b3ta.com user UranusHertz
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» Housemates from hell

May have been me.
Now I'm not a BAD housemate as such, but since starting uni (three and a half years ago, not a failure just on a sandwich course) I've managed to upset flatmates with the following.

- Giving both myself and my then girlfriend food poisoning and proceeding to both throw up in the flats hall. In my defence it was the first time I'd ever cooked chicken, how was I to know?

- Having blazing rows with said former girlfriend early in the morning/late at night. She was madder than a sack of badgers.

- Once in the second year woke up, wandered down to the lounge to find out that on the way home the previous night I'd stolen a generator from some roadworks on the main road.
I wasn't totally to blame however, my occulpice was asleep on the sofa, no idea who they were mind. Took it back the following night.

- Once refused to was a pan as I wasn't the one who used it and it was a right mess. After 2 months my flatmates put it in the garden as it was getting a bit disgusting.
Left it so long that in the end I hid it in the garden shed and left it there when we moved out.
Looking back I'm fairly sure it was me who used it actually.

- Stole a Kill Bill Vol 1 poster from a bus stop (the yellow one with Uma Thurman in catsuit with sword).
Waited for one of the girls to go to the bathroom and taped it over the door frame.
Have never heard anyone scream so loud.

- Learnt to shimmy up the corridor walls just outside the kitchen door and then drop down from the ceiling behind people as they walked out. Scared the crap out of people.

- Never considered there might be two people walking out the kitchen. Not sure if I hurt them or me more.

- Never considered they might be carrying food. Never quite got the stains off the wall. Ended up getting some samplers to just paint over them.

- Superglued Skittles to the ceiling after buying one of the big sweet deals at the cinema and feeling too sick to finished them.
Took lots of paint off trying to get them down and lost some of our deposit.

- Implemented an advanced waste management system.

- Hungover fell down the stairs. Met a flatmate half way and took him with me.

So thats me, not the worst housemate ever and at least its never boring.

Apologies for length, but the bin was bigger.
(Tue 10th Apr 2007, 11:58, More)

» Personal Ads

Not quite a personal ad...
No one is going to believe this is real, I've still got it lying around somewhere though so will try and find it again some time.

Swiped off the for sale/wanted board in Portsmouth Tescos during the second year of uni (about 2 years ago now).

I laughed so hard I almost pee'd.
(Mon 17th Sep 2007, 0:17, More)

» Work Experience

Probably should have got sacked
Not work experience, that was spent working in a primary school where my mum worked and therefore no oppertunity for mischief.

My internship however was a completely different matter.

Working for a large company in department where I travelled quite a lot (which upset all the other interns) managed to get away with:

- Expensing hotel porn channels as 'breakfast'.

- A £100 bar tab between 2 people put down as business lunch, people on the expense report included my boss who signed it off and wasn't even in the same country as me at the time.

- Playing games because I needed to 'test' them.

- Showing up for work having not even gone back to my hotel that night. Fell asleep in a storage cupboard.

- Being asked if I liked group sex by a middle aged Saudi who insisted I should come back to meet his wife (I didn't).

- Telling a co-worker that "I don't care, because I'm quite quite drunk" (in my defense it was at an after-party, and I was).

- Telling the same co-worker that if she bothered me one more time I'd "Strangle the life right out of her".

At one point I actually got put in charge of a work experience kid. He insisted on sitting around singing that song by The Automatics (Whats that coming over the hill? Is it a monster?) so I locked him in the store cupboard.
(Wed 16th May 2007, 0:51, More)

» Terrible food

Dominos Heatwave
Had a buy one get one free voucher for Dominos and after a hard days drinking decided I should order a couple pizzas in - one for the night and stick the second in the fridge for the next day.

Went for my normal, a Texas BBQ Chicken and then for the second a Heatwave Level 2.

Now when I get a curry I tend to go for a Madras or a Vindaloo, I like my food spicy.

Pizzas arrive and I put one randomly in the fridge and so end up going into my (not especially well lit) room to eat the Heatwave.

I managed 2 whole slices before giving up, thinking maybe I might find it more palletable in the morning (because you always do with dodgy takeaway food naturally...)

Next morning, wake up, don't feel good, go to toilet.

Blood in my poo, that doesn't normally happen, somethings not quite right here.

Get showered, go look at the pizza and literally the entire top of the pizza was mustard, not the 'generous drizzle' promised in the menu, the whole thing was coated.

Remember in Alan Partridge where he eats a spoonful of mustard, I can only imagine it tasted like that.

I still tried to clean the mustard off the top of another slice and eat that, but it was a lost cause and so went in the bin. For a student thats a powerful statement!
(Sun 20th May 2007, 0:52, More)

» Gambling

Poker with friends
£5 buy in game at a friends house, I was in pretty good shape, second in the game behind the hosts girlfriend who'd managed to luck into a HUGE win earlier in the game.

I'd hit a flush off the flop and started to push the betting up, on the turn card there was the possibility of a straight but seemed unlikely - they'd have to have the other 2 in their hand. Bet higher.

River card comes up to make it 1 card needed to make the straight, she goes all, I for some reason match. I show my flush and she smiles and goes "Straight!".

I almost let her take the chips and then realised she'd managed 4 consecutive cards and had hit them off the flop. We actually had to find a rule book to prove that a straight was 5 sequential cards, not 4!
(Sat 9th May 2009, 20:32, More)
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