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» Cringe!

I once had the pleasure of working with the man with the worst wig in the world lets call him D to protect the innocent. This man had problems enough with his bottle bottom glasses odd odour and unusual attitudes towards women but to compound all these he wore a wig.
Now i have always thought that if i ever went bald i would shave my head and live with the problem. After all people don't look twice at a bald bloke but when you put a wig on your head, even a good one, you immediately open yourself up to stares and ridicule. This wig was no ordinary wig though.
This nylon monstrosity shared its owners peculiar pong and looked like a nylon squirrel had collapsed of exhaustion after making love to his head. Whats worse it was so ill fitting that you could see the nylon crossply on the bottom of the wig from under his forehead.

Anyhoo as the team troubleshooter it was my job to deal with any problems that arose during work. I was in the middle of sorting a problem out when our hero came over red faced and puffing and looking fit to burst. "Pieman!" he interupted "you need to sort this out NOW!"
my response?.....

Keep your hair on D.

I wanted to crawl away and die but his wig looked like it had beat me to it.
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 12:32, More)

» School Days

Not me but in RE
Our RE teacher an unassuming lady who was harmless enough let on that her first name was Daisy.

Cue the next time she took a class. She walked into the room to find everyone sat up smirking. Then the singing started

Daisy Daisy give us a tit to chew
I'm half crazy to have a fuck with you
I can't afford a johnny
A plastic bag will do
But you'd look sweet upon a seat
With me on top of you

She fled in tears and a school legend was born.
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 16:01, More)

» Food sabotage

When i was a young pie man i Worked on a building site the purpose of which was to build a new sewage works for a small town. This job was beset by the usual problems but the staff were reasonably competent for the most part and these problems were kept to a minimum.....

Competent that is except the 17 year old chain man. This man was a local and as thick as only a council estate wallah can be. He delighted in playing fucking stupid practical jokes.

Apart from his usual pastimes of standing still and dribbling we found that he was into body building in a big way. Often he would flex his muscles at us after a particularly spectacular session of grunting at weights.

The trouble started when we caught him doing chin ups off a beam in a shed when he was supposed to be working. A bunch of us burst in and found him beaming like a pissed up tramp at a job well done. He had beaten his previous chin up record on the shed roof beam.
This is where yours truly started an epic feud by betting the cretin that he couldn't stand in a steel bucket and pick himself up with the handles. Now I know it is cruel to take the piss out of the mentally challenged but the sight of this bulging veined retard straining like fuck to pick himself up while stood in a bucket and taking the accompanying disbelieving laughter as encouragement has etched itself permanently into the comic archives of my brain. After around 15 minutes and several gasps of "I don't understand it i can do loads of chin ups" the light finally dawned and he understood that he had been had and so commenced a campaign of terror upon his tormentor.

This included but is not exclusive to, hiding my stuff trying to make me late and trying to get me into the shit with the site manager. At one point he threw my £10 special work trainers onto the roof of the portacabin and was astonished when to get my revenge i nailed his £80 Nike air max to the portacabin ceiling.This was worth it for the bemused expression on his gurning mug as he wandered around trying to find the chavvy articles

This ill feeling built up for some time and work on the site progressed. The management had taken the decision to put stuff from the drying beds from the existing shit works between the new concrete structures. This was basically dried shit complete with used tampons/condoms and whatever else is flushed down the toilets that isn't liquid*.

On this fateful day we had gone into our cabin for break as usual. I got out the book i normally read and the can of diet coke that i had brought with me and proceeded to try and transport my mind out of the usual shit hole of work.

I had sort of semi succeeded in doing this when the chain man surprised us all by presenting us with a cup of coffee made with his own fair hands. As soon as i saw this alarm bells started ringing. This dickhead never made coffee if he could help it especially not for me. As a result i studiously ignored the steaming cup of liquid while my co workers all slurped appreciatively.

The chain man was getting more and more agitated and i will never forget the look on his idiotic face when the site manager came into the cabin, saw the unattended cup and drained it in one go (as he usually did cos he was a bit of an arse too). His self satisfied smirk soon turned to a gagging retching noise as he reached the bottom of the mug. It seems that chain man, seeing his revenge at hand had filled the bottom of my mug with crap off the drying beds and topped it up with coffee.

Although the site manager wasn't made ill he failed to appreciate the subtlety of the joke and the chain man was soon on his way to doles ville. I have never doctored food or drink since cos the consequences don't bear thinking about.

* you got a lovely crop of tomatoes about two weeks after laying it down

Length? About a dirty inch from the bottom of a mug?
(Sun 21st Sep 2008, 2:37, More)

» School Days

Probably my most memorable event at school happened during a swimming lesson. Our secondary school (now alas none existent)was lucky enough to have its own onsite swimming pool allowing for regular and much enjoyed swimming lessons. These were the days before my phenominal pie intake when i could still go to the pool without Greenpeace turning up to transport me back to the open oceans.

Now we had one lad in our class who shall be known as JN to protect the guilty. JN was, at that point, on the periphery of the cool kids without being completely accepted. He bought the usual sports wear and expensive trainers and claimed to be able to break dance in an attempt to fit in but never quite made it. His doom was to be sealed one swimming lesson after dinner.

We had been herded into the changing rooms ignoring the pervading smell of old unwashed football socks and teenage bodies and had begun to change into our speedos. JN had sat very quietly on the slatted bench seats through all the usual larking about. He hadn't even tried to curry favour and participate in Lyndons "prick of the week" contest. He had just got his trolleys off and was about to pull his trunks on when with a panicked look on his face his bowels released and a turd of mammoth proportions squeezed its way out of his colon, passed through the bench and landed on the cold tiles with an audible splat.

There was a brief look of amazement on everyones faces before gales of laughter erupted around the room with cries of "JNS shit himself!" Everyone stampeded out to escape the unholy smell and to alert the teacher.

The odd thing is that throughout it all JN just sat there with a forlorn broken look on his face making no attempt to get his shit splattered body into the toilet or to clean himself up in any way. The caretaker was called ( the look of absolute contempt and disgust on his face as he tried to clear up the mess was a picture on its own)and JN was excused swimming much to the relief of the rest of us who didn't fancy a floating Richard making an appearance in the deep end.

Now aside from no one wanting to go near him again in the changing room that should have been the end of it. However JN proved that lightning could strike in the same place twice. During a particularly long and dull science lesson the class clowns had tried to liven up things (setting light to gas taps anyone?) and this had put the teacher, King Rollo in an understandably sour mood. This wasn't helped when some of the cool people on JN's table had been using the excuse of going to the toilet to suck on some B&H. They had been taking it in turns and kids turning up back from the toilets stinking of fags was the last straw for our good teacher.

When JN (who didn't smoke) put his hand up he banned anyone else from going to the toilet. Again JN made no attempt to move from his seat. He just sat there, changing colour, looking more and more uncomfortable before the inevitable yellow stream running under the desk made his life unbearable again
(Thu 29th Jan 2009, 14:57, More)

» False Economies

Bought my daughter an inexpensive pair
of roller boots from Aldi. All the wheels fell off within a week
Damn cheap skates
(Wed 25th Jun 2014, 15:46, More)
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