» Public Transport Trauma

Old People
After a pretty big bit of root canal work at the dentist, I shuffled onto the bus to get home, to wait in misery for the ache and numbness in my jaws to go away. Of course, grunting and gurning your fare to the driver is a chore at the best of the times, so i tried my best, drooling and spluttering the words out.

I go down and sit down behind a pair of old ladies. One promptly turns, looks at me, looks at her friend beside her, and says, "They shouldn't let them out by themselves, should they."

Mouldy old bitch.
(Fri 30th May 2008, 18:02, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

TMI
A few years back, I worked in a popular chain of stores that sells computer games.

My regular manager was out, so I had to call in during a particular bad bout of the runs. I spoke to a 'stand in' and explained that I was not coming in, because I had stomach difficulties. I was told this wasn't a good enough reason, and I would need to provide more details. I took a deep breath, and said, in a ranty, half-crying voice something similar to:

"I'm pissing out of my arsehole, okay? Okay? Literally pissing liquid fire out of my ring piece and it really, really stings. I've used up two toilet rolls, and soiled a flannel that I had soaked in cold water to soothe my arse. I can't drink anything, I can't eat food without wanting to to take a crap, and I'm just bloody lucky that I haven't shit myself. Do you want me to come in and shit all over the customers as well?"

It went very quiet, and I heard a strange noise on the phone. "He doesn't sound well at all, does he?" said an unfamiliar voice.

Yes, the idiot had put me on speakerphone when he was serving a customer... I've never let 'em forget that, and the rest of the time I was working there, whenever I called in ill (genuinely, I hasten to add!) they didn't ask what with!
(Sun 30th Mar 2008, 16:20, More)

» Puns

Old Advert Pun
--Often used by my family, I wished this pun\joke would die. Now I inflict it here. Hah, karma.--

Once upon a time there was a chef named Chervase, who worked in a restaurant. They mainly served fish, especially squid.

Of all the squids there, one stood out from the rest. He was green, vile and had a hairy lip.

Of course anyone seeing this squid would not want him, and would choose another, more appetizing fish. So, over the years, Chervase grew to like the squid, despite being vile and green and having a hairy lip.

He would come in every morning and feed it and clean out its tank every evening. During the summer, a student was taken on to wash up, and his name was Hans. He was a good worker, and helped Chervase around the kitchen. He also grew to like the squid, and fed it daily when Chervase was too busy. One day a gentleman arrived in, claiming to have tasted every squid known to man. When he saw the vile green hairy-lip squid, he had to have it.

So, Chervase pulled the squid out by the tentacles and threw him up on the chopping block. He grabbed his cleaver and in one movement he raised it up and couldn't kill his old friend, the hairy-lipped, vile green squid. He broke down crying and ordered Hans to kill the squid, but Hans couldn't do it either.

Just goes to show you that ...

Hans who does dishes is as soft as Chervase, with Vile Green Hairy Lip Squid.
(Thu 5th Mar 2009, 21:54, More)

» Personal Ads

Enjoys Watersports
To save anyone from the awful experience I encountered: when responding to personal ads, watersports does not, unfortunately, mean that the person in question is interested in swimming, water-skiing, or even water polo.

I'm still carrying the scars from that night.
(Sun 16th Sep 2007, 19:01, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Fast Food
Subway gets much hilarity for making people ask for a 'foot long vegetarian sub, please'. Ask it of the nervous male student ones, see if they crumble.
(Sat 14th Jun 2008, 7:14, More)