» Public Transport Trauma

Bunnies on a train
Several years ago my company was having an economy drive (except for the CEO of course) and I had to travel from Edinburgh to Bracknell......on the train.....on a Sunday. Joy!

I got on the train in Edinburgh, found my seat, and checked out the ticket on the seat next to me to find out how long I'd have before someone, who probably grunts and smells, sits next to me.

Eventually we pull into the station where this passenger is getting on. It's like being on a plane during boarding with an empty seat next to you. I'm weighing up who I wouldn't mind sat next to me and who I definitely don't want sat next to me......Or even better, hoping they've missed the train.....please god, pleeeease.

Well down the corridor approaches little old country-cottage bag-lady carrying a cage. Nooooooo. Please not her. Anyone but her. But it is. She pops the cage on the table, sits next to me and admires an advert for those one big slippers grannies have in her People's Friend.

The cage has got two rabbits in it and it stinks to fuck. The train is on its merry way and the cage starts rattling and moving along the table. At first I reckon it's just the movement of the train causing this, but instead the rabbits are shagging away, big time. Yay! I'm desperately trying to keep a straight face, like the guards from the "Biggus Dickus" sketch in "Life of Brian". But I make the fatal mistake of looking up from my magazine and catch the eye of the lass sat opposite, also trying not to laugh. It's game over. The pair of us crack up in hysterics.

All the while, bag-lady is tapping on the cage telling them to stop it. No chance. She then offers them some lettuce leaf. Coz let's face it, in the middle of a good hard shag there's nowt more tempting than a bit of lettuce.

Length? Too furry to tell.
(Fri 30th May 2008, 13:18, More)

» Irrational Hatred

When someone opens a packet of crisps upside-down
Bugs the absolute shit out of me.
(Wed 6th Apr 2011, 15:38, More)

» Cringe!

Screwed
All 300-odd of us at work got called to an all-hands meeting. We piled into the canteen where the big-cheese announced we were all being laid-off. Then out from the silence blasts the saccharinely cheesy and camp Alex G remix of Screwed by Paris Hilton from *my* mobile phone.

And to ensure maximum embarrassment, my brain refused to tell me how to unlock the keypad. People sat near me got sunburn from my blushes.
(Fri 28th Nov 2008, 13:51, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Who loves bobby?
(For those who don't know, "boaby" or "bobby" is Scottish slang for "cock".)

The other week me and my boyfriend took our dog to the park. The park is popular with other dog walkers, so the dogs play and all us owners just chat to each other.

There was a chat about some of the dogs that hadn't been to the park recently, including one called "Bobby". One fellow dog walker - a lovely woman in her 40's - not posh, but then definitely not Jeremy Kyle fodder was there and loud as you like announced, "Oh I LOVE Bobby".

Bf immediately gave me the "stop it" eyes.
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 14:49, More)