some lads appear at my house and try smashing it up. I go after them but they run off. Later, I find out that one of the little bastards is my son who has fallen in with a bad crowd so I go and see him to patch things up. He is rightfully pissed at the way I treated him and we end up having a BIG bust up and he leaves me again.

It turns out Ben, the guy who was into my ex-missus, had told him I was dead so Me turning up was something of a surprise to him and turned him nearly suicidal.

I was pretty down about him hating me so much so I went back to my cult guys and they told me to try to bring him into the fold so to speak. I finally got him to come for a few days but we ended up having another even bigger bust up.

Turns out I was the arsehole in this as the Cult Leader tried attacking my boy during the bust up so I got a few in on him and we left sharpish.

Long story short, We patched it up but I feel very guilty about both leaving my preggers gf and not telling my kids I was their dad. My son was fine and the daughter was okay about it after a bit and forgave me for what I did.

Great kids, really.

D. Vader
(Fri 31st Aug 2007, 18:14, More)

» Stupid Dares

Turn up the heat...
Most of my dares seem to revolve around chilli or other hot foods so here we go...

Dare #1:

Tiger Balm. This stuff is kind of like deep heat in that it warms and relaxes muscles. My mate, Fish, was curious about the stuff so i told him it was a numbing agent and dared him to rub a couple of fingerfulls into his eye lids. The Fish, never one to back out of a dare, stepped up the challenge and proceded to really scrub that balm in. It took about 5 seconds for things to kick off by which point it was well beyond the point of no return. He started yelling and ran out of the room but crashed into the door as his eyes weren't quite working as well as they used to and then spent about 10 minutes with his head under a cold tap cursing me and saying that when he could see again he would kick the shit out of me. It took about 2 hours before his eyes could focus properly and come even slightly close to normal again. thankfully, by this point he had seen the funny side and has looked for other victims to try this prank out on.

Dare #2:

The sauce of death. Not the hottest sauce in the world but, at a bracing 120,000 Scovilles, is about 50 times hotter than Tabasco. here is the link if you want some: www.hotsauce.com/Da-Bomb-Beyond-Insanity-Hot-Sauce-p/1321.htm

Anyway, This stuff is like thick dark ketchup and even the tiniest smear can leave your tongue, and any other place you touch if you forgot to REALLY wash your hands, burning for really rather a long time. The worst thing about this is that the delay time before it kicks in is in the order of about 5 seconds. before that it has a lovely smokey flavour and then blows your head off. Fish, again, and his brother Gus were over at mine to help me move house and the drinks were flowing. Gus was emptying my cupboard when he saw my hot sauce selection and asked what was the hottest. Da bomb was duly pointed out and he dared us to dare him to drink a teaspoon full. Bear in mind that I like my spicy foods and three drops on a triple decker bacon and egg sarnie nearly rendered it inedible for me. This was too good to pass up and so Gus was soon lined up with said spoon. Quick as a flash, spoon in the gob and then rinsing it down with beer.

"Ah, that's not too bad" says the gus.

"3...2...1..." says I.

" Naa, it's not that baaa..aaaarrrrggghhhhh!!!!"


I have never seen someone in that much pain before. it was spectacular. his face was the colour of beetroot and tears were running down his face. his nose was snotting and he was almost puking. Thank god I had three tubs of yogurt in the fridge as I swear he was almost passing out. Over the next twenty minutes he made my kitchen look like a bomb site as he smeared yogurt over his mouth and lips to cool the burning and spooned the rest of it into his mouth to stop the pain. he couldn't move his mouth properly so half of it dribbled onto the floor and countertop. Fish and I were almost as close as he was to passing out and crying just as hard but for entirly different reasons. Fish had a swig of beer and proclaimed that even the tiny smidge left on the bottle made his eyes water.

Top tip? If you are doing a chilli dare, always have plenty of yogurt about.

Top tip 2? Never try my hot sauces without sober supervision.

Length? It brought tears to his eyes.
(Wed 7th Nov 2007, 9:22, More)
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