» I Quit!

Bring Out Your Dead
I bought 2 bags of frozen prawns and 1 box of Birds Eye Fish Fingers but not for my tea.

As worked on night shifts I installed 1 prawn in each computer cd tray so it would drop into the casing itself and installed 1 fish finger in every managers pc. Unfortunately they were too big for the RAM slots.

As there were about 200 pc's in an open plan office, no aircon and it was the height of British summer (Remember 2006?) it took no time at all for the foul, stenching smell of a Grimsby based fishery to waft through the office.

I estimated that is would start wiffing after I had left but a couple of days into my last week the smell was that bad that I considered reversing my action but stayed strong and remembered how badly they had treated me and my colleagues. As the site managers scratched their heads whilst wearing pegs on their noses the lovely, sweet, old tea lady came around with her trolley of sweets and cakes. She was a doddery, old thing and carried on with her rounds and stoically didn't mention the stench. To our suprise about 15 minutes into her rounds she started ringing a bell wailing "Bring Out Your Dead, Bring Out Your Dead" and the whole office erupted into giggles. On my last day the managers declared the office closed for two weeks for 'cleaning' thus giving my colleagues paid leave and albeit a collective laugh at work which was a first.

BTW After 3 weeks of removing the suspended ceiling, checking plumbing, carpets, looking for dead pigeons, testing for legionnaires et al the problem only came to light when fur started growing out of a managers cd tray....And yes I got away with it.
(Wed 28th May 2008, 9:09, More)

» Spoooky Coincidence

Spastic Trainers
I have a best mate and I've known him years. Our lives mirror each others in a eerie way and this such coincidence happened when we both found ourselves unemployed in the sprawling metropolis of Luton. During this time I thought I'd buy myself a new spanking, shiny pair of Nike trainers obviously to blend in with the other indeginous chavsters of Luton. I don't know about you but a new pair of trainers stick out like a sore thumb, they're whiter than white and generally I feel like a plum until I've muddied them up a bit.

I arranged to see the new Austin Powers film with above mate who I hadn't seen in awhile. Imagine my shock when he turned up in the same sparkly whiter than white trainers as me, we looked like the initial stages of a demonic form of Chuckle Brother. I only thought wearing the same stuff only happened to women....at weddings.

We were late for the film, so a series of hand brake turns and wheelspins found us in Luton Town Centre a couple of clicks from the Cineplex. Being unemployed the only objective of the day was not being late to see the start of Austin Powers. So my mate and I legged it through the precinct to the cinema and by no means are we small lads 6'2" and 6'5" repectively with size 12's. There we were sprinting as fast as we could holding up traffic, sliding accross bonnets and kicking wheelie bins out the way with the same ultra, glowing white trainers on. We looked like we'd broken out of a Chinese Nike sweat shop trying to complete the Krypton Factor assault course. If there was a camera crew available I think we would've made a good Nike commercial. Just think of that BBC advert a while back with those two blokes doing Parkour accross the roof tops. Only with lots of falling over and passers by getting kicked out the way with not one but two pairs of spookily coincidental purchased footwear.
(Mon 12th Feb 2007, 12:49, More)