b3ta.com user Mister-Chris
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» When were you last really scared?

Chessington World of Adventures...
Sounded like a fun place to go during the summer of '05 with then girlfriend and her mates. NOT however, if like me, you've actually got a phobia of theme park rides. Wanting to face my fears and partake in the 'fun', I hid my initial concern so my g/f was none the wiser.
Paying at the front and walking hand in hand with her through the entrance to the park, I notice the 1st ride. I believe it's called the dragon's fury or something like that. Basically a rollercoaster that's a tea cup ride on steroids.

"Why has your hand gone all clammy?"
"Ummm.. dunno, do you want to go on that one?"
"Hell yeah!!"

And go on it we did. Four fucking times in a row. Once I even began the ride with my back to the initial climb. The fact I was screaming like a bitch was muffled by the other ladies equally screaming with gusto. After this I thought bring it on! Can't be anything worse than this. Went on a few more rides then we had some of the Colonel's secret blend of chicken herbs and spices.

Then someone suggested a ride which saw me launch a tirade of verbal abuse at anyone to stop the ride because quite frankly, a good time was not being had by I. The ride in question? Why, the bloody pirate ship!! Yes, the one that swings from left to right getting higher each time. Shocked looks from the group turned to full blown laughter. I felt somewhat vindicated that two of them felt sick after the ride was over.

My g/f christened me 'clam'.

The journey back home was in silence.
(Sun 25th Feb 2007, 3:03, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Dropping the kids off at the pool
When I used to live with my bro, we held a, "Be unkind to your arse" week.
This entailed eating as much spicy food as humanly possible.
*Chili Con carne so packed with fresh chili seeds we were crying whilst eating it.
*Drinking Nando's extra hot peri-peri sauce from the bottle.
*Spiking each others mundane meals such as meat casserole with habanero sauce.
There was no clear winner, except Andrex.
My bro announced that his arse had fallen out.
Quite impressively, he ignored a fart one morning and shit his pants.
Receiving the MMS message was a little disturbing to be fair.
My only saviour was baby wet wipes.
NEVER again. Oh...alright then.
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 1:08, More)

» Where is the strangest place you have slept?

Random Sleeping
On an escalator going upwards from the underground.. One second, everything was cool, had my shit together holding the rail. The next, I was clutching thin air falling backwards. Scared the shit out of me, probably the commuters behind me as well to be fair though.
(Thu 4th Jan 2007, 1:20, More)

» Terrible food

Bacon fried bread double decker sandwich
Oooooh yes. Or as I like to call it, "the heart attack special".
The recipe for this little beauty came from a taxi driver friend of my dad's.
The guy's just shy of 30 stone, and looks like he could detach his lower jaw
and swallow you whole.

The recipe for this entails:

2 slices of buttered bread
2 slices of fried bread
8 rashers of bacon
2 fried eggs
Your own sauces of choice

Basically, I came in pissed as a fart one night and thought, "I'll 'ave some of that!"
The bacon goes between the fried bread with brown sauce, then add an egg
and a slice of bread with ketchup and hotdog mustard to bottom and top and.....
I just felt wrong for a few days after. Never eaten it since. The guy I mentioned?

He can eat two in one sitting, and does so on a regular basis.
(Fri 18th May 2007, 18:40, More)

» Ripped Off

Pants at half mast and a dry run-up!
Back in 2005, I'd got a new job uptown. Deciding that my trusty 1st car, an E-reg Citroen AX, would most likely die at the prospect, a new(ish) car was in order. I had no idea what car I even wanted, just that it would be a good idea for it to be a diesel if I was going to be commuting in it.
My brother spotted a car that he thought was, "a bit of me". Four grand (borrowed from the bank of mum and dad) later and a P reg Audi A4 was mine.

Driving through Bermondsey, the drive belt snapped, lost power steering, engine temp soared and generally soiled my pants. Once towed home, I made the crucial mistake of not using my regular garage. I thought that as my drive belt had gone, it'd be a good idea to change the cam belt as well. Then the phone calls started.

Nearly a grand later i'm still waiting for my arse to heal over after all this time.

Moral of the story?
DON'T buy a car that a salesman says is, "a good little runner".
OR go to a garage that charges you for a new tyre which turns out to be your spare swapped over.

Still got the car though. Guess my brother was right.
(Mon 19th Feb 2007, 14:53, More)
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