» The worst sex I ever had

69 with extra topping
I'll keep it short.

She farted once.
She farted twice.
She farted a third time, followed through and shat on my face.
I threw up in her cnut.

Nuff said really.
(Sun 17th Jun 2007, 14:17, More)

» Conned

Glastonbury tickets
Growing up in Wiltshire in the 90's wasn't all that great. Clubbing was restricted to the larger cities and generally there was fuck all to do. Except in the summer when every year without fail, we went to Glastonbury.

Going on a regular basis meant we knew our way around the local area, particularly the nearby fields. As the festival got increasingly popular it became more and more difficult to source tickets and one year (1999) we didn't get them.

Fucksocks.

About three hours into day one of the festival I get a call from my mate Rich who tells me to get my arse down to Glastonbury because he has got himself a load of tickets. Slightly wary of how he got them or if they were fakes I turned up, got in and had a great day; Rich remaining tight lipped as to how he managed to get the tickets.

Fast forward to Sunday morning and I'm queuing for the toilet when I start to overhear a conversation in front of me. A couple were talking about a scam that someone was running where tickets had been stolen. Much discussion later and I find out exactly how Rich and accomplice got the tickets.

What they had done was to open the gate of a nearby field and print and put up a large sign stating 'Glastonbury Festival Parking'. Armed with more official looking arrow signs, tape, ropes and tables, together with a convincing marshal's outfit, they had set themselves up a fake entrance to the festival and after people had parked, they were exchanging people's tickets for worthless 'entry passes' and sending them off through another gate to get thoroughly lost in the Somerset countryside.

Rich denied all but he knew that countryside better than anyone I know and given that he is now serving a prison sentence for fraud I am more certain than ever it was him. Needless to say I did feel more than a little guilty at being in on a stolen ticket but it was a great festival.
(Thu 18th Oct 2007, 16:22, More)

» Being told off as an adult

Caught flashing
When I was living with my bunny boiler ex, she frequently used to wonder around the place topless, especially when getting ready. No problem with that, I hear you cry, and I would tend to agree with you.

However we used to live in a block of flats, of which the outlook from ours of was another identical block. It seems she didn't take as much care as she should to prevent unauthorised viewing of her jubblies.

This was apparent when we were walking around the local Waitrose and a little lad of not more than about 7 points at my ex and states very loudly:

'Mummy, it's that woman with the boobies, now you can tell her off for being rude'

Cue a mortified blonde scuttling out down the fruit and veg aisle. I found it hilarious.
(Mon 24th Sep 2007, 11:54, More)

» Stupid Dares

School
As the slightly rotund unpopular kid at school I more often than not fell into the trap of taking on stupid dares to gain popularity, so I've got quite a few of these.

The first that springs to mind was French class, circa Year 9. Fat Freddy had been robbed of his very expensive new trainers that he was not really supposed to be wearing but had 'medical reasons' for doing so. More accurately he had been robbed of one trainer and said trainer was doing a very good impersonation of a ball as it was thrown around the classroom.

When it reached me, someone shouted 'Throw it out the window', which quickly becoming chants of 'Window! Window! Window!' With little hesitation and desperately snatching at a chance to be popular for a nanosecond I took aim and launched the trainer full pelt at the window.

Only for someone with quicker reactions than me to reach across and slam the window shut. Now if there's one advantage of being fat, it's strength and there was no way this high speed bullet trainer was being stopped by a pane of glass. Smash! Straight through the glass, out of the 3 storey building. Worse still, it didn't seem to lose any speed as it hurtled to the ground to arrive very non-discretely on the bonce of our French teacher.

Oops. Nearly got excluded for that one.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 12:53, More)

» Voyeurism

Of Scousers and blue teddy bears
This still haunts me to this day, it happened when I was at uni. As tends to happen in the first few weeks, the people you're initially closest to are the ones that live in the same block of halls who are on the same course. This meant my immediate circle of friends were a couple of girls from London, a Geordie and a Scouse lad, all of us medics.

Fast forward a few weeks and we're all still pretty close friends having found out we have much more in common than just locality and course. The usual drunken and stoned late nights occur and the conversation unsurprisingly turns to sex. After failing miserably to convince the girls I had only recently lost my virginity, Scouse (yes, we were very original with the nicknames), mentioned that he was asexual, that he neither fancied men or women and sex didn't interest him. Much questioning followed as to how someone could not be interested in sex but he was adamant that he wasn't so we left it at that.

About two weeks later, the five of us had arranged to go out for a meal and we were walking to Scouse's room to pick him up as he was the last one before you turned out of the block. Without knocking, I opened the door to his room to find him lying on his back on the bed, fucking a giant blue teddy up a torn hole for an arsehole. I still haven't decided if it made it better or worse he was wearing a rubber, I guess safe teddy sex is still important.

Why he never locked the door we'll never know but we certainly knew why he didn't fancy men or women, they clearly didn't have enough polyester stuffing for him. Needless to say we didn't see much of Scouse from then on. Be warned, this guy is an ENT doctor (SHO) working in a hospital somewhere near you.
(Tue 16th Oct 2007, 14:07, More)