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Never Piss off a Welshman...

Let's set the scene: one of London's numerous ill-lit stinkhole venues. A trio of abrasive Welsh techno-baiting pseudo-punks ripping through a selection of their rather delectable catalogue. However, some people are perhaps taking it all a little too far; such as the 45-year-old arsehole behind me who, besides wearing his sunglasses upside down on his head, was acting like a 14-year-old at a Linkin Park gig and pushing into a group of girls in front of him (followed by a few none-too-subtle gropes at my breasts, the cheeky scamp). Dancing is one thing, and this certainly wasn't it. After the pushing and shoving got too much and he wound up pushing the singer's microphone into his teeth, the singer - who we shall call Falco on account of that being his name - decided to step in. Thus:

Falco: Excuse me, could we keep the dancing sensible... eh? What did you say? Down the front, here? It's just that I'm not sure I like people getting punched in the back of the head, and I don't enjoy having a microphone pushed into my teeth. Nor do my cats.

Heckler: Get an office job if you don't like it.

Falco: Get a - what the fuck did you say? Don't you tell me to get a fucking office job you sniveling little shitbag. You wouldn't slide off my cock, you wretched fuck. You know what? Fuck you. Fuck. You. Don't you dare fucking tell me get an office job, you little cunt. I had an office job for three years, that's why I need glasses and I look like a loser, like you do.
I damn well work where I want to work, and if I want to work in Greggs the fuckin' Bakers, I will serve those cheesy batons, and I will do it with a damn sight more flare and grace than you ever would, even if I am allergic to them. And I'll get the fucking change right. So why don't you just shut the fuck up and let me do my job - which, for your fuckin' information, is what I was doing before you interrupted me by punching people in the back of the head - yes you did, I fucking watched you! - and slamming a microphone into my teeth, you filthy little prick. Shut the fuck up.
(Wed 10th Oct 2007, 10:08, More)