» Family Feuds

Fresh from the oven
Family feud? I reckon I might well have just started one.

Last weekend my sister decided to visit me at uni. Nothing that out of the ordinary, except that my girlfriend's family also decided it was about time they found out if the rest of my family are as screwed up as myself. The only reason I agreed is because my sister's the only one who's remotely sane - myself included. So there's 6 of us going around Sheffield, having a pretty decent time all round - me, my girlfriend, my sister, the parents ... and *her* 17 year old sister. This girl (let's call her R) and me have always had a bit of friendly arguing going on. She's been more than happy to give me everything ranging from dirty looks to attempts at dead legs, and I've been content in treating her like a bratty little sister. However, this time round she goes a little too far and starts getting on my nerves. So, I decide to get a little payback.

Two things before I carry on with this - first, R is ridiculously paranoid, and easy to wind up with it. I can get her to panic by just staring at the back of her neck and giggling slightly. Secondly, I have a really nasty sense of humour, *particularly* when it comes to practical jokes. I once 'shopped a tattoo onto my girlfriend's facebook photo as an April Fool's, just to watch her parents' reaction. Now, a particular favourite of mine is to leave an apparently used condom in a bag - relax, it's only milk, I'm not a total bastard. I even rinse them off to make sure it doesn't leave any lube around. My sister's already encountered this one before, but luckily (for her, at least) she found it while she was at home. R, on the other hand, was not so lucky...

Having put up with her most of Saturday, I get a chance to leave my calling card in her bag while she's out of the room. Me, my girlfriend and sister watch her folks leave while sniggering to ourselves and taking bets on how long it'll be there for. Personally, I'd reckon it be found the next day, but come Sunday, no mention of it. Yesterday, I got home from lectures to find a particularly harsh facebook message from R. It turns out she'd finally found the condom. In her geography class. Stuck to her folder. In front of her mates and her teacher. Did I mention she goes to a Catholic school?

Needless to say, I found this absolutely bloody hilarious. But I seriously doubt she'll forgive me for this one, and the parent's might have a few strong words for me too. I've also just realised that I'm going with her to the Motorhead gig in Manchester this weekend, so any b3tans in the area keep an eye on the sky for a pair of speeding objects - it'll probably be my lovespuds being knocked into orbit.

Apologies for length - it was an extra-large brand
(Tue 17th Nov 2009, 10:47, More)

» Drunk Parents

Does losing a lung count?
Most of the time my parents are fairly tame when drunk - maybe their jokes get slightly cruder, and double entendres tend to slip towards single entendres. About the worst that happens is my mum's wine allergy kicks in and she ends up being almost able to cook a fry-up on her face. However, there's a few times when it goes that little bit too far, and there's one particular incident that always springs to mind.

I must have been about 8 or 9 at the time, so I can't remember all that much. I remember my dad going out for a drink with a couple of workmates (including an uncle), and then he was in hospital for a few weeks with pneumonia. I can remember going to visit him every now and then, but whenever mum brought me and my sister along there was always a very slightly tense air between her and dad. "Fair enough" says I, "maybe she was just worried about him".

It wasn't until later that I found out exactly *how* he ended up in hospital - something my uncle was only too happy to inform us of. Y'see, it turns out that after closing time, my dad felt like enjoying the company of my mum. But, given that she was all the way back home, he'd decided to settle on the next best thing that looked vaguely similar - a postbox.

(For the record, yes my mum is about the same build and complexion, especially after the wine, but still - easy to see why she was so pissed at him)

Luckily he passed out before he was able to do anything more than hug it while bawling my mum's name, but not quite so luckily my uncle was too twatted to do anything more than leave him on the pavement for the night - hence the pneumonia, and eventually losing a lung.

My dad's no longer allowed out on the piss.
(Tue 1st Mar 2011, 11:26, More)

» Puns

Not my best, but too recent
After a hard day's procrastination, a few mates were going on about the headline from the Daily Mail about a week ago saying that Facebook causes cancer - something that tested limits even for the Daily Mail in terms of credibility.

I wondered aloud how they could test that in research conditions, and came up with the groan-inducing "Maybe they signed up a few lab rats to MiceSpace..."

*waits for the backlash*
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 21:29, More)

» Irrational Hatred

Women's Magazines
Every time I walk past a newsagents, and see all the womens magazines stacked up on the shelves, I just see red. As far as I can tell, I lump them into two broad categories of purely platonic rage:

First, the "celebrity" magazines (Hello, OK, etc) which seem to almost exclusively consist of Jordan and related twuntishness. But despite familiarity breeding contempt (and believe me, it's at the point where I could enter a pedigree contempt into Crufts), I'm used to this and merely wish the psychotic bint an agonising death (and even then, there'd be another few months of news over the whole thing).

Second, and much more psychotically hated, the "life stories" magazines (Take a break, etc). Now, I'm not quite sure what drives women through their daily routines, but a quick glimpse at these sorts of magazines makes me feel that everyone who developed ovaries at birth has a real sense of sadomasochism.

Has anyone really looked at these things lately? They practically scream MURDER! PAEDOS! RAPE! CANCER! FREAKS! in a glaring pink and yellow font designed to give me a headache. I mean, who really gets off on reading this on a lunch break? What sort of twisted person discusses this in the canteen? "Oooh, this girl got molested by her stepfather's hairdresser's budgie. Pass the salt, Carol" It makes no sense...

Fuck it - I need to calm the hell down before I explode in a cloud of confused rage.
(Fri 1st Apr 2011, 12:36, More)

» Puns

A little off-topic, and more than a little late
Visited my girlfriend's family for the first time last Christmas, and things seemed to go pretty well - although if it weren't for the fact I *knew* we were going holly picking, then the sight of her entire extended family turning up with axes and knives would've been a little... offputting.

Anyway, they'd saved the Choosing Of The Christmas Tree until she got home, and I went along for the ride. Or at least, we would have done if it weren't for my girlfriend's little sister.

She was taking an awfully long time getting ready, when the rest of us were already dressed and waiting. GF's dad - top bloke - starts to get irritated, wondering how it can take a teenage girl an hour just to get ready to go out and pick up a fir tree.

I guess my response of "Can't blame her for sprucing up" helped to smooth things up a little, heh.

That is all...
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 23:27, More)