b3ta.com user Pesky Young Scamp
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I made a video about a singing ticket barrier, that I posted on b3ta, 24 hours later it had 164k views, and seen in 177 countries. Holly off of This Morning said my name. And more importantly, it made the b3ta newsletter.

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Best answers to questions:

» Advice from Old People

Fatherly Advice On My Wedding Day
"Son, now you are married, you must learn this important lesson on dealing with a Wife.. if you are going out for a night on the ale, tell her you are coming home an hour or two later than you actually intend to.. that way, when you arrive home 'early' she'll be delighted that you've cut short your night out to be with her"

And I tell you what, it works every fucking time.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 23:17, More)

» Spoilt Brats

Pizza Hut
A fair few years ago whilst taking full advantage of the "eat as much as you can" in Pizza Hut with my then new girlfriend (Pizza Hut, I was trying to impress her!) a small child was drawing far too much attention to himself.. yelling, screaming, throwing food - his mother, let him get down from their table, and he then started doing a circuit round and round the restaurant screaming at the top of his voice.

On his fourth or fifth lap, whilst taking a bite of a slice of Ham & Pineapple, I thought I'd give the little bastard something to really scream about, so I stuck out my leg and decked the annoying little shit - he went flying.. he was quiet at first, either in shock or due to a large intake of air - I didn't look, I just kept eating - but he let everyone know, and stomped off back to his Mother, and eventually shut up.

My actions surprised the new girlfriend - she couldn't believe I'd do such a thing, but couldn't stop laughing. We're married now.
(Fri 10th Oct 2008, 13:56, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Sickness & The Quick Shits
Everyone's had it.. I was at my folks house for this tale.. I'd already got rid of what I thought was most of the contents of my stomach (yes, diced carrots were in there) and went back to bed.

Woke up, feeling like the second wave was imminent - and made it to the loo.. sat down and - oh christ, I'm going to be sick, so span round, onto the knees to chuck up when an awful feeling of something warm and sticky hit my ankle - spinning back round to try and contain it in the toilet, I promptly threw up, which arguably covered up the shit. Except for the walls.

Next time I get this sort of thing, I'm heading for the nearest kiddies playground, stripping off, getting on the roundabout, spinning it fast and making the most disgusting catherine wheel you've ever seen.

S'ppose it could be art.
(Thu 27th Mar 2008, 17:19, More)

» Being told off as an adult

I work at most of the big UK festivals. Lucky me huh.

I've found that my Dad voice comes out at these events, maybe its the power the walkie talkie gives a normal shy retiring b3tard like myself.

I've told off some very well known bands over the years for being dicks - using phrases such as "look if you can't sit on the chairs, sit on the floor" to one headliner who was smashing up the plastic chairs at Reading. It worked.

Oh and and to another who complained that we'd mis-spelt their name on their dressing room door "well if you don't want to play, don't, take your things and go home". That was the Von Bondies. Heard of them? The poor girl doing the dressing rooms had written "The Von Blondies" - they were the first on, on the final day. I'd had enough by then, and this band started kicking up an almighty fuss about this little "l" typo. Anyway, I won, the sign stayed and they played.

Hold on - its being told off as an adult, not telling off other adults. Oops. Coat? Ah, there it is....
(Fri 21st Sep 2007, 18:27, More)

» Expensive Mistakes

Not strictly my mistake but I'd like to share this
during my days at school, the computer studies teacher used to recount this hilarious tale about writing software.

Nasa launched one of their many very expensive washing machines - sorry - satellites, to bugger off to the deepest reaches of space to bother some distant moon with a camera for a few hours.

Anyway, the story goes that the satellite after years of research, money and hard work finally left the launch pad perfectly, and was set on its merry little way.. the team sat back and relaxed on turned on their ZX Spectrum's, BBC B's & Commodore 64, punched cards & paper tape* computers to "talk" to the satellite. Only it didn't work, it wouldn't talk to them. All that money and hard graft for nothing, and they spent many more years trying to get the little bastard to work as it hurtled further and further away..

Until one day, a software engineer spotted the problem. The original programmers had missed a semi colon off the end of a line of code.

A simple ';' that cost millions.

(Fri 26th Oct 2007, 11:43, More)
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