» I Quit!

Once upon a time, in a far, faraway galaxy...
...some yellow writing about some kind of story glided through space at slow space, followed by a movie.

Anyway, 'bout a year and a half ago, I used to work for a large international BlueChip IT company, based in Peterlee (and other places around the country). I was working on an account for a large government department that used to be ran by David Blunkett. Anywho, the team I was on was a new project team, experimenting with doing first-time fixes, and trying to resolve issues before technical leads were consulted.

While working on this team, it was safe to say that most of the issue we received were very simple fixes that would take a matter of minutes to apply, and needless to say, became very monotonous very quickly.

After a few weeks of constantly doing the same fixes time and time again, I decided there must be an easier way to get these fixes done... maybes with a simple button press rather than say delving into someones Windows registry, or making amendments to their Active Directory profile, etc. I set about writing a small tool in Visual Basic that would take a computer name or user id, and make the propriate changes within a couple of seconds. After a couple of days work, and a few guinea pig sites, I decided I would share the tool with the rest of the team, and our team leader. Everyone was delighted with the toolkit that saved loads of time, and work, and it allowed us to focus on much harder work with the extra time we had.

After a couple of weeks of use, I was approached by one of the Operations Managers for said account, and my work had been brought to his attention by my team leader. They were very excited, and wanted me to write a similar, simpler toolkit for the Service Desk to use so all the first line agents could do the same fixes while on the phone to members of the government account. With the promise of a good bonus and recognition for my work, I eagerly started working on said tool.

Within a couple of weeks, I had the perfect tool for the Service Desk, with simplicity enough for anyone to use. Brilliant! ...yes, you would think that. But, that's when I realised just how much the management in that company were a bunch of cock-suckers!

A couple of months passed, and the tool worked great! First-time fix rates dramatically improved, customer satisfaction was high, problems were getting solved, all honky-dory! Then it suddenly dawned on me... all this was happening because of this little tool I had produced. Then I realised I hadn't had so much as a "Thanks", nevermind a good bonus I had been promised months before.

Over the space of a couple of months, things changed! Rapidly, and not necessarily for the good. The company had changes to be made... one of which was to move the account to SilverLink in Newcastle. I volunteered to be one of the first to move as I was starting to feel settled with the pressure the company was putting on me with them giving nothing back. The move was a complete failure. Two days in to the move, the government told us we couldn't use the computers anymore for security reasons. After 5 weeks without any access to the network, the company decided to ship us back to Peterlee. After 2 months of doing nothing, we were pushed from pillar to post with more and more jobs being pushed upon us.

After a brief holiday, I came to work to find nothing had changed and things were getting worse. From that point, I kept getting dragged in the office by both Operations Managers for bollickings over things I hadn't done. They basically bullied me. They tried bollicking me for being unhappy with the company. They bollicked me for doing my job correctly. They even bollicked me for helping them out with making that tool.

Enough was enough, I had to get out. I applied for numerous jobs... some many, I lost count. But, within a week, I had an interview with my current employers, and the following day, I was offered the job. I accepted with gusto (and I love this job too :-D).

At the point, I had so much pleasure handing in my resignation that I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I placed on the desk of the Operations Managers desk.

But, it didn't end there. I'm sure they just wanted to kick me in the ribs as much as possible before I left. Two weeks before leaving, they dragged me in the office, and told me that they'd take legal action on me if I tried to take my code for the toolkit (which I had no intent of doing). They also told me they'd take legal action if I tried to sabotage it (again, I had no intent). I basically laughed it off, and left on my last day without much problems.

I the decemeber of that year, I met up with a couple of old colleagues. They told me that the company had made some changes to the network one night a few days after I left, and caused chaos with the system, also making the lose the functionality of the toolkit I created. Not only that, the Operations Managers also tried to get people to give them my phone number... to which everyone told them to fuck off.

And that... really did show them!


Length? 'bout 720x420 pixels.
(Thu 22nd May 2008, 14:47, More)

» Stalked

This guy I worked with once...
...well, I say once... he was only just made redundant about a month ago (unfortunately). The guy in question, I will call him L, for that is his first initial. L was a great laugh, always brought a smile to your face... and the biggest pervert known to man. Seriously, if you could think of something really perverted and offputting... he'd go further!

