» House Guests

Ungrateful sod
Ive got a houseguest who's a complete nightmare. Will happily sleep during the day if he feels like it but thinks nothing of screaming his head off at 3am to demand food. He's also a dirty bugger, I've lost count of the number of times he's shat or pissed himself and muggins here is expected to clean up.

Bloody geordies. Last time I let one stay.
(Sat 8th Jan 2011, 10:48, More)

» Stupid Colleagues

That explains it
I knew Dan for a while anyway but we briefly worked together so he counts as a colleague.

In our late teen years, we were at another friend's parent's house (who were on hols for a week), enjoying the rare treat of being able to get shtoned in a nice living room with a big telly.

Flicking through the satellite channels, we came across a Robert Redford film dubbed into German. "I didn't know he could speak German!" says Dan. I looked at him with a grin, thinking he was being witty. He wasn't. Smirking like the little smartarse I was, I said "yeah, all major films are shot in multiple languages, so they can sell them overseas. They do the scene in English, then start again in French, German, Japanese and so on".

While the others supressed their giggles, Dan let this rattle around his vaguely canine mind for a few moments. Taking a deep toke, he held it in and treated us to "that's probably why films take so long to make then", before exhaling a large plume of smoke, nodding sagely and turning his little beady red eyes back to the screen.
(Sun 6th Mar 2011, 12:25, More)

» Devastating Put-Downs

Best festival heckle
..I ever heard was at the Phoenix Festival (I think 1992). I was down the front of the main stage, waiting for Faith No More to come on. House of Pain were second on the bill: they came on to a slighty muted reception and an intro tape of sirens, beats and lots of 'woooh! Yeah! House Of Pain in the motherfucking house' from Everlast and the other chap.

There was a brief moment of quiet between their intro ending and the DJ finding the play button on the DAT machine for the first tune. It was filled with someone near me shouting, loud enough to be heard onstage, "Play 'Jump Around and then FUCK OFF".

Unfortunately they ignored his suggestion and ploughed on with the entire set.
(Sat 26th Nov 2011, 19:43, More)

» Good Advice

'Neither a borrower nor a bender be'
is not good advice.
(Thu 20th May 2010, 17:40, More)

» Dad stories

Blurter
Long time listener, first time caller.

My dad is no longer around, 2 years in feb. In my teens and early 20s we had something of a rocky relationship (read: mercurial) that thankfully got better as the years went on.

In the midst of this, I was a callow 15 year old (aka fat metaller) and doing some work in the research lab he ran (no test tubes involved, just l33t powerpoint skills) during the summer hols. On the walk back home, we passed a pub and he asked if I fancied a pint. 'wow' I thought, 'some father-son bonding time'. We walked in and I ordered a pint of cider (an emetic I can no longer touch). I looked old for my age, so the barmaid poured it, and went to hand it to me as she asked what he was having. 'hang on' he said 'are you allowed to serve under18s?'

My pint was swiftly retracted and we passed a lovely 20 mins in the pub garden, him drinking a pint of bitter and going 'look, I'm sorry, ok? It just came out' and me glaring at him over my coke and packet of crisps.

In other news, he did used to make me and my sis scream with excitement when he'd arrive home at bathtime (I think I was about 6) and throw dry ice into the bath (carefully avoiding us) to make it bubble and smoke. Top.

I do miss the old sod.
(Wed 1st Dec 2010, 13:16, More)