hello all


long time listener, first time caller
(Sun 26th Nov 2006, 9:34, More)

» School Days

Fun with combustible elements
It's year 8. I'm in a boys grammar school, and naturally enough, we are having a science lesson. This one is on the elements. Yawn.

Today though, is different. The teacher gathers us round to show us some raw elements. From a jar he produces a small piece of what looks like dirt.

"Now this class, is Phosphorus. It's fairly combustible, which means? Anyone?"

Everyone suddenly finds the floor or the ceiling very interesting indeed.

"It means it is volatile, and likely to catch fire when in contact with oxygen." Now we're listening. The arsonist in us all has started paying attention.

"To stop this, the element is usally kept in oil, but I've taken it out to show you."
"Ummm...Sir?"
"Yes, what is it?
"Why is it smoking?"

And with that, the little piece of phosporus catches fire. The teacher panics and drops it on the desk. The desk catches fire. The element bounces and hits the floor. The floor catches fire.

"I think you should all leave" The teacher says with a weary sigh
"Why sir?"
"The fumes are highly toxic, and this room is going to be full of them fairly soon"

We all run out, making the maximum amount of panic possible.

Best science lesson ever
(Fri 30th Jan 2009, 0:05, More)

» Customers from Hell

Working in Somerfields has to be a high circle of hell
Throughout my two years of work there I was always patronised for being younger. People take one look at you when you are 16 and assume you are the missing link in human evolution. One time I was quite happily doing my job (stacking shelves), and a posh, middle aged woman that the Cotswolds are littered with comes up to me.

"Excuse me," she says, speaking extremely slowly and loudly so mongoloids like me can understand; "Do you have any cru-tons?"

I pause. Not a very common request, even in the Cotswolds. "Um..."

The landrover driving harpy immediately picks up on this, and starts to speak louder, and even slower: "CRU-TONS? CRU-TONS? THEY ARE LITTLE BITS OF TOASTED BREAD YOU PUT IN SOUP? WHERE ARE THEY?"

I smile my most charming smile, whilst thinking "I would happily make you choke on them right now".

"Certainly madam." I say, in my best RP "You're stood in front of them."

She left very quickly. Wonder why
(Thu 4th Sep 2008, 18:30, More)

» I don't understand the attraction

Hello! We're the black-eyed peas
We make the kind of music a five year old would find insulting. Whats that? A new single? Can we in anyway tie it in to some form of commercial? We can? Brilliant

Right, lets get a meaningless statement..."Where is the love" or "I gotta feeling that tonights gonna be a good night". Great. Repeat it about fifty times over a dull beat that sounds like it could have come from garage band.

What's that? More time needed...shit. Throw in some words that barely rhyme. Fergie can do her "thing" for a bit, whatever it is she does.

Still more? Really? Oh...Words in other languages. That'll do nicely. Plaster the whole thing in excessive amounts of auto-tune, then eat it, excrete it out onto a cd and go sell sell sell!

Number 1? Great. This means so much, its really important for us...HAHA no, just pass over the sack full of money.

Same time later this summer, yeah?
(Thu 15th Oct 2009, 23:54, More)

» Common

Spitting in public
Good grief, can you not keep your saliva in your mouth instead of expelling it all over the floor? Why do some people feel the constant need to keep their mouth excessively dry. The only situations in which this is acceptable is if your mouth is bleeding profusely, or if you have some kind of hideous disease of the oral cavity, in which case, why haven't you been to the doctor yet?

And its ten times worse if you're spitting chewing gum onto the pavement.
(Thu 16th Oct 2008, 23:56, More)

» Dumb things you've done

The joys of vodka
Reading Festival 2006. Im there with some mates, having a laugh and getting trollied as is the tradition. Much fun is had, including telling random people that a band called "toothbrush" is playing the main stage before all the other acts.

It gets to the Saturday night, and we are all miraculously alive. I decide to test this theory to the limit by mixing vodka and coke in a 500ml water bottle, with half vodka. I drink four of these very quickly in about the space of an hour, whilst giving people free hugs. The last thing i remember is having the last bit of the last drink.

I wake up in the medical tent the next morning, in someone else's clothes and with an Iv drip in my arm. Apparently, I had ran away from my mates, started speaking to some randomers and collapsed, whereupon they had called an ambulance. And the someone else's clothes? that was the kindly ambulance crew, as I vomited all over mine.

Im one classy guy...

Edit: the hangover the next day was horrific. It involved shaking copiously in time to the music...
(Sun 30th Dec 2007, 13:46, More)