Anyway, at the time of this story, we knew he was hugely perverted, and somewhat of a sexual deviant... but always thought it was bravado, playing up to it and everything.

Monday morning rolls round, and a new week begins as per normal. Everyone is in the office, except for L who'd rang in sick that morning. Thinking it was a bit weird, he hadn't been ill on the Friday, life went on.

Tuesday afternoon comes, and the boss asks everyone for 5 minutes to have a talk about something. We all wondered what it could be... had we being doing some wrong? What could it be?

She starts off with saying "I need to inform you lot about L and what has been happening with him recently." We all sat in wonder, thinking what's happened... as something happened to him, his family, is he ill. What the hell is going on?

"L hasn't been in work for the past few days, he is worried about his family as him, his wife, and his sons are being stalker of a frequent basis." said the boss.

A moment of silence passed over the office...

...then the biggest cry of laughter ever!

No one could contain themselves... not even the boss. We couldn't actually believe what we had just heard. Sheer genius if this was a joke.

But on the serious side, we were told "If you see a middle-aged grey haired man hanging around in a silver Mercedes, report it to the police straight away." So, we kept a serious look out for this guy all week, but never once seen him.

Following week, L returns back to work, and instantly, he's interigated about the whole "stalking" situation. He started by saying "well, the guy stalking me was the chairman of a club that me and missus are members of..." With this, we thought the guy stalking him was just a nutter.

Later that day, he emails the office with a link to the clubs website. The email just simply said Club TANDO. We all clicked the link thinking nothing of it... until we realised that TANDO stood for the Tynedale and Newcastle District Outdoor club! And on the page was pictures of naked people playing a game of five-a-side.

Again... the office erupted in to a loud wave of laughter...

...and once the tears cleared, it all became apparent that L and his missus were members of a nudists club, with the chairman nudist stalking them.

But, this isn't the whole of it... about 5 minutes later... L confessed the true reason why this nutter was stalking them. Turns out, L and his missus, were also part of a swingers group, and this guy had obviously been with L's missus at some point... and wanted more.

Again... another loud eruption of laughter...

...we could believe what we were hearing. This was just completely crazy. But, in the end, it all turned out to be true.

After about a month, the nutter stopped stalking L's family... but the memories of finding out just how perverted, and nuts, L was is just priceless.



Never apologies for length, bigger is better.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 12:37, More)

» Accidental innuendo

Maybes slightly off topic
...but when I was about 6 or 7 years old, for christmas I got a Lego Technics race car to build, and if any of you remember those days of proper Technics, you'll know the amount of detail everything was built too.

Anywho, while assembling part of the engine with the help of my dad, and his mate at the time, there was a part of the engine I didn't quite know what it was or what it did.

"Dad, what's this part?", I say.

"That is a piston. Do you know what a piston does?", my dad asks.

Being young, and not having a clue, I deliberate for a moment or two before responding...

"Does it piss?"

To this response, my dad bursts out laughing in fits of laughter, practically hitting the floor with tears streaming down his face to such response. As for my dads mate, my dad tells me he's never seen anyone turn that shade of grey before.

It's about the only cock-up from my childhood that I find funny myself.
(Thu 12th Jun 2008, 14:01, More)

» Pet Peeves

Aaarrrggghhh! Bastards!
I've been reading all these rants today, and I think it's about time I unloaded on to you, my fellow b3tans.


Work:

When I call a someone to help them out, why the hell must they answer the phone by announcing whichever place I am calling, then asking me if it's alright for me to hold! No, IT'S FUCKING NOT!!!! WHY THE FUCK ANSWER THE PHONE IF YOUR NOT WILLING TO SPEAK TO ME RIGHT AWAY! Why not let the bastard answer machine take a message? Why not get someone else to answer the phone?

Also, on the subject of calling people who want help... speaking to receptionists that are complete lazy retards. That really fucks me off. How the hell did you get a job if you can't even take a message... are you that incompetent that you don't know how to use a pen and paper to scribble down a name and number... go fuck ya'sels!

