b3ta.com user Lord Blumpy
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» Evil Pranks

Canadian Winter Fun
An old hall of residence trick we used to pass the time:
1) Pee on a baking sheet;
2) Leave it outside to freeze in the inclement winter climate;
3) Slide frozen pee off baking sheet and under a friend's locked door;
4) Enjoy the bemused look of friend on discovery of a pee-soaked carpet;
5) Enjoy a beating upon telling said friend the intricacies of the prank.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 17:00, More)

» Customers from Hell

Call centres, Canadian style
An associate of mine we shall call the Baron, used to work in a call centre in Canada. He was browsing through a newspaper when he saw a story on a guy in eastern rural Canada who had been convicted of buggering a sheep. The Baron, seeing that they had printed this guy's name and address, looks up the phone number for this mutton-lover, then dials it, with much of the rest of the call centre listening in. After a few rings, a guy answers, and the Baron shouts "DAAAAAAAAADDDY" in his best, sheeplike voice. Cue raging threats of voilence on the other end of the phone, and most of a cube farm simultaneously pissing themselves with laughter.........
(Thu 4th Sep 2008, 20:16, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Church Roof
We had not long moved in to a house in a nice little village, when the local vicar came knocking on the door. Our dad (who makes Richard Dawkins look like an arch deacon) answers, and there's the vicar rattling the collection tin for the church roof.....

Dad says 'the church roof eh? I'll just get my wallet'. He then pulls out a 50 pound note and puts it in the tin.

Vicar: 'What a wonderful donation, Mr. Blumpy! I trust we'll see you in church on Sunday?'

Dad: 'No you won't - I'm not religious'

Vicar: 'I must say, that's a generous gift for a non-churchgoer'

Dad: 'I like to keep the churches in good order - keeps you fuckers where I know where to find you!'

Dad reckons fifty quid was well worth it, not to be bothered by the church again.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 18:46, More)

» Helicopter Parents

Absentee Parents
A mate of mine in university was from Saudi Arabia, and had fairly wealthy parents. They were not too hot at understanding English, so he sent them his monthly account from Oddbins (a liquor store to you 'Merkins), and told them it was a book shop account. Free alcohol for us, courtesy of his non-drinking parents, who thought him SO dedicated for spending so much on books.....
(Thu 10th Sep 2009, 17:28, More)

» I'm going to Hell...

Field Trip to Mallorca
A long time ago, we were doing fieldwork in Mallorca and sharing a hotel with a bunch of German holidaymakers. The morning after a particularly raucous evening, a group of Germans went up to my Prof. and said 'Your students kept us awake all night'. He replied in a very posh accent 'So what??? You kept us awake for four years during the blitz....'. Definitely worth the trip to Hull.....
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 22:03, More)
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