» Best Graffiti Ever

My name is a googlewhack
As is my sister's name. Imagine my surprise upon visiting a waiting room in a London train station to find out who my sister was currently shagging, those she had previously shagged and what in general she was up to with her life. (Sucking cock mostly it seemed).
(Sat 5th May 2007, 11:32, More)

» When were you last really scared?

Driving european style
I was taught to drive by BSM in London, a week after I passed my test I moved to rural Wales - so all in all I can cope with just about any traffic situation. However I now live in continental Europe where all rules of the road are ignored and indicators an optional extra.

I was driving to work a year ago and was running late, in retrospect very lucky as this meant that rush hour had passed and so there were fewer cars on the road. I was coming off one motorway slip road to join another motorway, checked my mirrors and saw a lorry on the main motorway. BSM would have had me allow the lorry to pass and I would overtake him at a convenient time. No, I am a european driver now, so I overtook on the inside. It became apparent to me that he had not seen me and he was pulling over to the inside lane. He was driving one of these enormous lorrys and I was in a VW Polo. I knew I wasn't going to quite make it so I tooted my horn... too late, he clipped the drivers side sending me crashing into the crash barrier at the side of the road. My car then flipped around and I was pinned driver's side to the front of his cab where upon he pushed me along the motorway for a hundred yards - all I could think was "christ, not like this!" before I was flung off, spun across 3 lanes of traffic and crashed into the central reservation.

I put the engine into neutral, turned off the engine and got out of the car. The lorry driver (French naturally) came running across the motorway to apologise (see, I told you this was european driving, despite me being technically wrong, he took full responsibility).

He said I didn't scream much for a woman who's been hit by a lorry, I can only assume he did this on a regular basis.

The funny thing was I'd been really suicidal at the time but that really sharpened my focus as to wanting to live. My insurance paid for the car and let me keep it (I sold it on ebay) and I spunked the money on a horse (which then later attacked me).

I now have a very large & safe car which I crashed last month, but with a feeling of utter calm.

Don't skimp on safety kids, buy the biggest, heaviest fucking car you can afford!

Apologies for length, but when a polo is hit by a 16-wheeler they do tend to compact a little.
(Fri 23rd Feb 2007, 9:02, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Being a mental slut I've had lots of bad sex
But this is the one I've been pondering lately.

Following uni I shipped out to continental Europe to shag foreigners. Unfortunately I ended up hooking up with a bloke (bloke 1) I went to uni with (small world). I flew back to the UK one weekend for a reunion at uni and at midnight ended up in a hotel bar which bizarrely contained bloke 1 I was currently shagging in Europe. I decided to ignore him and instead my heart soared when I was introduced to a friend of his (bloke 2) I have no idea how I'd managed to miss in 4 years. We hit it off and spent 2 hours engrossed in each other. So how quite I ended up upstairs in a room with a visiting navvy (bloke 3) I'm not quite sure. Bloke 3 was unable to get it up in the end although he did manage to "manually stimulate" me to the point that I bled for 2 days afterwards - and no, I didn't come. So I went back downstairs.

Bloke 1 was less than impressed and wouldn't talk to me. Bloke 2 no longer wished to continue our conversation despite the fact I really liked him. Bloke 3 sat there with a shit-eating grin.

I woke up at 11am in the bed of Bloke 4 when actually I should've been halfway back to Heathrow.

I resumed shagging Bloke 1 and Bloke 2 declared he never wanted to meet that "slag" again.

Did I learn my lesson? did I fuck as like.

Length? I had 4 that night and didn't get served a single inch!
(Sun 17th Jun 2007, 9:23, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

I've been on and off on the sick for 3 years now
but my contract is watertight and there's fuck all they can do.

2 weeks ago I phoned in sick and flew across europe for a little sex tourism with my oft-travelling fella. Sweet. Except sitting in the departure lounge I look over to see a colleague waiting for the same flight home... luckily he wants to knob me and I was able to buy his silence with a promise of a date. He's a creepy weirdo but needs must et al.
(Sun 12th Aug 2007, 10:06, More)

» Debt pron

I'm teetering on the brink
I currently owe around 30k in unsecured debts. I have investment plans and assets of around the same and a house which has gone up in value considerably. Although we all know that that the "value" of the house is in fact zero until I sell it to cash in and someone actually signs the cheque.

I'm planning to go back to uni in 2/3 years time and quite frankly I don't give a fuck anymore. I just have to get through the next couple of years without getting kneecapped and then I'll sell up, cash in, pay off and move on.

On the upside I drive a BMW, have a couple of horses, ski holidays and more handbags & shoes than you could shake a stick at. Oh and I've had plastic surgery twice this year - essential expenditure in my case.

I am basically hopelessly shit with money but I am a certified mental and if anyone takes me to court I shall dribble at them and take my shrink for evidence.
(Tue 28th Nov 2006, 10:06, More)