b3ta.com user Boor
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» Advice from Old People

don't die when not necessary
"When climbing in a tree, stop unpromptedly when you reach the top."
"When walking into a body of water, autonomously start swimming motion, when necessary."
This is to be read in the handbook for recruits of the german army, which supposedly some old geezer wrote. Still definitely some useful advice i'd say.
(Sun 22nd Jun 2008, 21:35, More)

» Advice from Old People

Be quiet and learn
My Grandfather once told me: "Learn from the mistakes of others, because you won't get old enough to make all the mistakes yourself." He was 94 by then. I now choose my friends by the fact from who i can learn the most...
At another occasion he told me young folks didn't have usefull things to say, so i had better listen instead of speaking until i was 21. To be honest, i still don't have much usefull things to say, even though i surpassed this age already.
(Fri 20th Jun 2008, 21:19, More)

» Desperate Times

what happens after you desperately try not to wet yourself
'twas, I recall, in my schooldays a much cherished tradition to meet after the last day of school before summer on a remote field, to conserve all the impressions and lectures of the year in alcohol. This “Schoolendparty” was organized by those who had just graduated, and so there were no watchdogs or adults whatsoever, which caused even the otherwise good natured and abstinent folks to get drunk, and make love to each other or get irritatingly aggressive over something minor.
My friend Chris however was drunk basically all year long, so he took it upon himself to break the world record in beer drinking that evening, even though he didn’t really know how much beer he had to devour for this. He was joined by my other friend Roland.
Both soon discovered that the actual limitation to drinking cheap brewery dishwater is not so much the alcohol than it is the capacity of ones bladder. So every couple of minutes both competitors were headed for the bushes to relieve themselves.
It was, I think, after the sixteenth beer, that Chris returned from the loo in a slightly odd fashion. Instead of sitting down with us, he asked us to pass him the next beer, while a foul smell was spreading around. Considering our state, it may be surprising that it wasn’t too long until we noticed the brown brew that was running from under his pants. While relieving himself he must have lost control over his sphincter, which he however did not want to admit, even after we had confronted him with the obvious indications.
It was then, that we noticed, the last bus home for the night was gone. So we made the best of the situation, and indulged in general stupidity, which might be told some other time. Anyway, after one night of drinking, spastic dance moves, vandalizing in the nearby town and mysteriously not being arrested by a passing police officer we wanted to get on the bus and go home. The bus driver however wouldn’t let us in, as he had just cleaned all the seats, he told us. Even though I in the meantime had regained my pants that I had lost at some point during the night, I could understand where he was coming from, so we had to take an eight mile walk home, which isn’t so bad, as long as you haven’t shat yourself several hours ago, and the poo has already started to build up a solid crust around your sphincter. So Chris tried to just spread his legs, and edge forward one side of his entire body at a time, as to minimize the resulting friction in the pelvic area.
Christ still didn’t want to admit anything, so my still very drunk comment, if everything was alright with his arse wasn’t taken in very good humour. Hours later we arrived in the small village we were living in, where his mother already awaited us. Reproachfully she reminded Chris he had to go to Tennis training. He tried to tell her he wasn’t well and everything, but she just said “Oh come on, Chrissi. Next week’s the championships. You want to be prepared for that, don’t you.”
I will never forget the look of sheer desperation and then resignation as he plummeted on the car seat to find not everything in his pants had dried up as much as the part around his sphincter…
(Sat 17th Nov 2007, 11:28, More)

» Pointless Experiments

there are several
- How close do you have to stand to the electric fence so a steady current can flow through the stream of pee you are spawning?

- How large can a single fungus grow in the restricted ecosystem of my fridge?

- Can you catch spiders and train them to do tricks? (I couldn't. Maybe you can.)

- Can you clip your toenails by holding them to the spinning front wheel of your bicycle? (not so very intended I admit.)

- Can I say this to a woman without being smacked in the face for it?

- And last but not least, what does this thingy here do?
(Thu 24th Jul 2008, 12:29, More)

» Faking it

I am lying
I never considered myself to be of the honest persuasion, and was quite open about this. I laugh at all those internet profiles claiming lying was the worst to those people, because i don't think most of them could handle being confronted with the truth non stop.
So this new qotw, i thought, finally gives me something to post. Since we were on page 3 i was wrecking my brains for stories when i had faked something, and came to the surprising conclusion, that aside from an occasional stomach flu i haven't faked anything really in my entire life.
And this is when it hit me. I did fake something. All my life, i have faked myself into believing i was a faker.
(Sat 12th Jul 2008, 15:21, More)
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