b3ta.com user bacon and egg roll
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Five things about me
1. I live in Melbourne
2. I'm originally from London
3. I am financially disorganised but working on it.
4. I was once nearly run over by Mike Smith who was riding a miniature motorbike.
5. I get knee trembles when near the edge of high places. I first discovered this up the Eiffel Tower.


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» Family codes and rituals

Cup of Tea
Like a lot of the previous stories this one is about trying to relieve the never ending boredom that was a 2 hour car journey when you were a kid.

This one particular journey was pretty much the same as all of the others we had endured as children. The green Ford Cortina was stacked to the rafters with large camping gear. This is before the time of easy to put up, lightweight tents. These things were made of canvas and steel, came in 2 or 3 massive bags and took up most of the car (inside, the boot and on the roof rack).

So I was squashed in the back, my older brother to one side and my younger brother to the other.

After a quiet period, we'd probably been told off for something, My younger brother, Scott, turned to face me, and said "Would you like a cup of tea?"

I was quite taken in, "yes, I'd love one", I said.

He then punched me square in the middle of my face.

I was crying, laughing and confused. I'd been promised a cup of tea, I got a punch in the face.

The three of us in the back of the car were a mess, we didn't stop laughing until we got home...and even then we probably didn't stop.

From that day on we would always be wary of a friendly offer of a tasty warm beverage and use it as a warning to each other when things were getting a bit out of hand.

I recently told my wife this story, the first time I'd thought about it in 10 years. She just looked at me and said. "Yep, I can imagine trying to come up with an excuse to punch you in the face during a long journey"

Oh well.
(Sun 23rd Nov 2008, 23:36, More)

» Will you go out with me?

very simple and almost obvious really
We were 16, I think, and we worked in Bejams.

Every Saturday, for what seemed like months I walked her to a phone box, where she would call her Dad to come and pick her up.

Not really having had much experience of 'asking someone out' I just simply piped up with the rather direct and straight forward "will you go out with me?"

"Where?" was the almost immediate response, not having understood the implications and hidden meanings of the question I had posed.

"erm...everywhere I guess", was my rather confused reply.

We then spent 18 months together, at the end of which she broke my heart.
(Fri 29th Aug 2008, 2:37, More)

» Nightclubs

A good outcome...eventually
3 months in South East Asia, travelling on my own had of course provided me with a whole book on clubbing stories which usually involve lots of alcohol, lots of suitably stupid actions and a few cloudy memories...

None of which I will re-tell here because a) the details are too vague and b) they have been told in some form or another so much better on here already.

I was sitting here reading and thinking that really good/terrible ever happened to me in a nightclub but then I remembered one little fact.

I had been in Australia all of 12 hours since flying in from Bali and through a series of events I was sitting opposite the woman who I would be spending the rest of my life with.

I must point out that this wasn't blatantly obvious at the time, particularly since the words that had just left her mouth wasn't exactly the phrase I was longing to hear.

"My mate's going to take your brother home with her, but I'm not interested in you".

That was 10 years ago, we're married and having a fine old time....not interested my arse.
(Tue 14th Apr 2009, 7:01, More)

» Gambling

Many Moons Ago
I wrote this about 2 days after it happened....10 years ago.

