» Debt pron

For all you people out there in debt
Do what I did.

Set up an 0906 number that charges 5 quid for every minute. Buy a motorcycle helmet and wrap a cardboard box in brown paper. Walk into business's along Euston road (or anywhere else to be honest) saying that you have a package for Mr J. Sneddon. When the kindly receptionist tells you they don't have a Mr J. Sneddon, look perplexed, examine the box and then ask if it would be OK to ring base and see if you can get this sorted out.
Ring your 0906 number, get into a long and protracted arguement with your 'boss'. Apologise, rinse and repeat.

Debt, what fucking debt.
(Tue 28th Nov 2006, 2:27, More)

» Body Mods

Smiley face
Many moons ago I was sitting in the back of my mates car. There were four of us in the car chatting away and checking out fit birds. Being summer I was wearing shorts. I was sitting in the back staring at some hot young thing completely oblivious to what my mate in the front was doing. The next thing I feel a sharp, searing pain in my inner thigh. Turns out this bastard 'friend' of mine had decided to give me a smiley face. To those not in the know, this is where you heat up a lighter for a couple of minutes and then brand someone with it. This leaves a smiley face with the two bits of the flint marking the eyes and the rim creating the smile.
Hurt like a bastard. Now being one of those people that can't leave scabs alone I picked at it every day. 15 years later and I still have the scar of a smiley face on my inner thigh.

Years later I heard that the guy who did this to me actually commited suicide - so we're all even there then.
(Mon 4th Dec 2006, 4:46, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

I told you she was a slapper
Me and a couple of mates went to a party in South London and were making our way back to North London when we were pulled over by the filth.
They searched us and found a bit of weed on my mate so arrested him and took him back to the nick. Being the nice guys we are, my mate and I decided to wait for him to get processed and give him a lift home.
Whilst we waited we ventured into a 7-11 (this was a while ago) to get some food. After I paid for my stuff I turned around to see my mate standing in front of all the porn mags, flicking through a copy of Razzle. I made my way over to him and started browsing the top shelf mags as well. All of a sudden I stopped, transfixed by what I saw before me.
"Oi, Laurie, isn't that your bird on the cover of that jazz mag?"
"Well, yes, yes it is."
It took us about 5 minutes to stop laughing and pick ourselves up off the floor before we could club together our last remaining pennies to buy a copy.
The worst bit was that the mag was Nude Readers Wives and all the birds were rotten. One of them had a bruise the size of a football on her inner thigh.


On another occassion I was walking through Liverpool Street station at rush hour. I looked down and saw some passport photos. Being the nosy bastard that I am I bent down and picked them up. It was my mate Rich. I was able to give them back to him later that night.
(Tue 13th Feb 2007, 2:25, More)

» Beautiful but Bonkers

Fit mentalist
Travelling around Canada I found myself staying in a yoof hostel in Vancouver. Some geezer from Norwich asked me if I fancied a trip to Wreck Beach, apparently it's supposed to be a nudie beach where you can get all manner of drugs. Fuck yes!
Now, by this age I should have worked out that all nudist beaches that are open to the general public and located very near major metropolis's are always packed with fat, hairy men. Alas, I was still under the impression that I would soon be surrounded by hot young naked birds as I made my way down onto the beach only to be confroned by... a bunch of fat, naked hairy men all noncing each other up. It was only the hope of securing some drugs that saw me saunter past these beached whales with beards and take my seat on the sand with the others from the hostel.
After about 5 minutes we were approached by some guy offering drugs.
"What have you got?"
"What do you want?"
"Well, I haven't done any shrooms in a while, have you got any of them?"
"Certainly, sir"
So me and a few of the lads gobbled down some strange looking blue mushrooms and proceeded to get pretty messed up. Everything was cool as long as I kept focussing on the group but every time I let my attention wander I would be faced with the image of a fat man with a pulsating little purple head and it would freak me the fuck out.
It was just as we started realling peaking that a vision of loveliness made her way onto the beach. She had a blond bob, sparkling blue eyes and a completely shaved snatch. She wore nothing more than a tiny little white vest and was happily strolling around chatting with all the guys who all seemed to know her name.
As Crystal (for that was her name) approached, I was transfixed. She was fit.. and naked... and she was looking at me. It was all a bit much.
And then she started screaming..
"you're the cunt that got Tiffany pregnant, you dirty fucking cunt. I'll fucking kill you"
And with that she started throwing sand and rocks at me, trying to scratch and kick me and just going completely mental.
Bus Ticket to Nudie beach: $2
Strong Mushrooms: $15
Getting a kicking from a hot, naked mentalist whilst tripping your tits off on mushrroms: absolutely terrifying.

P.S. just in case you were wondering if it was me that got Tiffany preganant, I didn't. I fisted her so badly there's no chance of her ever having kids.
(Tue 21st Nov 2006, 4:29, More)

» Best Graffiti Ever

On a traffic sign in Hackney
'Make speed the only thing you kill' and someone had added 'for'
(Fri 4th May 2007, 7:58, More)