b3ta.com user CaffeineFiend
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» Cringe!

Putting it out...
A few friends and I were sitting around discussing the benefits of shaving, as you do, and a close friend kept going on and on about how awesome it is to have shaved balls. Well, Ian listened to his advice. He came back the next day asking quietly how to get the pubes off the bottom of his sack. He was informed, jokingly, that you simply burn them off.

To this day, we won't let him live it down. He still claims the worst part was not burning his balls, but the instinct to put it out by slapping...
(Wed 3rd Dec 2008, 6:07, More)

» Eccentrics

Small Liberal Arts College
My conservative grandfather loved to remark about all the "crazy liberals" in the Midwest. I figured he was the crazy one, until I went to a liberal arts college.

Some of the characters include:

Sally: Sally has two volumes, loud and off. She routinely walks into my room, puts a piece of duct tape on my roomie's wall and writes whatever word on it. This morning, she walked in, removed her shirt, and began telling me at length about how her bazookas were different sizes... And that she is an ice cream cone.

Kyle: Kyle always agrees with you. "Kyle, you're a spineless asshole." "I know", "Kyle, your textbook is in the microwave" (it's in his hands...) "I know", "Kyle you're an evolutionary throwback" "I know"... He was actually dating a chick at the beginning of the year, when she broke up with him, he promptly kicked through double-paned safety glass, then sat down and waited for campus security - with his foot still through the door.

John: John is narcoleptic - Res life put him on the fourth floor, with no elevators - he sleeps in the boy's lounge. He routinely replaces words with "darsh", as in "Who has the darsh? (time)" or "I can't find my darsh. (jacket)". John writes poetry on notebooks he holds up to the window - two feet from the table.

Mary: Mary managed to be the only freshman with her own room. How? It was a two step process. First, if you stopped by her room when the door was open, she would gladly sit and give you the rundown on her favorite vibrators -and show them to you as she proudly explains how one's dying from overuse. Second, her roommate is just sitting on her computer doing homework and she looks over and Mary's just having a good ol' time with herself - completely naked and lying on top of her sheets.

Laura and Sarah: Roommates who are the real life equivalent of Will and Grace's Karen and Rosario....

Chris:Chris is about 6'3" and constantly wanders around with a teacup made for a child. He offers to read your tea leaves in exchange for good gin. Every time he drinks his gin; however, he attempts to either maim or molest me. Is also very prone to (while sober) sit in a chair and giggle manically at nothing.

Joe: Joe is a smelly hippy who can generally be found hanging upside down from the exposed plumbing above the vending machines, because it gives him perspective.

And, finally, Stuart: Stuart loves him bike to the point of obsession. He will tell you at length how his bike is his wife and his other bike is his sister (somehow, these are equivalent in his mind), but his bed is simply a one night stand which he uses and abuses when he wants to.

We also have our fair share of typical weirdos, boys in dresses, that kid who only eats yellow food, the boy who will meow at you and then ask if you have a cat, and the theatre department, so typically crazy and rarely dull.

Length? *blushes* It might be too big...
(Mon 3rd Nov 2008, 19:24, More)

» Eccentrics

My Uncles are good guys, odd and crass, but all around decent men. The very first time I met them, I walked into their house as they're sitting on the computer declaring "fake, fake, fake, real, fake, real...." This happened routinely at their place, half the time they'd be looking at Indian artifacts and half the time it would be boobs.

What makes them eccentric though, is their war with the squirrels. They have a neat little garden patch in the back yard and every time they turned their back, the squirrels would devour their tomatoes. So, in an attempt to permanently solve the problem, they decided to eliminate the squirrels. They went about this by sprinkling bird food over a grassy patch of yard. Then they dragged the hose over and let it run so that their grass was now a lovely mud puddle. Finally, they ran an extension cord from the kitchen plug out into the yard and plugged it into the ground - smack in the middle of the mud puddle. I've never seen them actually harm a squirrel, but I can't count how many times they've knocked over a beer or twelve running from the living room to plug in the extension cord because someone yelled "squirrel!"
(Sat 1st Nov 2008, 6:07, More)

» Blood

Blood! Drunken Debauchery! Superglue...
In a fit of mind-numbing stupidity I elected to go to Chicago with my IB class. Now in my high school, IB can pretty much be directly translated into pretentious pseudo-intellectuals the school system has arbitrarily designated as "smart". Regardless, there were a few amusing and intelligent individuals, basically my friend Paddy*. This ties into the QOTW because of Tom*. Tom joined the rest of the kids in getting completely and utterly wasted.

Over the course of the night everyone is hitting various stages of drunken debauchery and quitting drinking, because they're responsible mature twats. Tom hits this level without realizing it. He keeps drinking and promptly trips, landing face first on the corner of the table. Que blood gushing down his face as the responsible children look on, dumbfounded.

After watching the girls stare awkwardly for a moment, a very drunk Paddy walks over and starts poking at Tom's head. He then searches the hotel room for superglue or a needle and thread and somehow manages to find superglue amid the clothing, people, and bottles. Despite being quite inebriated, Paddy glues Tom's head back together and stops the bleeding. Everyone continues partying until they leave for home.

Upon arrival, Tom's father meets up with them and is told that he walked into a door frame at the art gallery and that Paddy fixed him up. He decides Tom will be going to the Urgent Care center anyway. The amusing bit? When the nurse there saw Tom's head she informed his father there was no need for stitches as he'd already been seen to by a professional...

*names may have been changed to protect the somewhat innocent

Be gentle, it's my first time. ;-)
(Fri 8th Aug 2008, 23:26, More)

» Will you go out with me?

Lord of the Rings
I had a habit of dating assholes. Complete and utter assholes. When I noticed the assholery, I would stop flirting and curl up on top of Mason* to ditch the future headache. He was always obliging and had the safest arms known to mankind.

Eventually, the tension was palpable but I couldn't do anything that would "threaten our friendship". Until finally, I was curled up on his lap, leeching body heat, and leaned back talking. We were talking so close our lips were brushing. I still don't know who kissed who, but it was brilliant. We made each other happier than I thought was possible, outside of movies. And we made each other more miserable than we'd ever been.

We broke up a year ago and I moved 400 miles away for school. I spent the summer looking for anyone and everyone vaguely attractive and NOT MASON. I met a sweet boy who likes to do things for me; Mason met a theatre girl who was ABSOLUTELY NOT me.

I kiss the sweet boy and think "he's a pale imitation", I snuggle down on his lap and think I'll break him. Mason calls me in tears, needing to know how to feel how he felt with me again. I just want to be happy with anyone less infuriating than him. I don't know if that can happen.

*name changed to save me embarrassment.

Apologies for rambling, I'm exhausted and should not have a computer in front of me.
(Mon 1st Sep 2008, 6:18, More)
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