b3ta.com user jessekillerkay
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» Babysitters

catching drips
i used to babysit a young neighbor boy. before i sent him to bed and then scared myself shitless while watching twin peaks, i was to make sure he had a bath and a flintstones vitamins. i would sit on the closed toilet while he bathed and then make him brush his teeth after which he popped his pill. sounds pretty boring unless you're gary glitter... but bathtime was gametime.
he caught the drips.
this tiny 4 or 5 year old would arrange himself in the tub so that he could position his little dingaling under the faucet and pull up what little foreskin he had left after circumcision and see how many drips of water he could catch. i don't think i ever kept a record, nor do i think he did. i don't even want to estimate what that record could have potentially been.... but it does make for weird mental pictures when i hang out and drink beers with him 20 years later wondering if he remembers sharing this wonderful game with me. i still have yet to be drunk enough with him to bring it up.
(Sat 30th Oct 2010, 4:03, More)

» Will you go out with me?

short but sweet and honestly not me (i'd be proud if it were)
a former coworker told the story of how she and her husband first knew they were for each other. he asked her out and told her to meet her in front of a pretty fancy spot in soho. she was shocked because no one had ever taken her anywhere so fancy before. she proceeded to get gussied up excitedly. the night came, she wandered on down to the spot and found him standing there smiling with two brown bags. handed her one and then they both had a couple roadies to drink as they went a few blocks around and hung out in a dive bar for the night.... that is true love to me.
(Sat 30th Aug 2008, 2:31, More)

» Public Transport Trauma

Not so much trauma for me... maybe for the Chinese Man
Old Homeless Man with the very dirty hands to a very Chinese man sitting closely beside him on the subway in the priority seat for two (approaching 2nd avenue):

"Whenever I get to 2nd avenue on this train i think of that Barbara Streisand tune '2nd Avenue'... you know that tune?"

Chinese man gets right up and walks across the car and speaks in Chinese to someone else.

The train passes 2nd avenue and arrives at Broadway-Lafayette.

Old Homeless Man to me: "Excuse me sir, which stop is this?"
"thank you... you know, whenever i pass 2nd avenue i think of that Barbara Striesand song '2nd Avenue'... you know that song right?"
"No sorry, i actually don't."
"Really?? wow it's a classic [sings a choice few lines] ...it's just one of those great cuts. A real great track...
...so 2 more stops, then i get off at 14th street. Then know what i do? Run right across the street to the liquor store and right back into the subway and get drunk. Right to the liquor store and believe it or not i actually have the money. I actually have the money. Right to the liquor store. What else am i supposed to do?"

As I turn to get off the train he says:
"Stay strong!" [to himself somewhat] "....one more stop and it's 14th street!"
(Sat 31st May 2008, 2:10, More)

» Guilty Laughs

the holocaust
one of the top places one probably should not be laughing hysterically is a Holocaust museum. it was not my fault. no one should have let children create tiles interpreting the holocaust and adolf hitler, and then plaster a hundred foot wall with them. if you want a good laugh (and good practice at stifling uncontrollable laughter) visit the basement level of the US Holocaust Museum.
(Sat 24th Jul 2010, 3:25, More)