» I witnessed a crime

And somebody else's
Not mine but a friend's. Said friend was a hardcore Trekker. And one year he found himself at a convention in full uniform.
Since there had been reports of things going missing the con had asked volunteers to patrol the halls. Naturally this was done in full uniform, replica phaser on hip.
So, on the last night, my friend and his partner came round a corner to behold a proto-chav fiddling with the lock on a hotel room.
He saw them, panicked and legged it.

And that was when the other Trekker whipped out his phaser and shouted "Stop or I fire"

Yes, he stopped.
Yes, he put his hands up.
Yes, the guys down at the nick probably spent the rest of the night laughing at him.
(Thu 14th Feb 2008, 16:51, More)

» Nightclubs

Nightclubs can fuck right off.
Anywhere that won't let me in wearing my jeans, or expects me to pay for the privilege of drinking overpriced, watered beer while surrounded by pissed-up townies and being aurally raped by music I wouldn't use to torture my worst enemy can just grease themselves up and crawl headfirst up an elephant's turdtunnel.
(Wed 8th Apr 2009, 16:45, More)

» Food sabotage

Does it count if you sabotage your own food?
I'm a really bad cook with a habit of wondering things like "What happens if you put reheated baked beans into scrambled eggs?"
(Result: Pink shit on toast and farting like a Bison for the next two days)
Then there's the time I tried tenderising a steak by putting it into a carrier bag and whacking it against the side of the house.
(The bag split on the backswing and my tea sailed off into the undergrowth.)

I may have pissed on somebody's leeks once. I'm a bit hazy on that one.
(Fri 19th Sep 2008, 23:39, More)

» Driven to Madness

You're at the cinema. Shut the fuck up.
When exactly did it become acceptable for people to talk during the film? I don't mean leaning over to whisper to your mate who's struggling to follow the plot, I mean having a full blown conversation, possibly while texting.
I should have the legal right to beat people like this to death.
(Fri 5th Oct 2012, 19:13, More)

» Bad Management

How to disillusion your staff in easy stages.
1. Arrive in the post and promptly promise all the resources and manpower that's been hitherto lacking.
2. Wait until nobody's looking then siphon off some of the teams tasks and hand them to another unit entirely. Preferably contractors.
3. Continue to promise this, that and jam covered tits.
4. Announce that there will be a certain amount of restructuring.
5. Pass some more work over to the contractors. Except they promptly pass as much of it back to the in-house people as they can.
6. When one of your staff points out that somebody else is getting paid for work she's doing, take a moment or two to thoroughly patronise her and make her feel utterly valueless.
7. Lob some more work over to the contractors. Oh look at that, now a lot of the in-house people are twiddling their thumbs.
8.Call a meeting and cheerfully announce that out of everybody in that room right now, 70% of them will be in the Redeployment Pool inside two years. Wonder why your staff are now disgruntled.
9. Call another meeting to address any concerns. In the hour allotted, spend 40 minutes of it promising this, that and jam covered tits. Answer precisely two questions and manage to avoid giving any relevant info to either.
10. announce that the previous cuts were overexaggerated and in fact the team has a bright future. Ten minutes later, the contractors arrive for the meeting where you give them even more of the team's work.
11. Invite yourself along to the farewell parties of staff leaving, bringing friends from Main Office who hammer the buffet and the free booze and scuttle off just before the wine runs out.
12. Fail to notice that the contractors you're employing have just hired new staff who look strangely familiar and who are now getting more money for doing less than they were doing before.
13. Fail to notice that your remaing staff are now making "Sucking invisible dong" gestures at you when your back is turned.
14. Dump the rest of the team onto the Redeployment Pool. Since paying out Redundancy is officially frowned upon, you now have an office full of people who are getting paid to do nothing. And who wouldn't do anything anyway since their previous hard work and enthusiasm was rewarded with you hitting them with the "Fuck you" stick.
15. Suck up the plaudits from higher echelons and go off to play golf with live kittens.
(Thu 10th Jun 2010, 20:49, More)