» Conversation Killers

Last year...
Last year I was seeing a delightful young lady. It had been a while since I had had what I would term a 'good relationship' with someone that not only did I fancy but shared many things with.

We were really a brilliant couple and everyone commented on it.

We had been seeing each other for a couple of months, and as she had a son, and for what ever reason we were taking things quite steadily. It was really nice, we used to alternate long weekends at mine or hers, a few times taking dirty weekend breaks... All was sound in the world.

At this point I really was falling in love with her, she is the only ex I look back at with fondness. I digress...

We'd spent the friday night out and about, had a nice lie in in the morning then spent the day shopping, then late pub lunch then home with beer, DVD and I cooked. We clamber into bed quite early and are lay there just being all gay and coupley.

She was facing away from me, both of us drifting off, but both aware that we were both very much awake. When, still facing away from me, she utters 'I love you', now, if you wish to stop any conversation for at least 24 hours - I suggest you do exactly as I did... You laugh and then fart. Cold shoulder? I was expecting the shed!
(Thu 12th May 2011, 17:25, More)

» The thing I've been most ashamed of doing with a penis

All I can say...
I am addicted to cheap late night cop chase shows... but being busted having a dangle dingling with a dungle.. well...


(Sat 14th Mar 2009, 0:01, More)

» Funerals II

I hate to be somber and change the mood, but I am going to.
I've started to arrange my own funeral. I'm early 30's and have been diagnosed with a genetic disorder that has attacked my organs, in a not too happy clappy way; they're broken.

The thing is, I don't really like big ceremonies, and I am tight fisted, so I don't want anything more than a cardboard box and then to be cremated. I haven't decided where to have my ashes put. But I can't stress how much I don't want a song nor dance.

It's quite weird having to do this type of stuff, it's almost as though you're writing instructions for someone else. I hope everyone can remember me with laughter, but it pains me that people will be upset.
(Thu 11th Apr 2013, 15:47, More)

» Churches, temples and holy places

Great, it must have been a sign.
I am not religious, but I love religions... for the history and stories, but mainly for the architecture. I love visiting cathedrals and the like. Marvelling at how these huge structures were created all those years ago.

Rewind wavy lines 10 years ago ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The very last time I went into a church I realised I was in there at the wrong time. It was a catholic 'church???' and I happened to go in whilst the god botherers were giving out wine and biscuits. I sat down at the back, taking in all the architecture, not having a clue what was really going on.

It came to the point where everyone got up and started to walk to the front, I thought it rude for me to take 'communion??!?!' as I am not Catholic, but some old chap near me ushered me to the front, where I fumbled and copied what everyone else was doing. I felt like a tit. It soon ended so I was able to escape. I lived 3 minutes away on my bike (pedal) which was chained to the railings outside. I may have had a few pints that lunch (6) in the students union, and perhaps a few shots too... I was looking forward to getting back to my digs, to smoke drink more and play on my dial up internet connection.

I unchain my bike, hop on... it's a major road so all my cycling was conducted on the pavement. 100 yards down the road is a narrow road that forms a really awkward 5 junction intersection. There are traffic lights, blind spots, and heavy heavy traffic as this was early evening commuter time.

So I decide to do what I had done never before (I am really usually cautious normally) (I ride at a walking pace) (rode) but for some reason this evening I was trundling along, I glanced to my left, saw nothing, proceeded to cross this narrow road. BANG... I was full sideon hit by a ford mondeo. I was knocked out cold. Luckilly this was outside my local pub and everyone rushed out to cover me in coats and make sure I wasn't dead. Minutes later I had the whole of the Hagley road shut. Paramedic motorbikes, two ambulances, and a plethora of police vehicles surrounding me. If you've ever woken up in the middle of the street, hurty with a man in a helmet staring at you then you will realise you may be in a bad situation*.

So my story to keep this on track kids, is never take communion when you're not religious, you will get run over. This is also why I will never ride again, and haven't been into a church since next time I will be hit by a meteorite.

*I was ok, just bruised and battered, however I had to take out all my piercings for the full body xrays and couldn't bend to put them back in, I also had a cough at the time which when you have bruised ribs is not a pleasant experience. My heap of shite solid metal 4 million year old mountain bike took most of the brunt of the force, it was really mangled. The guy admitted going through a light right as it was changing, I was asked if I wanted to take it further but couldn't be arsed. He had to get a new bumper and bonnet.
(Tue 6th Sep 2011, 16:56, More)

» Wanking Disasters Part II

Desktop Pictures.
I quite enjoy having stupid images as my desktop background - my phone has a picture of a giraffe's arse up close, whilst my laptop has a picture of a crudely drawn fish.

One Wednesday last year (I work from home) I decided that as I had worked rather hard I deserved some mid-morning hand and arm exercise.

Thinking the house was empty was my first mistake - realising my Dad has zero respect for knocking the door was my second - my third was having a hairy chested reclining picture of David Hasselhoff as my background image.

So the second I hear footsteps outside the door firefox gets shut trousers start getting yanked up just the time the door opens.

It was quite clear what I was doing; embarrassing enough... but my old man now thinks to make man milk I need stars of the 1980's hairy male variety.
(Thu 17th Feb 2011, 14:48, More)