b3ta.com user TommyShanks
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» Expensive Mistakes

No horseplay in the Airplane Hangar
A friend worked at a local airport. Forklift drivers were competing to see who could make it round the hangar fastest. One, driving with the forks yea-high, took a bad turn and scraped the radar nose cone off a passenger jet, to a cost of $3-million.
He was charged with negligence, but got off light by suffering a non-fatal heart attack prior to trial.
(Thu 25th Oct 2007, 13:28, More)

» Vomit Pt2

Nacho Volcano
This was communicated through a co-worker, who, having worked his way through a case of beer, smoked a vast amount of lethal-injection grade weed and was overwhelmed with the munchies.

He grabbed a jumbo bag of Nacho chips and ate the whole thing. As his body metabolized the weed and other poisons, the body's natural reflex to expel poison kicked in, and he staggered outside to puke.

The problem was that the jumbo bag of chips had soaked up most of the liquid in his stomach. He was like a human icing bag: instead of expelling chunky soup, his heaves slowly forced out a stiff beery nacho chip paste that continually activated his gag reflex as it emerged, poo-like, from his mouth.

Eventually his body gave up and he collapsed back inside to pray for death.

Daylight revealed that the whole thing was not just a nightmare: his vomit was not the usual jelly-fish splatter, but a surprisingly neat volcano-shaped cone in a pile on the deck.
(Fri 8th Jan 2010, 14:48, More)

» Pathological Liars

Karl. He could break a donkey's rib with his punch.
Name: Karl

Age: 19

Identities: Navy Seal, CIA radio operator and Seattle Police Officer, and was willing to show everyone his Navy Seal, CIA and Police ID to prove it.

Boasts: As a cop, he had once kicked a man to death. But his partner just told him to "Walk away man. Just walk away."

So strong that his punch could "Break a donkey's rib from three inches away."

He produced no donkeys to prove it.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 20:37, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Comic Book Guy FTW
A friend of mine figured he would rake in cash by selling a stack of old comics a foot high.

He took them not the comic shop, where the owner offered him $20 for the lot.

That's it? My friend huffed and puffed, and snatched his comic books back. He was at the door when he thought of another angle.

"I've got a bunch of old Playboys and Penthouses in my basement," he said hopefully.

"I'm sure you do." said comic guy.

He slunk away.
(Sun 27th Nov 2011, 4:24, More)

» Secret Santa

Not-so-secret Dysfunctional Family Christmas
A friend of mine had a schizophrenic brother who spent rather a lot of time sitting around the house eating Cheerios whilst medicated. This raised the ire of his aunt, a former alcoholic.
The family, a large one, rationed presents by havinga gift-recipient lottery. The aunt and nephew drew each other. She, ever the wit, bought him two boxes of Cheerios - regular and honey nut.
Her smug pleasure at mocking his mental disability was short lived. With a giant grin, he handed her her own present - its shape and weight were a giveway. A bottle of wine.
(Wed 20th Dec 2006, 20:24, More)
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