» Going Too Far

Jesus Christ.....
...I used to run a website for cyberspanners, which was very funny indeed, then I published a newsletter entitled 'Jesus Christ's Cock up the Virgin Mary's Arse'- which was really going a bit too far...
(Tue 14th Nov 2006, 14:48, More)

» Dad stories

The wrong dump
My dad was awesome, clever, but not really on the ball in many ways.

The phone rang once on a quiet Sunday afternoon. It was my dad, incredibly angry for some reason with my brother who was blameless in this situation, because he'd found himself locked into 'the wrong dump'.

For reasons which will never be known, instead of going to the usual dump round the corner, he'd tootled off into the urban wastes of Birmingham, nipped into an industrial area he presumably thought looked 'dumpy enough' and done a bit of unintentional fly tipping.

There was a skip apparently - why he thought a lone skip in a car park was a municipal dump in a major city God knows.

Anyway while he was doing his fly tipping the security guard had been doing his rounds, failed to notice my dad, and locked the gates for the day.

My poor brother ended up spending the day ringing around security contractors trying to find out who looked after the building, so they could release my incandescent and by now chain smoking father from his impromptu dumpy prison.
(Fri 26th Nov 2010, 11:30, More)

» Conspiracy theory nutters

Secret underground holding pens....
Apparently, on September 11, all the Jews in both towers took the day of sick but this was covered up.
Also, the aeroplanes were in fact cruise missiles which had been 'dressed up' to look like Boeing 737's.
This is presumably because it's much easier to disguise a cruise missile as an object many times larger than itself (and a different shape) than it is to wire up some actual planes with remote control and pack them full of explosives.
I mean, where would you put the explosives? In that compartment which is, er, specially designed to hold cargo? Or what?
It gets better though. The planes corresponding with the real flight numbers which the 'cruise missiles in disguise' substituted were diverted by military jets - with their payload of passengers - to a remote base in the central states.
Everyone on board was forced into an underground city, where they will live out the rest of their natural lives under armed guard, at the Government's expense.
Because if you're going to kill thousands and thousands of people by crashing cruise missiles into your own cities, the thought of killing 300 odd in a plane crash is just mad. Mad I tell you.
(Fri 28th Aug 2009, 13:07, More)

» Banks

Opening hours...
I used to be a financial journalist. I was writing a piece that criticised banks for their stupid hours when a spokesman for Lloyds TSB told me that their hours were just like any other retail business on the British high street.
Presumably then this is why the economy is fucked - consumer spending as at rock bottom because no fucker can get to the shops while they're open.
(Fri 17th Jul 2009, 12:09, More)

» Conspicuous Consumption

King of the castle...
Me and a bunch of colleagues once had dinner at Castello Sforzesco in the centre of Milan - which in case you're unaware is a big fuck off castle.

Before we were allowed in, we had to stand in the courtyard while a traditional Milanese marching band welcomed us with some kind of flag waving serenade, then once we were inside they'd hired actors who danced about playing the lute and such while we got hammered and ate a six course meal.

I ended up sitting on the steps of the 5 star hotel we'd had booked for us by our host - a German bank, later that night, with the entire contents of my mini bar.

On the whole I thought that entire evening was quite ostentatious.
(Fri 29th Jul 2011, 10:11, More)