I apologise for the bad spelling, terrible grammar and the fact that I haven't bothered to re-read it before posting.

~~~~~~~~~~~~Obligitory Wavy Lines~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I got to Kuala Lumpur for the second time after my day trip to Malacca. I was doing what backpackers do and just walking about taking in the sights of the area around Chinatown when a middle-aged Malaysian woman approached me and asked if I knew where a particular road was. With my trusty Lonely Planet to hand I was able to help. Anyway she seemed harmless enough and she started asking about London and explained that her sister was going to London in a few weeks time and could I spare some time to talk to her about it.

At the time I was rushing off to make a phone call home and had to refuse her offer of a drink but agreed to meet her the following day at 1pm at the nearby McDonalds.

Okay...immediately my mind goes bonkers...what does she want ? ..my body, my money (more likely) or something else ? So I decided to meet her and if it got too hairy I could always overpower her (they're only little) and run away before any damage could be done to my body or wallet.

So, as the big hand approached the twelve and the little hand was on the one I was standing outside the designated spot. She wasn't. But from behind me I heard my name being called out (very weird in a foreign country)and she had been waiting inside.

We sat down for a bit, she bought me a coke and we chatted...she said that it would be easy if I could spare half an hour or so right there and then to talk to her sister, but could we go shopping first. (Why is it I always end up with girls/women who want to wander around shopping malls ?) So I got in a cab with her and off we went. Just before this happened I bumped into the bi-sexual jewish woman I met a few days ago and told her where I was going and with whom, just to be safe.

So a couple of cab rides later and I'm in someone's home. Some Malaysian guy called Tom Ton. He introduces himself and explains that he is a croupier at the local big casino and that he too is going off to London in a few weeks to visit the Ritz casino and to go to a seminar on crouping.

Anyway, this is the bit that gets interesting.....

He begins to tell me about the VIP rooms in the casino where there are no cameras, only supervisors and the players play against themselves not the house who only take a percentage of the winnings.

He then starts his "proposal" as he kept putting it. He said there was a way that we could make a lot of money, 100,000 ringgit (nearly 15,000 quid) split three ways between myself, him and the supervisor.

He then takes me up to a room where there is a small table, some cards and a few large tiddlywinks. He then proceeds to show me how the scam works. Okay...I'm already feeling edgy but I'm keeping calm, so he shows me the hand signals, the circumstances, how to play the cards, how to bet against it and we practice for a bit. This was easy. It could work, I kept thinking.

All the time he's talking about a game that occurred last night between a couple of tycoons, one from Brunei and one from Singapore. The Brunei guy won and was coming over to take his "lucky dealer" to lunch.

So there we are practicing away, the woman who I originally met comes in and sits next to me while this goes on. Suddenly...Mr Brunei comes in, Tom Ton explains that I was playing blackjack against a Chinese guy last night and lost 10,000 ringgit, Mr Brunei commiserates me. Tom Ton then introduces the woman as my girlfriend, dammit...I'd like to think I have better taste than that.

It's at this point I started to make hints that I wanted to leave but the woman just kept kicking my leg as if saying don't go anywhere. So I stayed.

Tom Tun then suggests a 'fun game' between myself and Mr Brunei. Tom Tun produces 150 ringgit (30 quid) saying that as I had lost so much last night he would give me back his tip so I could play. Mr Brunei pulls out a bound wad worth 2000 ringgit (290 quid) and we begin to play.

Now as you can guess within about 2-3 hands I was sitting on 1000 ringgit due to the interesting addition to the game that we had been practicing... but I still couldn't help but think all was little to good. Then came a funny hand...I ended up with 21 with 3 cards. Mr Brunei had an ace showing and the dealer told me he had a 9 hidden. This was then simple, I bet almost everything..then the git raised me, by 500 ringgit, 200 of which I didn't have. Tom Tun then offers me credit for the 200 and was clearly saying to me do it. I got confused and a little concerned about this credit thing and visions of me trying to leave the house with 3000 in credit to this guy suddenly danced elaborately around my mind. So I threw it in. Didn't cover and lost the hand, much to the amazement of the 3 other people in the room. This obviously bothered me a little, why was Mr Brunei so sure that I should be carrying on...it's almost like he knew.

I managed to get out of the room with my 'girlfriend' under some pretence of making an important phone call. Tom Ton's attitude changed a little after that and the woman was a little confused.

I apologised to the guy (?) and explained that I had lost trust in him due to the unknown addition of this real game without warning and explained that I felt threatened and the woman got me out of the house and back to near where I was staying. I explained more clearly to her about what had happened. I think she understood and was going to try and convey this to Tom Ton who had been banging on about losing 150 ringgit.

I almost became part of a half decent scam and nearly made 5 grand in an evening...but then again I could have lost a rather lot of money or a leg or something. Overall it's an experience I am happy to have lived through and come out unscathed.


I lied...I have re-read it and I still can't believe it happened. I was very careful about where I went and who I went with for the whole of my travels and I am still very dubious about any kind of gambling scenario.

My brain must have briefly short-circuited and I went with the flow.

All that stuff that the mental cat Charlie taught me when I was a kid went straight out of the window.
(Mon 11th May 2009, 7:22, More)

» Famous people I hate

Surprise Surprise
To be honest I don't actually hate celebrities. I don't let them enter my life and I purposely don't read the pointless mags that feel the need to inform the unthinking masses about every pointless thing they do and say.

However...the missus has a problem with one person in particular. This person is rarely in the media...even less so since we left the UK, but one mention of this person brings on a hilarious but slightly scary verbal onslaught about the person in question.

This person is Cilla Black.

It's a good party trick...light the blue paper of fury and stand well back and watch as Mrs Bacon and Egg Roll's eyes go red (like they do to people who get possessed on the telly), the steam starts to come out of her ears and then 30 minutes of scathing and probably untrue comments about Ms Blacks personal life, performing ability and general lack of moral fibre spring forth.

At one time we created the "Island of Righteous Indignation". It's where we sent the people we found pointless and annoying. The island was drawn and photos (or drawings) of the current offenders were placed there. Cilla was the Mayor of the Island of Righteous Indignation and her permanent presence was represented by Cilla's head being cut out from a photo from the internet and pasted onto the body of a diseased rodent.

I have no idea where this issue with Cilla came from...perhaps she unknowingly slighted the wife in someway but it's hard to discover the problem without bringing on the tidal wave of abuse and vitriol.

I'm not sure I will tell the missus about posting this story...it's been a relatively quiet life since Cilla left our lives and I'd like to keep it that way.
(Fri 5th Feb 2010, 1:51, More)
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