» Desperate Times

Desperate Times
Travelling down the motorway, Mum and Dad in the front, me in the back reading the newspaper.

Made them pull into a service station, so i could have a wank cos i'd just spent about an hour staring at Melinda Messenger's baps.

Well, i was desperate.
(Fri 16th Nov 2007, 10:33, More)

» I Drank Meths (pointless teenage things you did to shock)

High School Art.
End of Art lesson.
Boiling Hot Day in the middle of summer.
Switch ceiling fan off at mains.
Pout vast quantities of paint all over the top of the rotor blades.
Leave classroom.

Fan gets turned on, 30 kids get covered in paint.
Excellent.



This was also done with a sweeping brush, on the Art Room's black floor. Throw lots of shit all over the floor, apply quantities of silver and white paint to the bristles of the brush.
Laugh next lesson when you arrive and theres streaky paint marks all over the floor.
(Fri 20th Jul 2007, 13:39, More)

» The worst sex I ever had

Horrible.
Pissed as a fart, rutting away at this bird.
Shifted position and went for re-entry.
Must have slipped it up the wrong 'un cos the amount of friction was unreal.
"Bloody hell this is good" i thought. A few seconds later, something feels slightly weird.
A numbing sensation, that slowly turns into an unbearable streak of pain shooting through my body.
I look down to see my cock streaming with blood.
"Bollocks" thought me.
Got up without a word, and sprinted to the bathroom, to rinse it.
Bird walks in, to the sight of me, bollock naked, holding my (now shrivelled) cock under the cold water tap, whilst it pisses blood out.
Her reaction?

"Don't worry, it happens all the time"

Just no need is there.
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 14:24, More)

» Terrible Parenting

Super Dad
My mum had to go on a training course for a few days, over my birthday. Meaning my Dad would have to handle my birthday.
No big deal i though, since my Dad runs his own company, sorting out my birthday won't be that hard.
Wake up at 7am, rush down to see presents that Stephen Hawking would have wrapped better. Think nothing of it, as it's only wrapping paper.
Open the presents, an Action Man. BRILLIANT! It's what i asked for, except oh wait, it's one i've already got. My Dad obviously didn't realise there were more than one Action Man. A twinge of disappointment streaked through me now.
Move onto the cards, all's good. A little bit of money of grandparents and the likes, until i finally reach the last card. It reads 'Darly'. My names Daryl. Hmmm, its probably off a senile relative i think. But nope, inside "To Darly, Happy Birthday, Love Mum & Dad".

Mass tears thanks to my dad not only getting me the wrong present, but also spelling my name wrong.


Although he made up for it a few months later, when he removed the spindles on the bannister for the stairs, and left my 3 year old sister playing upstairs. Yes she did fall straight off the stairs. Yes she hurt herself. Yes i was waiting at the bottom watching her, hoping she'd fall. And yes i was absolutely laughing my tits off.


And there's the time he left an open full can of RED paint, perched ontop of the NAVY armchair, whilst me and my brother where chasing each other. And my mum was not too pleased to come home, to see a NAVY armchair, and a NAVY carpet now complete with red paint streaks all over it.
And he actually tried to blame it on me. He said "It was the kids, they were playing drums with them, and they must have hit it too hard and the lid flew off, and the paint went everywhere."

Oh yes dad, brilliant excuse, a 7yr old can hit a paint tin so hard it explodes.

I am dreading growing older, knowing i may possibly turn out like that.
(Fri 17th Aug 2007, 9:52, More)

» Phobias

Phobias
I don't actually have any classic Phobia's but there are a few things that completely freak me out.

I physically can't bring myself to write if the lid of the pen is placed on the end of it. It's makes my arm feel weird as fuck, like it's somebody else's.

I once went for a quick turd in a bar in my town. As i sat down and relieved myself, i noticed the flooring and walls. The floors were tiled, using square tiles. So were the walls, except in a different colour. Except the wall tiles were tiled almost diagonally. I say almost, because they hadn't got the angle right.

I got, what i could only liken to Vertigo from seeing this, and after going light headed and dizzy promptly fell off the toilet onto the pissy floor.

Once i'd left the toilet, i felt like an absolute tit.
(Thu 10th Apr 2008, 17:54, More)