» Personal Hygiene

Being sick out of a car II
A friend of mine was also sick out the car window as i was driving past a lorry, all was good and vomit was flying out the window, admittedly all down the car but thats what car washes are for.

Until i passed the lorry and the wind changed direction, blowing vomit back into the car. The girl in the back (who i was trying to pull) got covered, i got covered, the seats got covered. I was feckin fuming, swung the car over three lanes onto the hard shoulder, swung my door open, stormed round, swung his door open, and would have swung for him.

Except his face was covered in a mask of sick, with just 2 eyeholes visible, he had long jesus hair as well so that was a matted mess of carrot chunks. Well i just pissed myself, though not as much as when we got to Leeds and took him into the new flag ship Ted Baker store to get some new clothes for the night out.

You know how stuck up sales people can be in designer shops, well considering my mate shops at Millets (outdoor / camping store) anyway, and was covered in sick, they nearly chased us out the store til they realised there wash cash to be made.
(Wed 28th Mar 2007, 13:20, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Not me but.....
A friend of mine is prone to having "little episodes" when he's very pissed.

So one night we're all getting hammered and Colin decides no one likes him and storms out the pub in a huff (well he is the victim and we do take the piss out of him a lot).

We all chase after him but can't find him anywhere in the street, turns out he tells us later he's rolled under a parked car to hide and is laughing at our concern for our drunken friend, concern wears off and we go back to drinking.

Colin now in super huff cause we left him (?!?!?) and decides to walk the 2 miles home, well it'd be 4 if he went by road, but he decided to go as the crow flies and stumbled through gardens and all sorts til he finds a nice summer house, settles down and promptly falls asleep.

He's woken by the police flashing a torch in his face, ends up getting a lift the remaining short journey and only a mild bollocking for being "a drunken idiot".

Apologies for length, but as it strictly speaking isn't mine then you can't blame me anway.
(Fri 29th Dec 2006, 10:59, More)

» Well, that taught 'em

Hyperactive brother
My little brother is only little in the sense he's younger than me, ever since i can remember he's been bigger, well taller and wider of shoulder anyway, can't comment about anything else.....

Anyhow we must have been about 10 and 12, i was playing a computer game and he was making annoying noises to wind me up when i died. So as you do, i did the same to him when it was his turn. He gets mad, very mad.

I must point out that in those days there were lurid orange food colourings in pretty much everything, and especially orange flavoured drinks and sweets, something which as kids we consumed a lot of. These colourings also affected my brother in such a way that he would get violent and then pass out in a stupour when his rage had subsided, sort of like unsociable coke if you will.

So i see the tell tale signs of "colouring rage" coming on, namely his lips swelling and going purpler than normal.

I run, he rugby tackles me to the ground and proceeds to beat my head into the floor, i eventually escape and lock myself in the toilet like the true coward i am.

He then realises that his thumb is now hanging off, i'd actually headbutted (ahem) his hand to bits.

To this day he's got a nasty scar where they rebuilt his thumb, ironically my name begins with W and his with M, the exact shape of that scar.

And to this day he also gets terrible pains in his joint from the cold and wet, that'll teach him.
(Thu 26th Apr 2007, 19:03, More)

» Strict Parents

Gleeball reminded me....
.....when i got back from Uni one Xmas (200 miles from home) i pulled into the driveway and instead of the 2 or 3 cars i was expecting (mum, dad and bro) there were none, an inexplicable lack of lights or signs of life at all in the house.

This was in the days before mobile phones so i went to my mates house to find my parents had moved and "forgotten" to tell me.

They'd kept the same phone number and the local postman had continued to deliver mail that was addressed to them to the new house as was the way in a village where everybody knew each other, you could leave you doors unlocked unless there were pikeys living up one of the farm tracks, blah, blah.

When i eventually tracked them down to my grandparents house (they'd died the previous summer and we were trying to sell one of the two houses we now had), i found they'd moved house cause they preferred the other one despite the lack of enough bedrooms for 4 kids to have our own anymore.

Their solution? Force my two youger sisters to share a room and allow me one? No, they bought me a battered old caravan and stuck it in the garden, as i said it was Xmas and bloody freezing, though they did provide me with two duvets.

And then on Xmas day, after being "home" for two weeks, while everybody was opening more traditional presents i was presented with an electric radiator for the caravan.

And to this day i'm sure that was only because my response to being forced to sleep in the freezing cold was to go to the pub every night and drink until they chucked out and i was immune to the cold....

Though it all worked out ok in the end, they sold the bigger house which meant my inheritance was more substantial. I got my own back by not spending the money on my own house a few years later (as i was supposed to) and in fact sinking £12k into modifying my beloved Mark 2 Golf GTi so that it was so fast "it sends a shiver down my spine you drive that thing so fast" according to my mother.

"you should have felt the shivers i had when you made me live in the garden" was my response.
(Thu 15th Mar 2007, 6:39, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

Laxley.....
.....Did you ever think that perhaps the old guy wouldn't have fallen over if you're company hadn't forced the poor git to get up to answer the phone in the first place?

And this is on topic cause i doubt you'll thank me, and indeed possibly abuse me, for helping you see the light regarding their apparent ingratitude. ;-)
(Tue 29th May 2007, 18:49, More)