» Karma

The joys of childhood - sorry about length
So I had this particularly horrible teacher when I was about 8, one of those ones who was around for corporal punishment and was none-too-happy about the change. So she always had the attitude that the little buggers in her class were all conspiring to fake sickness to get off doing adding and subtracting so each time a child would present with a complaint the following would occur:

10am
Pupil: Miss, I don't feel well.
Teacher: Well, we'll just wait til morning break and see how you are.
Morning break
Pupil: Miss, I really don't feel well.
Teacher: We'll just leave it til lunch and see how you are.
Lunch
Pupil: Sorry miss, but I think I'm sick
Teacher: Ah well, it's nearly hometime now anyway, sure you're fine.

And we would spend the afternoon feeling like general crap while she gave out to us for being distracted from the five times tables by our pain.
So one day I'm feeling like absolute crap, stomach is doing ninety on Space Mountain with some kind of extra dimension thrown in. So we did the usual deal until just before lunch, when the following happened:

Me: Miss, I'm really bad, my tummy feels sick.
Teacher: Well, like I said we'll wait til lunch now sit down.
Me: But miss, I think I need to go home.
Teacher (beginning to shout right in my tiny green-tinged face): I told you to sit down! Now do as I say or you'll stand in the corner!

Now I was a timid little child and didn't usually answer back but as I was feeling so awful that I said I'd take one last crack at it.
Me: But miss-
Teacher: That's it, you go to the corner!!!
Me: Projectile vomit noises

Yes, that's right, I spewed up my breakfast (semi-digested cornflakes and toast) and my morning snack (ham sandwich and apple juice) all over her desk, the blackboard, a few of the desks up the front of the class room and most importantly on her hideous, self-righteous, wart ridden face.

My class mates and I got to sit at the back of the classroom and watch her clean it all up.
The beauty of it was that I got sick because I'd eaten too much for breakfast so that meant that not only was there a lot more vomit than there would have been but also I felt grand after I'd thrown up and so was able to fully enjoy my accomplishment.

Length: About eight rolls of toilet paper and a full bottle of Jif.
(Sun 24th Feb 2008, 1:07, More)

» Dumb things you've done

It took her three films to understand the concept
Saw spiderman 3 in a fairly empty cinema. Funniest bit of the whole terrible film was:

Emo-spidey is on the roof of a tunnel and sort of appears suddenly. Cue my friend Claire jumping in shock and spilling her coke everywhere, then in a frightened and very audible voice saying

"Oh god, he was like some sort of giant spider!!!"

Smooth Claire, real smooth.
(Sun 23rd Dec 2007, 15:47, More)

» Evil Pranks

More of a backfire than anything else
So there was that girl in school who was terribly annoying but desperate to be liked and to be thought of as cool. Naturally being cruel teenagers we took advantage of this.

There was a rather large cupboard in our home classroom and we persuaded her to jump out of it at the most notorious bastard of a latin teacher that you've ever met, in the hopes that the bollocking he gave her would amuse us.

He arrived into the classroom promptly and sat at his desk glaring around at the sheepishly amused faces. Upon hearing our foolish victim's poorly stifled giggles coming from the cupboard he strode over to it...as we awaited the inevitable shout fest he picked up a hockey stick...now we thought this would be good...and slid it through the handles of the cupboard door locking her in.

He then relocated the class to another room.
We arrived back into the classroom an hour and a half later (double class) to the sound of quiet sobbing.

I haven't quite forgiven myself for that one yet but it does make me laugh.
(Tue 18th Dec 2007, 22:53, More)

» Advice from Old People

I work with old people
I was on placement in a hospital as a student that for some reason got most of the old people in the country. I'd say about 1 in 3 did not have dimentia. I had this total twat of a supervisor who was always trying to be cool, flirting with the students and getting cranky when we didn't laugh and he had one of those tiny little beards on his lower lip, like a hitler tash but on the bottom lip and a ridiculously hairy chest. In short, a totally arrogant gobshite.

One day I was treating one of the particularly comical old women with him supervising when she sort of leaned forward and pointed vaguely at his chin and said
"What the hell's that? What are you growing that for?" to which he replies, trying to be cool, "Well, I have to, I'm losing it everywhere else. He he he."
Then the old lady pulls down his collar and says "You're not losing it there anyway!"
Even better, moments later, she points vaguely at his crotch and says "Well I hope you haven't lost it down there like I have or this young lady definitely won't have you!"

Needless to say I practically pissed myself.
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 22:13, More)

» My most gullible moment

Anniversary
For years my sisters and I knew my eldest sister was born out of wedlock while our parents happily thought we were innocent virginal little catholic girls who would never have sex before marriage, according to their example. We thought they did this by lying about their anniversary.

When they finally found out we knew, it was we who were in for the shock. They had actually been married as long as they said. My sister was actually a year older. She was 17, or so she thought, when all was revealed.

Needless to say it was fucking hilarious, how she never found out we do not know.
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 23:31, More)