» Prejudice

A bit too obsessed
I do the weekly family shop, and will often take my two very young children with me. Having a brother in law who is a farmer, I am very conscious of buying British (even local where I can find it), especially vegetables. So I will double the time it takes for me to get round Morrisons, by obsessively reading the labels to see where my food has been grown, manufactured or flown in from.
This has led to a particular kind of racism, but one which I try to defend to my less enlightened friends and family. I even have a mental list that puts provenance in wishlist order, and goes something like this...

Local - anything grown/made in Yorkshire or Lincolnshire (where my brother in law has his farm). Yorkshire Crisps being a favourite snack.

England - So if I can't get my Yorkshire Crisps I will go for Tyrells, as they are made in Herefordshire, home of some excellent Cider as well.

UK - Our family will have holdays in the UK, because I do not want tovspend my hard earned cash in a country which is basically an economic competitor. If I have to go abroad for work, I spend as little as possible, and try to get the hosts to fork out on expenses.

Europe - If I have to buy goods from outside the UK, then I try to avoid the following countries.

France - Older people will remember the French screwing us when it comes to Apples, Lamb and Beef (even though we produce some of the best Beef in the world, so much so that French restauranteers not able to buy our beef, were up in arms during the Foot and Mouth crisis).

Germany - 60 years later I still cannot forgive them for their expansionist policies. You wait, it will happen again, its in their nature. I won't buy a German car, even if its 2nd hand.

Japan - See above. The trouble is they are so very clever with electronics, although the Koreans are catching up. They have never apologised for the atrocities they committed during WW2, if you need extra convincing, read 'The Rape of Nanking'. Also hunt whales.

Isreal - I cannot support their 'Foreign Policy'. They seem to supply a lot of celery to Morrisons, none of which makes its way into my basket.

Iceland - Whale hunters, enough said. During the North Sea fish wars there was a very unsavoury Captain Kirk (yes, really, look it up) who rammed British fishing vessels.

Australia - I don't like their arrogance, and proficiency at sports.

Turkey - Seem to have more violent football hooligans than us.

I can provide a more detailed list with product breakdowns if anyone is interested, maybe I should write one of those ethical guides. I like to think that my children will grow up to be well educated, tolerant citizens. However, with a father like me, I doubt it.
(Mon 5th Apr 2010, 10:23, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

Frozen Food Company
Once I was working during the summer as a Cold Store warehouse person. I was very badly trained and so was my co-worker (we were there replacing one fully experienced warehouseman, that used to run the place by himself), to the point where we were worse than useless. Add to this the fact that our environment was in minus 25 degrees C, and you can imagine imcompetence to an unparalelled degree.

First off we used to squash each other against the wall with forklift trucks loaded with pallets of frozen chips. The only thing stopping us from crushing ourselves to death is that the wheels spun on the slippery floor.
We also used to pour coffee and tea into the salmon, which would then freeze. Imagine a top chef getting one of these.

I would take great pleasure in putting boot prints in the catering size desserts, and repacking them. Whereas my buddy would fill the staff boxes (which should have been a lucky dip of cosmetically spoiled food they could buy for a fiver) with bits of rubbish he found lying around the carpark.

We were so bad at unloading lorries that the drivers would complain about us to the management. It used to take an hour, with us it was more like three, and because we were only allowed in the cold store for an hour at a time, it would totally drive them mad when we went out to 'warm up'. We didn't care, who else were they going to get to do such a shitty job.

I was eventually sacked for being caught kicking bags of peas so hard that they would explode everywhere, and make the nightstaff slip over. My mate, I later learned, was sacked just after me, for seeing how quickly a coffee cup full of his piss would freeze in front of the 'blowers'. For those technically minded amongst you, if I remember correctly, there was a windchill of minus 40, and it froze in one and a half minutes.
(Fri 10th Aug 2007, 16:51, More)

» Public Sex

Matlock Bath
My wife was vigorously masturbating me at the bottom of the cliffs just outside Matlock Bath one sunny bank holiday. Don't ask why, it just took my mood at teh time.

So, I apologise to all the old dears on the bus who waved back nervously as I waved to them during the vinegar strokes.
(Mon 27th Apr 2009, 15:57, More)

» Prejudice

Oxfam Fun
I was in an Oxfams in a relatively middle class area of Sheffield with my bosses wife. We were looking at the kids books, and she pulled out one by Oscar Wilde.
"Why don't you get this one?" She asked
"I would never let my children read a book written by a convicted homosexual" was my reply.
The shop went very quiet, and the bosses wife walked out.
(Tue 6th Apr 2010, 13:05, More)

» Unusual talents

Tongue Hooting
I can hoot through my tongue. I roll it up and blow in such a way as to make a hooting noise. I can even make various 'notes', and hoot along to some well known tunes.
I have only met two other people who can do this. My daughter has now managed teh skill, albeit in a very rudimentary form. I would like to go on Britain's Got Talent, but I don't think they would appreciate it.
(Mon 22nd Nov 2010, 16:59, More)