b3ta.com user westhead
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» Insults

bus barney
i heard some kids arguing on the bus once, and one of them said, "your ma's a slag and she shops at netto!"

the other lad, deeply offended, replied "she doesn't shop at netto!"
(Thu 4th Oct 2007, 13:08, More)

» Shoplifting

porn theft confusion
I tried to nick a porn mag from the Esso garage once, I was so busy craning my neck to see if the cashier was looking that I made a fundamental error.

After making a swift exit and finding a quiet spot to examine my haul, I realised I'd actually nicked a copy of 'Attitude' - a gentleman's magazine for other gentlemen.
(Mon 14th Jan 2008, 15:05, More)

» Accidental innuendo

from my mothers lips
My mum was telling all us kids about how policemen were respected and feared by the youth of her day...

"When I was a kid a policeman fingered me and I shit myself!"

one time i was with a female work colleague looking through photos of a recvent event...

her: "that guy looks like a beaver!"

me: "(noticing he was bald) ha! yes, a shaved beaver."

cue sniggering from the work placement lad.


another occasion with a female work colleague...

her: "massages are great, they're really relaxing"

me: "ooh i dont know if i'd like it - i'd be stiff as a board for a start"


on a first date, demonstrating my fatherhood potential...

"i've got three nephews, they're a good laugh, i like playing with little boys"
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 17:13, More)

» I witnessed a crime

I saw someone light a ciggy in the GMEX, which is an enclosed space, last month when I went to see The Verve.
(Fri 15th Feb 2008, 15:59, More)

» Pathological Liars

my mate...
my mate chris was a bad liar, he claimed:

1. he had a full size wwf wrestling ring in his garage
2. he could use his ZX spectrum to make swearwords come up on his neighbours tellys
3. he was an expert martial artists - but he couldn't share his moves because he was a 'master'
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 16:35, More)
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