b3ta.com user Lordfudgington
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I could write a biography, but it would read like a 1950's survival manual: Depressingly optimistic and feature heavily on the merits of hiding under tables.

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» Terrible food

at a party about a month back, my mate had a fridge full of mouldy food (no lie- the cheese was mouldy, chicken was mouldy... im supprised the lightbulb wasn't mouldy). so rather than experiment with the various life forms on display for their medicinal / hallucenogenic effects, we went to the shop and bought the classic fail-safe, idiot proof super noodles. starving, having eaten naught but a sandwhich all day, and having drank a few plastic cups of wine (we're sophisticated that way - wine!) i was ready to eat. trusting the others with the cooking, i played xbox for a bit. about 10 minutes later they come upstairs saying "...erm... theres been a bit of an accident". They had turned the supernoodles blue. i politely enquired how they had made this spectacular fuck up, to shakes of heads and "dunno"'s. Bastards. So, to compensate, i drunkenly raided the cupboards. i managed to find oats, butter and golden syrup. so, we attempted to make flapjacks. someone thought it was a good idea to put blue food colouring in the mix. incidently, thats why the supernoodles were blue, didn't want me having any so they turned them blue. anyway, cue giggling at our blue mixture, and the butter we had managed to turn blue for the guys mum to find when she gets back, we bunged it on a tray and into the oven.

What we wanted was Flapjacks

What we got resembled Smurf Genocide.
Didn't taste too bad, but neither do kebab scraps on the floor with enough drink.

we left it for him to find in the morning :)

Top off a top night by the guys pissing cat jumping on me for a cuddle at 6 in the fucking morning after a couple hours sleep.

Click "i like this" if you think cats are completely crap animals
(Thu 17th May 2007, 11:12, More)

» Family Holidays

And while i'm on the subject
Me and my uncle once stole 94 lemons from a nearbye field, conveniently with sod-all in the way of a fence, while on holiday in spain.

the Picture is Here
(Sun 5th Aug 2007, 23:35, More)

» Work Experience

Shut him up
When i was a wee bit younger, i would go in some saturday mornings to my dads work, where for me generally sweeping up and helping out i would get an overly generous payment ranging between £5-£20 (depending on how much stuff i broke / stole / sprayed with adhesive and stuck to things). been quite quiet, i somehow attracted the attention of the people in the office, who would never miss a chance to pick on the quiet kid (my brother included =/).
One day, one of the guys from the office who was quite happily ripping the shit out of me asked how much i was getting for coming in.
"about a fiver more than you" i said with a smile.
He didn't talk to me for about 3 years afterwards.
appologies for length, but i eventualy got pleasantries
(Thu 10th May 2007, 10:37, More)

» Eccentrics

Let's see...
Being from a big family, we have a couple of relatives that may fit the description.
Lets start with my Uncle.

Any of you bold enough to remember Peter Kay's description of "Uncle Nobhead" would have a good idea of the man.

Now in his 50's, he still finds it acceptable to wear denim shorts that would put hot pants to shame. All year round. He boasts gleefully about how he is fluent in French ("But with a Normandy accent"). Also, a number of times he has brought complete strangers to our house and said heartily things like "Oh, this is Brian, he's excellent at piano" while we stood staring in disbelief at this man who wouldn't appear out of place on the shortlist for the sex offender of the year award, wanting to come in and probably steal some underwear.

My nan.
She is a lovely woman, having taken care of me for years after school while my parents were at work. I was a little bastard and she still thinks the sun shines out (Visible even more after my underwear had been pillaged). Firstly, she insists she doesn't drink. If thats true, she must be donating all those bottles of gin we bring back from holiday to the cats home. Also, she has a very short temper for store clerks. Last christmas, while shopping for my dad a present with my mum, she was waiting for a cashier to fold a shirt up and bag it. But no, this wasn't satisfactory, something was amiss.
"You're doing it wrong! Give it 'ere!" She cried, before snatching it from the womans hands and proceeding to fold the shirt properly as defined by the constitution of old people Sect. 3 Sub Sect. 6.

Finally, an auntie of mine.

Sadly passed not too long ago, she was an intriguing woman to say the least. There is one notable experience I should like to submit for your amusements. Once, my dad phoned her house to get in touch with my uncle, who was out. So, my dad being a king of jokers, decided to extract the urine somewhat. He proceeded to tell her she was breaking up and he couldn't here her. She replied with an "Oh no, what do I do?!". My dad, being the helpful sort, told her exactly what to do. He had her climbing on sofas and tables trying to get a better reception to find a better signal to see what my dad wanted. Not a wholly ridiculous notion if you're using a mobile. She was using a landline. Not only that, but it was a corded phone. Not wireless in the slightest. She probably had to untangle the wire while doing it.
Oh yeah, and before I forget, she was also on the radio once as part of "Simon Logans Breakfast show" (For all you fellow northern monkeys) wind ups. She thought the council was ringing to complain about her precious dog, and was heard to remark about "Doggie Do-dos!" many a time. I think I may even have that recorded somewhere. If people like the post enough, i'll see if I can upload it.

Appologies for length, I think it's about 2 generations.
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 14:09, More)

» Family Holidays

Family outing to spain
This was sometime late last year.

I was staying in a villa with my parents and a friend who had come on holiday with us. Now, this was during the stage of my life where i was drinking more than i could handle on a regular basis, so i was farely used to feeling ill at somepoint in the night, but generally i could look after myself, if i was ill i was ill, but i would clean up and have some water and i'd be fine by the morning (as i'd done some nights previous). Me and my mate took it in turns drinking and looking after each other, was all a good laugh.


on the 4th night of the holiday ( i think it was) we were hitting the cider hard, and about to turn to the vodka redbull to keep us up a bit. Now, i'm the type who doesn't like to wait for my next drink, so i did the smart thing and made vodka cider redbull. ugh. the second pint was just as bad, and i kept topping it up for a while untill i gave up and stumbled to the toilet, feeling the need to empty my bowels. Around half an hour later, my mate discovered me sat naked and comatose on the toilet, sick dripping down my stomach and (as i'm told) matted into my pubic hair. how embarrasing you may think, but oh no, i'm not done there. rather than pick steak out of the region of your friend you hope never to see before his stag do, said mate goes and knocks on my mums door. "Jane, you best come have a look at your son". Cue my mother, proud at my recent GCSE results (i was 16) cleaning sick ...from me, while i rather abusively insisted that "i have not been sick" and made a carry on while they tried to leave me presentable.

to top it off, they put me to bed, and upon asking if i was going to be sick again, i gave the negetive. 5 minutes later i had re-decorated the walls.

Best of all, i earned the nickname "Carrot Knackers" from my dad, and was reffered to as such at all times. i think even the neighbours knew. and also, when i sneezed the next morning, chunks of semi digested chips came out. nearly forgot that.

Sorry about the length, but if no one complained then neither should you.
(Sun 5th Aug 2007, 22:55, More)
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