b3ta.com user Jeepgun
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» Accidental animal cruelty

First post! Woo and yay!!
So, no matter how "herbally enhanced" you are, and no matter how convinced you are, that if she would only TRY IT, she'd LOVE IT, cats do NOT like the taste of Coke. (Not even if you sort of, "push" on the back of her head, when she leans over to investigate the strange dark, fizzy liquid that's filling her water dish.)

eh... not that I'm speaking from personal experience... *ahem*
(Thu 6th Dec 2007, 16:38, More)

» Terrible food

The Lasagne from Hell
Worst ever: We had some leftover salmon and the wife decided to make some lasagne. She reasoned that the two would go well together. (No, I don't know what drugs she was taking, as a matter of fact.) In fifteen years of marriage, that's the only time I was certain that she was trying to kill me by poisoning my food.

Nevertheless, I kept a poker face and managed to choke down a couple of bites. She sat down with a pleasant smile and took a bite. She looked at me with an expression of horror on her face. It was reflected in my own face...

We ordered out for pizza and never spoke of it again. *shudder*

(w00t!! B3ta cherry busted!!)
(Tue 22nd May 2007, 20:43, More)

» Shit Stories: Part Number Two

I'm Lovin' It (NOT!!)
So... A bunch of us divers are on our way to dive a local rock quarry that's about 40' deep.

On the way, one of the gals announces that she hasn't had breakfast, and asked if I wouldn't mind swinging through the McDonald's drive-thru. With a sigh, I pull off and we go through the line.

I decide that I could use a bit of something to eat too, so I get a Sausage McGriddle, which is now known as the "O Fuck Me McShittle."

We proceed to the quarry, and the first dive of the morning is uneventful. Chilly, but interesting, as we dove through the old shaker house and various buildings left over from when the quarry was operational.

We had a bit of lunch... Some sandwiches and other fairly innocuous fare. We went back in for the second dive, and ended up quite a ways from shore.

At depth, I felt an ominous churning in my gut, and then experienced a mighty rush of bubbles. Eh... but not from my tank or regulator. No... T'was from a region more southerly.

I sighed with relief... It seemed it was a false alarm, rather than a turd signaling for clearance. We continued on further from shore.

Suddenly, my guts and ass began churning with a ferocity only marginally surpassed by that of Hurricane Wilma.

Fuck me...

So, realizing that I had a bit of an emergency on my hand, I ascended, inflated my BCD, and began kicking for shore, where there was a porta-potty. I kicked and kicked and kicked, swimming with all my might.

It was like a nightmare, where you run as fast as you can and can't make any progress.

By now, I'm whimpering softly and feeling more than a little desperate. Bit by agonizing bit, I am making progress, but I'm fairly near to giving up all hope.

I finally arrive at shore, haul my gear-laden self out of the water, and run as fast as I can for the staging area, dump my tank and BCD, unzip my wetsuit and shuck it as quickly as I can.

By now, the pressure has built to excrutiating levels, and it's some kind of law that governs bladders and colons: The closer you are to relief, the more immediate the urge becomes.

GLORY BE!! FREE AT LAST!!! I'm down to my Speedos and run/waddle/OMFG to the porta-potty. I get inside, slam the lock on the door, whip my Speedos down, and without even being fully seated, my poor sphincter gives way, getting 90% of high-quality arse-pudding into the actual pit.

Eh... The other 10% decorated the seat in a rather festive shade of brown. I cleaned it up as best I could, and emerged, mopping the cold sweat from my brow and upper lip.

Never again! Never again, will I be tempted to have a McDonald's breakfast, especially if I know that I'm going to be in a place where relief may not be immediately available!
(Tue 1st Apr 2008, 14:32, More)

» Evil Pranks

Dammit, Mom!!
Mom bitched me out for something that I hadn't done. Later, when she was out of the house, I used furniture polish on the linoleum between her room and the kitchen, and buffed it out until it was slicker than greased owl shit. She came in later, and slipped, her body fully horizontal in the air, and then hit the floor with an almighty WHAM!!!

I had to quickly run down the hall into my room and bury my face in my pillows so she wouldn't hear my screams of laughter.
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 19:16, More)

» Evil Pranks

Have a smooth refreshing glass of toilet water!
Fairly new to the US Army, newly arrived at my duty station in Japan, I was working in an Army hospital/emergency room. (I was a medic.)

There was a sergeant who was assigned as my supervisor, who pretended to be my buddy. Always clapping me on the shoulder and smiling... You know the type.

Quite overweight himself, he was in danger of being booted out of the Army, but he was going behind my back and trying to get ME kicked out, in a desperate and futile ploy to make himself look better.

One day, he came over to my barracks room. I lived in a barracks across from the base gym. All sweaty and nasty, "Hey, buddy! *pant pant*" and sat his funky, sweat-dripping, nasty arse down on my BUNK!! Grrrrr....

An evil plan hatched itself in my mind.. "Gee, Sergeant," I said, "You look like you could use some water!"

"Thanks!! pant pant... puff puff..."

I went into the latrine, ran the water in the sink, scooped up a glass of water from the toilet bowl, then turned off the sink, dried the outside of the glass, and carried it out to him.

He drank it down like it was Dom Perignon. He left, shortly after, thanking me for the water.

I laughed until tears were squirting out of my eyes.

Shortly after, I received a much-envied transfer to the local aviation unit, (doing medevac), and the "good sergeant" was bounced out of the Army for being fat.

Karma's a bitch!
(Thu 13th Dec 2007, 17:14, More)
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