» Tales of the Unexplained

Not supernatural, but very much on topic...
My mum told me about something that happened to a mate of hers on his way home from a drinking session.
The man in question was about 6ft tall but incredibly lanky, with platinum blonde hair and pale skin and of the Gothic/Punk persuasion. He probably looked quite menacing to some people but he was the absolute definition of the 'gentle giant'.
So anyway, he's on his way home when he spots a large group of pissed-up young chavs and chavettes coming down the street towards him. Our protagonist starts shitting bricks at this point thinking he's going to get the crap beat out of him. Just as all hope seems lost he hops over the nearest wall which puts him bang in the middle of a graveyard. He decides to hide here behind the graves 'til the group has passed. Only they don't. They stop and hang out at the wall he's just hopped over. So he's sitting there, mulling over his options when he decides to have a peak and see if he can get around. He pops his head over the grave only to see one of the chavettes looking right at him.

Lets take a moment to review the situation. Pale, skinny man in a graveyard peering out from behind a gravestone.

The chavette starts screaming in primal fear at the rest of the group to turn around to see the ghost but he's already ducked back down. "Fuck" he thinks and decides to just wait it out.
After a while the sounds of the pissed-up group have long passed and he decides it's time to leave. Up he gets, only the group hasn't left and the SAME GIRL is once again staring right at him and once again screams at the top of her lungs. Luckily the group got freaked out enough to leave and our pale hero made it home safely, if not at least shaken up...

Not so much experiencing the unexplained as becoming the unexplained.
(Thu 3rd Jul 2008, 20:25, More)

» Pet Peeves

Any knuckle-dragging, brain dead BNP supporter.
The fact that the BNP can even exist in this day and age is making me lose hope in the human race.

I had to listen to some idiot rant about how the BNP couldn't possibly be racist because "if you go on their website there are testimonies (they didn't use that word by the way) from doctors". As if being a doctor magically makes you a shining beacon of humanity.

Harold Shipman was a doctor. Joseph Mengele was a doctor. What does that fucking tell you.


I'll also throw in anyone who rants about "PC lefty's" and uses "Liberal" as an insult. Yes I have an open mind, and I'm fucking proud of it.

The only thing I cannot even attempt to tolerate is Fascism. The BNP's hopes and ideals do not seem (at least to me) far away from the Nazi ideals of ethnic cleansing.
(Sun 4th May 2008, 21:53, More)

» Pathological Liars

This could take a while...
My ex girlfriend was a sociopath (still is for that matter...). Frankly I don't care whether she's reading this or not so I'll go ahead and say her name is Sarah Gaffey, avoid her like the plague.
The first few days of our relationship were lovely, I was happy to have found someone who really seemed to like me. Then it all went downhill. It started with her claims that she was a 'Gypsy Princess', that should have been a warning signal but I'm just too damn open-minded... Then she started claiming to have magical powers and apparently she was locked in a war with her ex boyfriend Craig who was a Warlock... And yet I still didn't end it :/ He tried to kill her with scissors and when that didn't work he killed her Luthier Grandfather who was in the process of building me a custom guitar. At least that's what she says. I'd eventually had enough of the bullshit and our relationship was not only taking it's toll on me, but all the friendships I had going at the time. I let her down gently but still made it clear I wanted nothing more to do with her. Which is why I was surprised when she showed up at my doorstep the next day. She had it in her head that I still wanted to be friends, she didn't even get the oh-so-subtle signals such as never saying a word to her and avoiding all eye-contact... Eventually she made too many enemies at our school and had to leave (yay!), thus balance was restored. Or was it? (no, no it was not).
Months after she had gone I found out about some rumours involving me and her. I had apparently raped her and made two attempts against her life, which is why she ended it with me... It went absolutely bat shit when I heard this but luckily the only people who knew this crap were people who really knew me.

It doesn't even end there...
Now I'm in college and I keep seeing her around town, one thing that bugged me was that her friends would always give me scathing, hate-filled looks. I found out why about a month ago when I met and befriended someone who went to school with her after me. She's been going around telling everyone that I got her pregnant (keep in mind we never got past kissing...) and I regularly abused her. Now a quarter of Nottingham's teenage population think I'm a psycho rapist, all becuase of one girls inabilty to make friends normally.
She's left me with some emotional issues and I find it very hard to approach girls or to trust anyone. Everyone know's I'm a nice guy but whenever I see her I'm filled with rage, to think that one person could be so selfish as to try and ruin another persons life.

