b3ta.com user Akuru
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I'm a fat DJ whith a serious scrumpy habit.

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» Shame

Oooh I wish I hadn't thought of this.
When I was 15-16 my friends dad used to organise dinner/classical music concerts.

His son and I were charged with videoing the concert but decided that classical music sounds much better when stoned out of your mind so we decided to indulge.

All the audio from the concert was going straight into the audio input of the camera, but in my state I had left the camera mic on as well.

Cue to the next morning sat round his folks house, when in the middle of a quiet interlude in a piano piece there comes on the tape, my unmistakable voice saying.

"Christ, Paul I really want to fuck your sister hard"

I ran, I ran as fast as my legs would carry me

Girth, lenght etc.
(Tue 29th Nov 2005, 0:19, More)

» My Worst Vomit

Ahh I can remember it just....
A friend of mine's Mum had recently divorced her husband and my mate Emily wasn't too happy about her Mum's new boyfriend.

So much so that one evening she invited me around to her house to quaff a few ales and to remonstrate about what a cock this bloke was. After a very expensive bottle of red wine each (liberated from his cellar!) followed by tequila, vodka, absinth, lager and herbs she decided that she was going to scrach his very, very expensive new Converible Mercedes that was parked out in the garage.

A sturdy implement was found to do the deed and as she was preparing to make the first incision I let fly with the most foul emmission of projectile vomit you have ever seen...... stinking of tequila and the colour of plums it managed to land right in the driver's (white calf-kin leather) seat and covererd most of the inside of the car...!

£2850.00 to clean the car and she never let on it was me :)

What a trooper!
(Fri 20th Aug 2004, 19:51, More)

» Strange things you've been paid to do

I once got paid £1500
to do nothing.

As a fill-in between jobs I've been working for my brother installing lighting for country estates and events - Turned up on Monday only to be told be the Lady of the manor that she didn't like the look of us and we were told to clear orf pronto (or I expect the next sentence would include the words "Set-on-dogs-you")!....The cheque arrived on Wednesday and I've been drinking it ever since.


*edit* I also had a job cleaning out operating theatres after use but just thinking about it makes me want to retch.
(Fri 1st Oct 2004, 20:45, More)