b3ta.com user John Elton
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» The worst sex I ever had

Whilst I was loosing my virginity ....
..I realised this was such a momentous occasion that not knowing her name would annoy me for ever. So in mid shag I stopped, asked her what her name was and shook her hand...what a gentleman eh?
Anyway - her name was Laurie and she was frankly not bad.
But I would imagine she thought i was the worst shag ever for that.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 17:35, More)

» I'm glad nobody saw me

I was in the Blue mountains, Australia ...
..having a walk alone through the lovely mountain trails when i heard a helicopter and stepped over a small two foot fence and through a thin hedge to have a look. What greeted ne was a comedy moment of standing on a ledge with a 300 ft drop below me. my toes were hanging over the edge and the ground below me was crumbling away. My arms immitated a helicopter and i managed to grab thin branch and scatter back saying loudly to my self "you absolute wanker john" you f*cking idiot" and other simular self inflicting insults.
No one saw me. No one would have ever known i had fallen. I survived.
The helicopter was a yellow one.
(Sat 29th Jan 2011, 11:25, More)

» Council Cunts

A certain East London council...
Always seem to do whatever my partner asks them but never seem to acknowledge her letters. For example the zebra crossing outside the school was her idea. She wrote the letter and within a couple of months the council bought along some white paint and a Zebra crossing appeared. The overgrown hedge outside the Post office suddenly got clipped a couple of weeks after she wrote to our lovely council about it. And the teenagers don’t congregate outside the telephone boxes anymore….
However recently, she’s been getting very annoyed about “the “bl**dy stupid traffic island in the middle of the main road that suddenly appeared and has caused 3 accidents in the past 3 months”
In the councils’ defense, the island now makes it really easier to cross the busy road to the pub opposite. Previously patrons had to come out of our road and walk 100M to the zebra crossing (another one that’s always been there) and then double back ( yes another 100M) to get to the pub. The island now means a brisk 10 Meters road crossing takes just as long as it should, it’s safer for pedestrians and it means you can get to the pub quicker from our road…….well that’s what I wrote in the letter to the council when suggesting this marvelous idea!

Can’t remember mentioning it to the missus which is probably why I sort of shrink under the table whenever I hear about another car perched up 3 ft higher in the air than it should be.

length...? well it does get me home quicker after last orders.
(Mon 30th Jul 2007, 16:28, More)

» Pointless Experiments

mind power
When i was 9 i cycled very fast towards a brick wall whilst concentrating very hard in order that my mind would pull on the brakes and stop in time.
One broken arm later i discovered that i was in fact a bit of a tosser and had to accept that for the rest of my life i would have to stick to the conventional methods of the world.
(Tue 29th Jul 2008, 18:06, More)

» Conned

The London borough of Camden paid all our rent when we were signing on believing we had a 2 bed flat when it was a 4 bed flat (had big cupboards across the other 2 doorways when they visited) containing 2 x proffessional..........

...council employers.
(Fri 19th Oct 2007, 15:50, More)
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