» My most gullible moment

I briefly felt a pang of guilt
There was a young girl where I used to work who spent the day obviously upset about something, you know little tears and sniffles every now and then, kept running to the loo for ages. I asked what was up and she told me the courts had ordered that her pet dog had to be destroyed because it would not stop barking and the neighbours had complained. Apparently they had tried everything, muzzles, drugs, allsorts but the dog would not stop. Without taking a moment to think about it I told her to cheer up because I knew how to stop the dog barking, and explained that all she needed was a tub of margarine. She looked at me with hope in her eyes as I explained that if she examined her dogs sphincter when it was barking she would notice that it clenches with every bark. All she needed to do was smear the dogs ass with the marge and it would not be able to "get a grip" therefore would not be able to bark. I added weight to the theory by adding that it had to be margarine as the dog was likely to lick it's ass, so whatever she used had to be edible. She immediately left work, bought a tub of flora and scuttled off home. Next day, even more upset I asked again what was wrong and she told me that the margarine thing hadn't worked despite the fact that she had "even put some inside".
(Thu 21st Aug 2008, 19:20, More)

» Picky Eaters

My Younger Sister
Would never eat baked beans. When she started at primary school two or three years after me I told her that if she didn't eat the baked beans in her school dinners she would be expelled and Mummy and Daddy would be very cross. She sat in the playground crying. Now I have no idea why, but there was a reporter from the local paper in the school while she was blubbing who asked her what the matter was. She explained that she was to be expelled for not eating beans and consequently appeared on the front page of the local rag under the headline Beanz Meanz Tearz.

I seem to remember receiving a right bollocking for that one.
(Thu 1st Mar 2007, 16:06, More)

» Buses

Quotes from tourists on the London open-top buses.
These should all be asked in an American accent (obviously).

Excuse me sir. Which side of the river is tower bridge on?

Excuse me sir. The queen mom, she's older than the queen, right?

Excuse me sir. Why do the traffic signals make that noise?
It's so blind people know when the traffic has stopped.
Gee! In the states we don't even let blind people drive.

(While travelling through Blackfriars underpass) Excuse me sir. Is this where Lady Di had the accident?
(Thu 25th Jun 2009, 16:05, More)

» Conned

Don't ask me why I know these.
Take dice to the pub and when you want to do these pretend to borrow them from the barman. I have found that people are suspicious of people who take dice to the pub.

1) You and your selected drunk each put £20 in change on the table and agree to play until someone has lost their pile of change. Explain that you each put £1 in and all they have to do is predict if they are going to roll a higher number or a lower number than you. So, for example, they say 'higher', you roll the dice and score 5, then they roll the dice and score 7, they win the £2. Unles you really are an unlucky fucker you will eventually win all their money as you have the slight advanatage of all draws being paid to you.

2) This one is good for conferences, or anywhere people who don't know each other are forced to gather and pretend they like each other. Borrow three dice from the barman and get a piece of paper and a pen. Divide the piece of paper into six boxes and write the numbers one to six in each box. Explain to your drunk colleagues that you will run the game for them and you are not going to gamble so you cannot be accused of cheating. Tell them each to pick a box and put a pound coin in it. Ask one of them to roll the three dice and explain that each time a number comes up it wins a pound which will be paid from the losing bets on the table. For example 1,2 and 3 are rolled, 4,5 and 6 lose and pay 1,2 and 3. Remember that you are running the game and paying the winning bets from the losing bets. This means when someone rolls three numbers the same, for example 1,1,1, you pay the 1 box in the following way - £1 from 2, £1 from 3 and £1 from 4. This of course leaves £1 in each of the 5 and 6 boxes. This £2 should very quickly find it's way into your pocket. This is a particularly good one as everyone who loses doesn't care where their lost pound actually goes and everyone who wins doesn't care where their won pound comes from. Keep playing until they are all skint and you have a pocket full of change.
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 12:41, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

DIY Store Show House Bedroom
My first job, when I was 15, was as a Saturday dogs body at Texas homecare DIY store. I fell madly in love with Sue who worked in wallcoverings at the weekends. Fortunately she fell madly in love with me but being as my parents were the 'none of that sort of thing under our roof' types and her father would have worried Guy the gorilla in a fight we had nowhere to consumate our love.

So one Saturday evening after work we managed to get ourselves locked in the store and spent ten minutes bumping uglies in a huge bed in the show house before I fell asleep (how's that for staying power?)

I'm sorry to report that I had most fun peeing in the (not plumbed in) display toilets. If we had left the show house the alarms would have gone off.
(Sun 31st Dec 2006, 12:52, More)