b3ta.com user Ramsay Tupper
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can tell undoubted Raphaels for Gerard Dows and Zoffanies

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» Karma

Tortoise trauma
Many years ago a lad in our street (let's call him Iain) had a tortoise (let's call him Tommy).

Now he was quite a big tortoise and quite old so his shell was probably commensurately thick and Iain was always boasting about how strong he, Tommy, was; throwing him in the air, standing on his back, hitting him with half bricks etc. Absolutely shocking behaviour I agree and definitely worthy of a severe spanking. Attend though, dear friends, Iain gets his comeuppance.

One day when up to his usual reptile abuse he stooped to a new low. He'd jump off the top of his coal bunker onto Tommy's back. What he didn't count on though was that Tommy's shell had become a bit slimy - I think possibly from being kept outside all summer long in all kinds of weather (yes, another example of animal cruelty).

Of course when he landed on Tommy he skited off like shit off a stick and rattled his head violently off the corner of concrete coal box.

Emergency services were immediately called to this explosion of karmic retribution. Iain lay unconscious for about twenty minutes. He had factured his skull (to this day the only time I've ever witnessed the legendary "straw coloured fluid" seeping from the ears) and needed about 15 stitches in the resultant wound. If I recall he spent about a fortnight in hospital where amongst other probable indignities he had his head completely shaved. Tommy, you'll be happy to hear, was uninjured.

When it came out what had happened and the many other examples of previous abuse were wheedled out of the witnesses Tommy was confiscated and re-homed with a couple on the other side of the village.

My old mum still stays close by and I understand Tommy is still on the go, happy as Larry and none the worse for his ordeals.
(Wed 27th Feb 2008, 9:50, More)

» Stupid Dares

It's invisible and it hurts
I once dared my mate Phil to shit on an electric fence. Much hilarity ensued amongst the onlookers as the pulse current coursed through his colon. Strangley enough Phil wasn't quite so amused.
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 13:11, More)

» Evil Pranks

Home alone
Back in the 70s my parents wouldn't think twice about leaving us alone of an evening while they nipped down the rub-a-dub-dub for a swifty.

One such night I too was out round at my mates so my 13 year old sister was left in the house herself.

When I returned and realised she was in alone my adolescent sense of humour told me it would be a hilarious prank to shimmy up the drainpipe, gain access via the bathroom window and pad about upstairs while she quaked in her little Womble slippers downstairs.

Needless to say when eventually I slowly descended the stairs doing my best to sound like I was trying to be quiet while in actual fact intentionally trying to be heard, she was virtually apoplectic with terror, reduced to a gibbering wreck awaiting her imminent rape and gory murder.

Genuinely, she has never forgiven me for that and to be honest, looking back on it, I don't really blame her.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 15:10, More)

» Pathological Liars

Motorcycle madness
I've got a small indented scar right in the middle of my forehead just under where my hair starts. When My kids ask me how it happened I tell them I got hit by a bee while riding my motorcycle at 150mph in an open face helmet.

What really happened though was that some kind of burrowing mite from my cat's ears jumped onto me while he was sleeping on my pillow and ate into my forehead.
(Thu 29th Nov 2007, 16:54, More)

» Pet Peeves

I love my wife
but I could cheerfully strangle the last flicker of life out her when she proceeds to help herself to my chips after assuring me (usually more than once) that she doesn't want anything from the chippy.
(Tue 6th May 2008, 13:04, More)
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