b3ta.com user horrgakx
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» Too much information

One of the many stories to come out of Thailand... Warning - story about shit :)

On the list of things to do in Thailand was 1) see the Malaysian Grand Prix, 2) do shed loads of diving and 3) anything else in between.

As we walked towards the airport terminal on our way back from Phuket after a 4-day diving trip to the Similan Islands, I said I was just nipping in for a quick dump so the guys went on ahead. Bear in mind we'd been on a boat for 4 days so the food had been 'different' to say the least.

They saw me staggering back as I couldn't walk for laughing so hard. I struggled to get the story out and we were in fits of laughter before I'd even finished. I'll tell you why...

Now in Thailand it is usual for the locals not to use toilet paper but to use a water jet instead - like a bidet if you will. I looked at it with a frown, it might be the time to try it out.

So... when I'd finished I pushed the nozzle between my legs and pressed the plunger. Now, you were meant to regulate with a subtle press of the lever. Of course I squeezed the life out of it and full mains pressure blew shit from my arse and all over the wall behind me.

Not only that but it had caught my t-shirt on the way, all I did was rinse and wring it out - jobs a good 'un.
(Thu 6th Sep 2007, 15:44, More)

» IT Support

Modem on the wall?
One I couldn't hold a laugh in for was this.. a lady who was a bit of a computer numbty phoned me up saying she couldn't connect to the Internet. This was well before broadband was common place so I set about trying to diagnose her modem. As you do, you want to establish whether or not she's getting connected at all so my question "Is your modem hanging up?" was greeted by a couple of seconds silence and she replied "No, its on the desk".
(Fri 25th Sep 2009, 19:53, More)

» Customers from Hell

Another IT story - stupid individual
Loads of these ;) Anyway I was "In IT" (which meant that people keep asking me how to do stuff in Microsoft Word).

I had this one woman call (who I know, but not in the biblical sense) who has issues connecting to her ISP via modem

Of course you have to take it a step at a time so I wanted to know about her modem first and find out if it was connecting okay or not. I asked her
"Is your modem hanging up?".
She replied "No, its on the desk".

This is the same woman and as she knows me, genuinely, she took a liberty to ask a non-IT question. "How do aeroplanes fly?" (I kid you not).
Being shocked I said something about air over the wings and the engines pushing it along.
She then asked "Where are the engines, under the bonnet?".

"No, they're usually under the wings, the things that hang down".
She said "Oh, I thought they were fans".

How do you even start with someone who doesn't even know, well, anything?
(Tue 9th Sep 2008, 9:29, More)

» Personal Hygiene

A great story about sick
When I was still living with my parents, my whole family had gone away for a couple of weeks leaving me on my own in the house.
I was to film a friends wedding.

Unfortunately the previous night I had drunk a bottle of vodka with friends, I was so drunk. I vaguely remember being sick on the floor of my bedroom during the night. When I woke up I was seriously late so I left the sick there on the floor. I left it there for a full week and just slept in another room.

Shortly before my parents came back from holiday I simply ran the vacuum cleaner over it and the carpet was clean, if not a little stained. They were none the wiser.

The same week I had a nosebleed - I blew out as much as I could all over the shower walls and left it there. I invited my friends round to see what looked like a murder scene.
(Wed 28th Mar 2007, 12:10, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

Caught short while urbexing
I've done a little Urbexing recently (if you're not sure what that is look at 28dayslater.co.uk) and whenever I do something like that I always seem to want a poo, no matter if I go before or not.

Anyway this one time I was doing a full photo shoot in an abandoned building using the HDR technique (again, look it up). I really needed on and couldn't wait. So, an old carrier bag was on the floor, I moved it to a corner and did the business onto it.

Didn't seem like a big one, I thought "is that it??" but when I looked round there was a massive single turd complete with yellow sweetcorn. I was so impressed I took a picture in full HDR detail.

I then picked it up in the carrier bag and put it out onto the roof through a broken window 1) because the smell was bad and 2) because I didn't want evidence of anyone being there.

I have the picture if anyone wants to see it.
(Mon 31st Mar 2008, 9:30, More)
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