» * PFFT *

A Guide to Farting in Elevators
1. Relax. You don't want to make noises, the victims MUST be taken by surprise. DO NOT force it out ( you may end up touching cloth and or following through and you wouldn't want to go into a meeting and sit down with a 'squelch' now would you?)
2. Let it all go. The smell will be diluted with air, so you must provide all the fart you can!!
3. Whatever you do, DON'T SMILE!! If someone sees you smiling you're on your own. Just a little grin may ruin it all. (Alternative: Tell a good joke before starting the mission)
4. Do not Cough. Same principle than before. Not During the act, not afterwards. Don't Cough at all.
5. Put your best "Someone Farted" Poker Face, but don't make the first NOR the second comment. These are always the first suspects - It is a commonly held belief that whoever smelt it, dealt it.
6. Don't do it when there's only 2 guys in the elevator.
7. Don't blame, but look blamingly. Choose the fattest guy in the elevator (Unless it's you, duh), Soon everyone will suspect your suspect.
8. Finally: Stay in there as long as you can. It's worthy and your body has activated a natural defense, which makes your own Farts smell pleasant to you.

(Extra tip: If you're in a car, be sure it's a cold day, so there's no windows open and no air conditioner)
(Tue 17th Jul 2007, 20:11, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Not So much bad parenting but...
...its a terrible trick to play on your children.

Imagine this, your car is filthy, coated in mud and you need it cleaned for free, what do you do?

Get 2 of your children to clean each side of the car and say there is a prize waiting for the person who does the best job (finishing with the cleanest side) . Then when they have done washing the car, just say there is no prize.

Oh dear, my lads went into a terrible mood after that, I promised them sweets but never bought them, Oh Well.
(Thu 16th Aug 2007, 23:13, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Never..
..have sex with a fat chick layed on the top, my body indent stayed on the mattress for 2 days after that.
(Mon 18th Jun 2007, 21:49, More)

» Insults

My Insult to Little Chavs......
They complain about everything that isn't about them, whilst I was wearing a suit, I walked past a lad, he shouted an insult, so I replied

"Specualtor, speculator, premature ejeculator"

I didn't think he would expect this from a man in a suit and chased me down the street, they reached me , so I hit him right between the eye with my breifcase , layed him out cold.

I ran.


Length? Too long? Maybe? Definately not short?
(Sun 7th Oct 2007, 18:05, More)

» Terrible food

Twiglets..
...Who created them.

It reminds me of a holiday when I was bitten by a lot of mosquitoes on my penis (ARGH), they look remarkably similar.
(Thu 17th May 2007, 15:53, More)