» Guilty Secrets

Shortie...
Last week while having lunch in a popular restaurant with two of my work colleagues, a midget waddled towards us and sat down at the adjacent table facing us. I thought to myself "Oh SHIT!" As soon as I made eye-contact with one of my colleagues, I started giggling in amusement with laughter.

One of those occasions where there are tears running down your eyes, no matter how hard you try, you cannot stop your shoulders from motioning up and down giving the game away.

All this happened. I laughed my tits off at the poor pintsized Lilliputian, but there was a chance to avoid it. I reacted like this simply because, my colleague said the oh-so magic word (with a slight shake of the head and the making of a soon-to-appear grin...) "Don't..."

Guilty secret? Midgets make me laugh all high pitched like a little girl!!!!!
(Wed 5th Sep 2007, 19:16, More)

» * PFFT *

About four years back...
...was in a souvenir shop with the ex-girlfriend, Leidseplein Square, Amsterdam. Lovely place. The smell of shit suddenly hit me though, just before she approached me with the words (and the funniest look of sorrow and shame I've ever saw) "I've just done a smell."

Fucking knew it was her as soon as I smelt it. Dragged her out the shop before fingers started getting pointed.
(Fri 13th Jul 2007, 15:16, More)

» Terrible food

Technically not food but it still goes in your mouth...
When I was about seven years old, I was brushing my teeth one morning. "Oooh", I thought. "New red toothpaste. I'll have a go at that."

My Mum's hair dye.

Yep, residual red teeth in school that day...
(Wed 23rd May 2007, 1:46, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

Very apt QOTW...
...even though I'm not getting fired.

I'm actually leaving my job next week.

Having spent the last couple of years of this job getting away with doing as little as possible, even overdosing on coffee because I reckon it takes about an hour out of the eight hour day boiling and waiting for the kettle before I pour it, if you drink enough of the stuff, showing up pissed on more than one occasion so that "the day is a write-off, that work can wait until tomorrow...", pretty much playing on Sonic The Hedgehog when my bosses back is turned (which co-incidentally it is now as I type this), sitting off reading previous QOTW on b3ta, reading ALL the websites from my RSS feeds before I “settle down for the day to do some proper work” how have I been rewarded with this lax attitude?

I start a new job a week Monday. Double the salary, free parking, expenses paid for, nice air conditioned office, beautiful views of gardens from the windows of my new office and far less, less work. Oh yer, I’m also a mobile worker which means I can “work from home” if I want to as well. Or have meetings in cafes and stuff if necessary.

I didn’t even have to sell my soul for all this. And I’ve not half just brightened up my day after reading back to myself what I’ve just typed!!!

And the football season starts tomorrow!!! It's all good...
(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 12:50, More)

» Work Experience

'Franking'
I've worked since I was 14 years old getting paid out of petty cash before I had my NI number etc... Belter, I was loaded as a kid. So work experience through school and college was lost on me. I thought I was special and shouldn't have had to do it. I still think this is true now to this day.

I took a Business Studies course at A-level and the powers that be wrongly assumed that we all needed to go out and experience the big world of work. My protests about having worked at nights and weekends for the previous four years fell on deaf ears though... Pricks.

I was placed in the administration department of a racecourse which holds a race meeting once a year...

...where they stood me at a franking machine with AT LEAST 8000 A4 envelopes to 'do' to send out to all their corporate clients who maybe wanted to rent out an executive box (I don't know what the verb is 'to frank'. 'Franking' is it?)

Anyway, after twenty minutes of this (literally the most mind-numbing job I've ever done in my life...), I argued I had "experienced" franking now and can I do something else? No chance, this was real life work and this needed to be done. "Bollocks" I cried to the fat blonde secretary who was sitting on her fat arse getting away with watching me do it. It was her job to do it. I was the slave from the local college she was getting to do her job for her for free...

So I walked out and never went back again.

Though only after three hours of standing at the franking machine trying to pluck up the courage up to actually stand up to them and walk out though. Not really as rock'n'roll as I'd like this story to end, now I've typed it out...

Anyway, there's three hours I'll never get back (a bit like the three minutes you'll never get back after reading this) but I've got a hell of a bicep on my right arm due to all the practice I got in 'franking' when I was 18.

My first post, so be as insulting as you'd like.
(Sat 12th May 2007, 16:55, More)