Different subject... a fellow colleague infact. A right brown-nosing fucker who will go by the name of Stain, as his name is very similar to it. He can fuck right off! Everytime he calls someone, he finds the need to do it on the loudspeaker... as if to prove he's doing something useful. You might not think this is that bad, but when he calls somewhere, and gets put on hold, with some shitty plinky-plink tune playing over and over again for a full 10 minutes... there's not a single person in the room who doesn't want to grab his phone of his desk, and shove it up his bloody arse! Fuck off and get a life you utter utter twat!


Driving:

BMW driver's. Need I say more?

Also, people who are either arsehole's/trying to show off to their mates/impatient fuckers. Why the hell do you feel the need to blast up a 30mph road doing 50-60, then rant and rave about me doing the speed limit. If I see you doing this... I WILL go in to "right-fucker" mode, and will slow to 25mph, and I make sure it's when you can't overtake me. Just blantantly find a big rock, fuck off and die behind it.

A real pet-peeve of mine is really specific to me. The lass works at the metrocentre, and it's my job to pick her up, and drop her off. But, heading on the A1 (Northbound), there is a slip road to take you there, which splits in to two lanes; one going straight ahead and left, the other going right. WHY OH FUCKING WHY do people find the need to move to the right lane, only to want to be back in left lane moments later when they want to turn left. WHY? The bloody road is signposted! ARE YOU RETARDED??!! Your not getting there any faster being in the right lane, your just narking good drivers by being a retard. Go run ya'sel over with your stupid bloody BMW or Audi, you sad fuckers!


Pet-peeves:

I agree with the earlier post about toilet roll. WHO THE HELL PUTS TOILET ROLL ON THE HOLDER BACK-TO-FRONT??!!! Just WHY? It's bloody annoying! Infact, it's making me mad now! Grrrrr!

When I'm at home, and there's something boring on TV, and I fall asleep out of boredom. DO NOT WAKE ME UP! If I've fell asleep, it means I need sleep... so let me get some.

ITV Dramas... they all suck! They do mediocre at the hard-sell... but they always suck ass! I've mention earlier on the board about Flood... utter bollocks! There was that one called "He Kills Coppers" or summit. That one pissed me off so much with the advertising... it was on at least twice every ad break. Why? It was utter shit. ITV... you can't write dramas... piss off!


Life:

Charva's - piss off and die, you scum.

Dole-wallers - get off your lazy arses, and get a job!



Right, I think that covers it (for now)!

Sorry about the length, but the lass doesn't tend to complain.
(Tue 6th May 2008, 16:13, More)

» Mix Tapes

Yes
Just remembered a good one... how can I forget.

In the days before car stereos were MP3 capable, and good chunks of your music collection could be chucked on to a tiny SD card... the only way of listening to what you wanted to in the car was to burn a CD full of tracks you liked. This was definitely the kind of regime I would care out every 1-2 months... depending on how long it took me to get sick of certain songs, and chuck said CD out of the car window at 70mph.

Anyway, I digress...

One evening, me and a mate were in the car, and thought we'd go pester some charva's with various rock music and amusing ditty's of the annoying variety... which is all well an good when your young and stupid.

Following day comes, and I have my first date with my now-girlfriend. I pick her up from her's, but didn't even notice the music that was playing on the stereo as it was low volumed.

Anyways, driving off to where we are going for our meal, and she asks "do you mind if I have a skip through the CD", to which I, not taking much notice, says "Aye, gan on."

So, she turns up the stereo to which I remark "I don't think you'll find anything you'll like though". After she skips a couple of tracks, I hear quite loudly around me the words "I WISH I WAS A GIRL..."

At this point, I mutter the immortal words "Oh... fuck". That's right, she stumbled upon the song I Wish I Was A Girl by Violent Delight.

But, it doesn't stop there... with such lyrics as:

"I don't care about the blood, I don't care about the pain
Cos being a girl's the only thing that's on my brain"

and, of course, the chorus...

"Some people think I might be gay
But I don't swing the other way
I just wanna be a girl so damn much
To fell my clit as it gets....."

Through the entire of the song, just continued driving, feeling myself getting redder, and redder until getting to place we needed to be.

Thankfully, I managed to get to the restaurant before the screaming part of "Why wasn't I a girl".

Never felt so embarassed about something in my life before. But after a quiet 5 minutes, we had a good laugh about it, and we're still together now.


Length? About 2minutes 40seconds of pure embarassment.
(Thu 7th Feb 2008, 15:27, More)