So yeah, thanks to someone else's compulsive lying I'm a psychopath...

I could go on about how she tried to convince everyone that her Dad is in Type-O-Negative and regularly sends her large bundles of money, even though I really know that her mum (who is lovely by the way) is a single-parent and her dad left her family behind just like mine did, but I've gone on long enough.

Apologies for lack of humour, I just don't find it very funny :/
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 19:54, More)

» Terrible Parenting

My Dad almost killed me....twice...
The first incident happened literally after I was born. I was taken home from the hospital and my Mum put me down on her bed while she attended to something on the other side of the room. When she turned around she saw my Dad sitting on the bed. The bed I was placed on. Thats right, my dad fucking sat on me! To make it worse, I was born premature which meant my skin was orange. An orange baby on dark bedsheets and the fucker didn't even notice I was there. Obviously my Mum wasn't exactly happy about it and she says her words were along the lines of, "You fucking wanker! You're fucking sitting on the fucking baby!!", He didn't beleive her and just sat there wide-mouthed. I can forgive her hysterical swearing seeing as I could've been suffocated. Luckily the mattress was very soft and I had been pushed down into it, protecting me from my fathers arse.
The next act of stupidity came when crossing the road, he tried to stop the traffic by edging my pushchair (with me in it) into the road. Twat.
And then there's the time he left me in the middle of the street (again, in my pushchair) to go have a fight with someone.
My parents seperated shortly afterwards. It's not hard to see why.

More recently he made up for an entire childhood worth of welfare payments by giving me the comics he spent the money on. As much as I love 2000 AD and Rogue Trooper, I would have prefered the fucking money!

He also has a history of making promises he can't keep. About 3 years ago he dissapeared completely. A year later he FINALLY got in contact with his Mum (my Gran, who is lovely by the way) to tell her he's in Thailand. He didn't even contact me for my birthdays during that time.
The last time he contacted me was around my 17th birthday (May) promising me a load of Darkthrone shirts and money to pay for a spanking new guitar and amp. Well it's now August and still no sign of shirts and I'm still playing a Strat...

Sometimes I get angry at myself for believing his shit but then I remember, he's the asshole who almost killed me. I'm not the one with the frickin' problem :D
(Sun 19th Aug 2007, 20:27, More)

» Terrible food

Well food has never really made me sick, but...
My mother came damn close. She made some abiguous brown stew that smelt and tasted as bad as it looked. It didn't help that this slop reminded me vividly of the first time I ever saw a port-a-loo. Let's just say that it put me of puplic toilets FOR LIFE! I finished about half of the stew before it almost came back up again. I didn't feel quite right for a couple of hours.

Once when I had a mild case of food poisoning I had just about got my appetite back. I started slowly by just having noodle soup and a bit of bread. I was fine for a quite a while and was happy to be back on the mend. A few hours later I felt...strange. I leant over the side of the sofa just as a raging stream of creamy, brown vomit came thundering out of my mouth not unlike Linda Blair's puke in the Exorxist. I laugh about it now but at the time it wasn't very pleasent to see my dinner flying 5ft away from my face.

My final story concerns a holiday many years ago. I was staying with my Grandparents on a little speck of an island called Ascension. The island was under American control, therefore all the shops were filled with American items. This meant the food was rather sugary*. My Gran served an apple crumble for desert but it was so full of sugar I couldn't handle more than a few spoonfuls. "Is this American?" I asked,
"No, why?"
"Because it's way too sugary. It tastes terrible".
At this point my Gran's face dropped and I learned that she had in fact made it herself. Instead of just brushing it off as one of those 'kids say the dumbest shit' moments, she hit me with this one-liner, "Might as well throw myself off the pier". Way to go Grandma, make the 7 year old feel bad by threatening suicide. To top it off she's a born-again Christian. She hasn't done anything like that since but I still haven't forgiven her.

I think I'm the only person so far to simultaneously recieve shit food AND a death threat....

* A gross understatement.
(Tue 22nd May 2007, 18:00, More)