b3ta.com user Binary Solo
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I am a female in my late 20s. That's all you need to know for now. *looks shifty*

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» Family codes and rituals

Drown Daddy Time
My dad had never had swimming lessons, so he learnt to swim at the same time as my brother and me, when we were wee. Every Saturday morning we would all go to the local pool, and at some point during our messing about in the water, one of us kids would yell "It's DROWN DADDY TIME!" Then we would jump on his back and force him underwater. We thought it was hilarious. Years later, my dad informed us that he actually found this quite terrifying, but couldn't say anything for fear of looking like a big wuss in public.

I don't think he's been near a swimming pool for about 20 years now...
(Wed 26th Nov 2008, 17:11, More)

» Spoilt Brats

I went to posh cunt school
on a scholarship. I used to get called "pikey" because on Non-Uniform Day I'd turn up in clothes from New Look instead of Gucci.

One of my favourite moments in those 7 years of hell was the biggest bitch-whore in my year reading the Telegraph before a lesson one day and suddenly spotting her parents' house in the extremely-expensive-property-for-sale section. As soon as lunchtime came she was on the payphone by the lunch queue, everyone listening as she bawled "MUMMEH! WHY IS OUR HOUSE FOR SALE IN THE NEWSPAPAR! WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL MEEE!"

Even better was after we left school though - she and the rest of her Bitch Brigade went to Kavos to celebrate the end of A-levels and appeared on ITV's "Greece Uncovered", running butt naked into the sea and back out for the cameras, showing off their slutty clubbing outfits asking "Do you think I look too tarteh?", shagging random chavs on the beach, and generally behaving like cheap slappers. They even got a two-page spread in the Sunday Sport, who delightedly pondered what their parents must think of how they turned out after they shelled out thousands and thousands of pounds for their education.

Jolly hockey sticks!
(Wed 15th Oct 2008, 14:53, More)

» Eccentrics

Yet more teachers. Sorry
No Chemistry ones for me, sadly - my Chemistry teacher was just an arse. I blame him for me being a geeky computer person instead of a vet. Sniff. I could be looking at a poorly kitteh now instead of a flatscreen monitor. Anyway...

Mr R - Latin. Proper old-skool Life of Brian-style Latin Master. AMBULO, AMBULAS, AMBULAT... etc. Barking orders at people and calling all the boys by their surnames. Spent every break-time striding up and down the quad smoking his pipe. Dead now. RIP.

Mr N - Latin. Completely different from Mr R - a wishy-washy sort. Easily distracted, much to our delight - simply mention a topic of interest and he'd be off rambling about it for the entire 80 minute lesson and we wouldn't have to do any actual work. Latin mottos was always a good one.

Mr P - French. Would write in ransom-note style on the board, mixing up upper and lower case and going off at funny angles. Regularly pretended to play golf with the whiteboard pen. For our weekly 10-question vocab test, there would always be a completely random question 11 like "nuclear power station" or "baby wild boar".

Miss W - English. Always going off on a tangent about something and then exclaiming "Oh, you must all think I'm potty!" We nicknamed her Potty Dotty Big Botty. Once described how she was driving past a field and saw some lambs jumping about and had to pull her car over because she was wetting herself so much watching them. Riiiight. I loved her though, in a slightly teenage-lesbian-crush way, she was ace.

Mr C - English. Screaming homosexual. Once turned up to a lesson with his usually-greying-black hair dyed bright blond, and announced "That's the last time I take something from a strange man on the beach"
(Fri 31st Oct 2008, 14:17, More)

» Tightwads

Timely, so probably bindun, but who else makes absolutely sure on 31st October that they are either a) out or b) hiding upstairs with all the lights turned off? All evening?

I wouldn't mind so much if it was all cute little kiddywinks all dressed up, but when it's gangs of hooded 13-year-olds ambling around the neighbourhood going "trickurtree"... fuck off.

My ex gave some of the latter variety a handful of fags once. They were well pleased.
(Tue 28th Oct 2008, 14:30, More)

» Common

I'm feeling quite common this evening
I moan as much as the next person about Christmas starting earlier every year, but I get pathetically excited about the "party food" that appears in the supermarket frozen food cabinets around this time. Sod parties, I buy it for myself. 3 for £5 on duck spring rolls, prawn wontons and breaded cream cheese stuffed jalapenos. Fucking yes. It's like having a crap takeaway in your freezer.
(Wed 22nd Oct 2008, 20:40, More)
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