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» School Trips

I think the length is worth a read.
I was never in the scouts but most of my friends were and it was for this reason that i went on a big week long school scout trip with said friends. This was a big thing with big marquee tents, one for the eight or so boys and one for the five or so girls.

At the time I had a thing about pooing. I HATED pooing away from home and tried to hold in my effluent for as long as possible while on the trip. Eventually my sphinctre could hold back the tide no more and so I tried to go, discreetly, to the small tent that covered the shitter (hole in ground lovingly reffered to as the "shit pit").
It was as I scrunched my way over to the tent that a friend saw me and realised that I was trying to go off for a sneaky one.
He stood in the middle of the field and screamed at the top of his voice,

"Hey everyone, Will's going for a shit"

Needless to say I was very very embarrased. Especially when my fellow pupils gathered round and started slapping the tent as a mammoth melon-like shit escaped via the back door.

There was another time on said trip where I walked into my tent, trying to find a kid named David.
I found him alright.
There he was in the middle of the tent, for anyone to see if they had walked in, bent over with his trousers and underwear round his ankles.

He was inserting a Cadburys Chocolate Finger into his rectum

I stood there for a moment in a stunned silence. His eyes were closed with a serene look on his face and he hadnt seen me.

"What the fuck are you doing?" I enquired.

He was so shocked to see me that I'm fairly sure he would have shit himself with fright if he had not had a chocolate finger protruding from his buttocks.

I left before anything else could be said but he later told me that when he removed the finger it had very little chocolate covering and that the next day he pooed little bits of chocolate with his normal poo.
We called him "Fingers" for the rest of the trip.

Same trip, same boy. He went into some public toilets when we went out shopping for food. Unfortunately he didnt look before he leapt and it was only when he reached for the bog roll that he realised there was none left. He proceeded to wipe his arse on his underwear and then put the underwear back on. He didnt see this as abnormal behaviour.

No apologies for length. Fingers arent that long anyway.
(Sat 9th Dec 2006, 23:44, More)

» Hotel Splendido

Worst. Hotel. Ever.
To set the scene I was once on a road trip through the States. I had just left Vegas and was on my way to San Fran which is a bit of an epic journey, especially after those late nights in Vegas.

It was getting late and thought I'd best pull over to stop myself falling asleep at the wheel. I could see a motel up ahead and when I got there the lass on the desk showed me to a room. My suspicions were first alerted when I noticed that there was no electric power here and it was lit with candles. There was nowhere else for miles though so thought I had better just make the most of it.

On finding my room it was pretty average. Nothing to write home about but there was a telephone in there where I could ask for room service. I ordered some food and a dry white but the guy said they didn't have any alcohol at all! So much for Vegas! He also said the kitchen was closed but I could join him and his wife for dinner which was pretty nice of him.

Now this is where it all got a bit mental. The dinner was pretty fancy. Laid on with silver service and the main feature being a large platter covered with one of those silver domes that's lifted off at the last minute. As expected it had a pig with an apple stuffed in its mouth underneath it but Christ! It was alive! The owner and his wife set about it with their knives, stabbing it over and over again but the thing just wouldn't die. It just writhed around spouting blood everywhere.

The last thing I remember was running for the door. The night watchman told me I couldnt leave but I socked him one accross the jaw and got out of there sharpish. Anyway, Im sure you'll agree. Pretty crazy.

(Sat 19th Jan 2008, 17:02, More)

» School Trips

Biology Expedition to Egypt
Last summer the school ran a Biology expedition to Egypt. Everyone worked mega hard to raise enough cash to go and then we were off. Flew to Sharm el Sheikh where we were accosted by many street sellers and the international crazy frog.
Then into the heart of the desert for a weeks trek to an oasis where we conducted some research for t' government. Incredible time had by all watching the shooting stars fly over the desert sky while lying on your back sleeping on the bare sand. Then leave the desert for a week by the ocean staying in the Ras Mohammed National Park complete access to the sea whenever we wanted for snorkelling in the coral reef and fully catered for by the bedouins. Tents we were staying in about 10 metres from the shore.
Completely free diving course paid for by Operation Wallacea for all our hard work in the desert. Passing the diving course and diving in the Red Sea. Utterly blissful. Not forgetting for a second how lucky I am.

Unfortunately a group of absolute cnuts decided to ruin the fun when they blew apart some hotels for a laugh on the last night. Fortunately we werent in any of them but still a bit distressing when your sitting on the balcony, relishing your last night in such a place when theres a big KABOOM.

To the Egyptians credit the next morning we went for a walk to an internet cafe so we could let the folks back home know we were all fine when some policemen saw us. They instantly started apologising for what had happened and asking if we were all safe and did our parents know we were ok. Very nice folk.

Still. Cracking trip.

No apologies for length. You know you love it!
(Thu 7th Dec 2006, 17:04, More)

» Nightclubs

Nottingham Trent Union
I'll make this as quick and painless as possible. This story still makes me writhe with embarrassment and joy in equal measure.

It was while I was visiting a friend who went to Nottingham Trent University that we found ourselves in the union club there. He lived in Halls at the time which were very close to the union indeed and, naturally, we had a few drinks before heading out.

On arrival we had a few more drinks. In quick succession as I (barely) recall. On heading down to the dance floor I found myself with a friend in a massive queue for a bar selling only double vodka red bulls. This was unacceptable and I remarked upon this to a companion.

"J, this is crap mate. The queue's massive. Let's grab two, sink them, then hit the floor"

He concurred. And we did so.

If it hasn't been mentioned already I am a terrible lightweight so by this point I was getting out of my tree. I had never had a double vodka red bull before (and funnily enough have not drunk one since) let alone two in one foul sitting. After a couple of hours thrashing on the dance floor we made our way back to the flat.

I was in the sleepy stage of my drunkeness and was languishing on the kitchen table when it became clear that something was heading up the down pipe (no not my rear!). My friends looked on, aghast, as I stumbled to the window, hurled it open and unleashed a torrent of extra chunky rainbow gravy onto the open kitchen window below.

As if this wasn't bad enough it then rebounded and headed towards the street below straight onto the heads of some innocent bystanders one of whom was heard to remark (I shit you not)

"Oh no! Is it raining?"

I don't remember much from that night but that is ingrained upon my memory forever.
(Sat 11th Apr 2009, 15:09, More)

» Nightclubs

As seen in Oceana, Nottingham
This came to me via a friend if a friend of a friend of a friend etc. Don't worry, I wasn't actually in Oceana. Now how do I post piccytures?

EDIT: On second thoughts this may be deemed a little NSFW so I will merely pop the link in. Peruse at your will (it's not really bad at all).
If this is deemed not NSFW I will embed again.


(Fri 10th Apr 2009, 14:58, More)
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