» Beautiful but Bonkers

Gospel Truth
I'm relieved (and saddened) to discover that I'm not the only weapons-grade nutter magnet on the planet.

The most outstanding example being "L". Apologies for the lack of humour, maybe the jaw-dropping horror will make up for it:-

1) She stabbed me with a penknife, stubbed a fag out on my arm, and eventually tried to bite my nose off. I still have the scars.

2) The nose-biting incident resulted in her getting my blood in and all round her mouth. She immediately went round to my house and told my housemates that I'd punched her in the mouth, which they believed until they started to help clean her up. The truth became evident when I got back a few minutes later.

3) She told everybody that I was beating her up regularly. See No. 1) - the truth was exactly the opposite, but who do most blokes believe - the 6' rocker or the gorgeous tiny goth girl? I came about this close to getting a kicking from an ad-hoc posse of wannabe vigilantes.

4) She came off the pill without telling me, and got pregnant.

5) She punched herself repeatedly in the stomach in an attempt to kill the baby, but of course told the police that attended with the ambulance she called that I'd done it.

6) She threw a tin of baked beans at my subsequent girlfriend in the supermarket, and then launched herself at her. Security had to drag her out, hissing and spitting.

7) Finally she decided to get an abortion (after flipping between "I'll be a good mother" and "I'm going to dump it on your doorstep" for a couple of weeks), but decided to get a friend of hers to inject her with smack the night before. She was quite crestfallen when she discovered this doesn't stop the doctors going ahead with the procedure. I was amazed.

8) About this time I discovered she'd slept with two other blokes, also telling them that she was on the pill, so the baby might not even have been mine. Ho-hum, off for an HIV test then (negtive, luckily - especially considering the smack thing).

9) Told the hospital she was 15 (she was 18), so they sent her down to Paediatrics for her preganacy checkup - which of course gave her the opportunity to then accuse me of being a kiddie-fiddler. That only all got cleared up when the police asked her to supply her birth certificate - which she altered in biro. She only got a caution for trying to torpedo my life.

10) Oh yeah - cue another ad-hoc vigilante posse for the kiddie-fiddler accusation.

11) Finally she moved away and - get this - did almost exactly the same thing to the next bloke she met - she had the child eventually, but only after he had taken out an injunction against her to prevent her coming near his home.

It still makes me shiver now.
(Tue 21st Nov 2006, 10:28, More)

» Puns

Noddy Holder...
...goes to a charity shop to get fitted out with a costume for a 70's-themed disco.

The shop assistant has no problem sorting out flares, wing collars and the kind of suit jacket last seen on your R.E. Teacher, but is obviously wondering how to complete the ensemble.

In a flash of inspiration he asks "Would you like a kipper tie?".

Noddy replies "that'd be loovely. Two sugars please.".
(Fri 6th Mar 2009, 19:03, More)