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» When were you last really scared?

Unexplained naked lady
In 2003 I was studying for a masters in IT at Glasgow Uni - the course was tough with constant projects to hand in and deadlines to meet. I was also going through a phase of watching lots horror films at the time.
Anyway, one Monday night I get in from Uni with an early start planned the next day to get my multimedia project handed in. Get some dinner watch some telly and head to bed.
At about three 'o' clock I wake up with a genuine sense that there's someone in the room - y'know that way that you can sometimes just feel that everything isn't as it should be. I sit up a bit and sure enough sitting on the end of my bed is a person. Pulling myself up more I can see it's a girl with long hair sitting, naked, at the foot of my bed.
Now anyone who's ever seen any sort of horror knows that unexplained naked women ALWAYS mean trouble. I'm trying to stay calm thinking about a reasonable explaination for this and finally whimper "Wh... wh... what are you doing in my room?". She says nothing then she tries to get into my bed - at this point I freak out and jump up and out of the bed and hit the light switch by which time she's under the covers. I start saying "what are you doing" and "get out of my bed" finally just repeating "why are you here!".
Turned out my flatmate had a massive row with his girlfriend and went drinking pulled this girl who was so drunk she got lost on her way back from the bathroom.
(Tue 27th Feb 2007, 12:02, More)

» Eccentrics

Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, BUS MAN!
On a bus from St Andrews to Glasgow on a dreary Sunday night I met a really odd chap. I'd managed to have the seat to myself all the way to Dunfermline but then more people got on and a gangly old man (over 60 easy) in a thick jacket, tea cosy style hat and a visably runny nose sat next to me. He was really polite "can I sit here? You're sure you don't mind" etc. and I carried on reading a book for class the next week. As the bus left Dunfermline he asked what I was reading. I showed him, he asked about my course, university and Glasgow. All perfectly plesant until he started telling me about his own university experience.

Every club he'd joined had been soured by "jumped up little pricks" who forced him to move on to a different club, even now he said the Dunfermline model railway club had turned on him which was why he'd moved to Cumbernauld. This went on for some time. Then he asked if I wanted to hear one of his short stories. I asked if I could just read it to myself but no, they had to be read out loud. The bus was still packed at this point and despite slight protests from me he went ahead and started reading. I seem to remember the story being about a train and a wind up watch. What I remember most clearly though is reading from the word processed pages as he read aloud and seeing him skip over certain paragraphs.

"Hang on", I said. "You're missing out big chunks of the story". He looked at me straight in the eye.
"You're another one aren't you".
"A what" I said, almost hoping he was going to say 'lizard person'.
"A jumped up little prick. Trying to keep me down."

Then he went back to reading aloud. All the way to Cumbernauld.
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 15:26, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

snot in my mouth
I used to see my ex only at weekends and sometimes not for a fortnight at a time (distances involved) so when we saw each other we used to go at it regardless of the conditions (you know what I mean...).

Anyway, I go to see her and she's recovering from a bad cold. We're in her house, up to her room and get down to it. about three quarters of the way through, she's on top, she presses her face to mine and leaves it there as we bang away. i start to feel a wetness on my face, ignore it as sweat. it runs into my mouth, it's definitely not sweat. I realised that her nose was running and because of where her head was it was going right in my mouth. I couldn't get her to move because she kept kissing me and more snot kept running in.

I managed to batter through and finish (it'd been two weeks!) but felt slightly sick.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 15:16, More)

» Tightwads

Effing students (funkyseaweed reminded me of this)
In 2nd year at uni I moved into a massive flat with a bunch of other folk from halls. One of our flatmates was notoriously tight and a bit of a moaner so everyone would know she was short of cash.

With more space comes more stuff and various parents arrived over the first weekend we were there. I'll never forget the stunned silence in our living room when her Dad commented that having one light bulb in a fitting that accommodated three was "a bit Jewish". Or the time she was caught leaving the library with an industrial sized loo roll wedged into her bag and forced to leave it at the front desk.

The worst thing she did in terms of tightness takes the cake. The flat was large and a bit run down. The shower only worked sometimes (and involved a complex system of turning on taps before hot water would come out) and the place was a nightmare to heat. Our landlord was massively unreliable but as a first flat it was pretty nice and a good size for the kind of parties you want to have aged 19. The moaning flatmate moaned a lot about all the tiny problems while the rest of us just got on with it. Eventually, without telling anyone, she decided to stop paying rent until the problems were fixed. I say anyone - she told our landlord just not any of the folk she lived with. He was still coining in rent from 5 other tenants and in as much rush as he'd been before to fix the problems.

It still makes me fucking angry that she lived there rent free for about five months AND moaned like fuck about being skint. The rest of us managed to shell out for rent, booze, food and managed not to be boring fucking cunts.
(Fri 24th Oct 2008, 15:07, More)

» Gyms

Locker room chat
The chat between guys in the changing rooms of my gym is pretty good. The first and most memorable conversation I overheard was between two guys with necks bigger than my thighs:

#1: That was a good work out - I loved the run, that was my favourite bit.
#2: Aye, it's a good life we've got going these days.
#1 Tell me about it. I was a bit worried about you moving in, I though it might be a bit much. Lots of "Calum, lets eat some protein and work out. Calum do you want some protein? Fancy working out? More protein? Let's go and get some girls".
#2: You mean laydeeeeeez
#1: Aye, "Calum, let's eat protein, work out and get some laydeeeeeez"

I was creasing but couldn't laugh in case they introduced my face to the floor.

Then there were the three guys, at least one new father and one more experienced, talking about the pros and cons of bottle milk vs "titty" milk. Not just "titty milk" but "TIT-ah milk". Apparently the vitamins "and that" in breast milk are better for the baby.
(Wed 15th Jul 2009, 12:11, More)
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