» I'm going to Hell...

So we know what to expect when we get there. . .
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law
States that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.
(Fri 12th Dec 2008, 8:43, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

Stephen Fry has a funny voice...
Was chatting to my colleague and I mentioned I was listening to Stephen Fry's audiobook in the car on the way in to work.

She said,"But does he read it?"

"Yes"

"Oh God I couldn't stand that". She then made a strange series of bleeping noises. "I hate his voice. If I was married to him, I'd have to switch it off for a while every day to get some peace." Switch off someone's VOICE? Married to him?

I ignored the voice comment. "You know he's gay don't you?"

Then I twigged. "Do you mean Stephen HAWKING?"

Apparently she did.
(Wed 9th Mar 2011, 15:47, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Erm.. lunch hour
My mother called me yesterday to have a chat and I mentioned I was on my lunch hour.

"How long is your lunch hour?" She asked.

Dear God... let me take after my father...
(Fri 6th Jul 2007, 15:35, More)

» The Weird Kid In Class

Green Phlegm
I remember one kid at school who always grossed me out. He came from quite a religious family but must have been one of those who DIDN’T feel that “cleanliness was next to godliness”.

First of all he had a terrible personal hygiene problem – the smell had gone past the “kid with BO” stage and the “kid needs to be disinfected stage” and got to the stage where no-one would sit next to him for fear it might attach itself to their clothes.

He was also quite happy to sit in class and mine for green gold, either wiping it under the table or eating it – quite oblivious to the disgusted look of the person who was sitting next to him. (Sitting next to him was quite an effective punishment from the teacher).

The thing that really grossed me out about this boy though was when he came into school with a nasty cold, green snot, coughing and choking, the works. However, the gross bit (still makes me gag now) was when he coughed and a gigantic bit of phlegm flew out of his mouth into his hand. He inspected it for a while, showed it to his neighbour and then sucked it off his hand and swallowed it.
(Mon 22nd Jan 2007, 15:22, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Just Like Fanny's
Driving from Oxford to Burford there’s a warehouse on the right side of the dual carriageway. About 5 years ago this warehouse had a poster on it which proudly proclaimed “Our muffins are soft and moist just like Fanny’s”.

100% truth. 80 mile trip from Northampton to Fairford – the sign made it all worthwhile!

(I assume they meant Fanny Craddock. I hope so anyway - chokes on muffin)
(Fri 13th Jun 2008, 10:51, More)