b3ta.com user FerretTrout
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» Dumb things you've done

After a particularly heavy night on the beer, me and a few friends were sorting the sleeping arrangements back at mine.
All the sofas had been claimed, so I volunteer to haul the futon mattress I have stashed in my room downstairs so everyone gets a comfy nights sleep. Aren't I nice?
Whilst pulling/rolling/shoving the mattress out of my bedroom onto the landing, I have an idea. A fucking brilliant idea (or so I thought).

How cool would it be to ride the mattress all the way down the stairs? The mattress gets downstairs, I get a bit of fun and everyone will want a go!

Trembling with childish anticipation, I line the mattress up at the top of the stairs and take a few paces back into the bathroom. This is it, the ultimate in drunken entertainment (after porn).
I ran at the mattress and take a flying leap; I soar through the air with grace and style. I am Lord of the Mattress-stair-riding!!!!!!!

Or I would have been, had I grabbed the mattress.

Unfortunately I realised my mistake mid-flight. Rather than put my arms out to break the fall, I just left them flailing out behind me. My head connected with the floor three foot away from the front door. I then slide head first into the front door, my body crumpling up behind me.
Apparently I was conscious but very limb and unable to talk for some time. Still, I perked up after a while and went to bed, nursing a nasty headache.

Awoke next day with the pillow stuck to my face by blood and pus from the carpet burn/graze behind my ear and a slight twinge in my neck.

My friends have never let me forget the fact I dived head first down my own stairs, for no good reason. :-(
(Thu 20th Dec 2007, 13:24, More)

» Karma

Redressing the Balance
I'm a firm beliver in Karma. So much so that when bad or unfair things happen to me for no reason, I go out and kick a child in the face, just to balance things out.

(Tue 26th Feb 2008, 21:35, More)

» Guilty Pleasures, part 2

Hours of Fun
I give a colleague of mine a lift home every night, and he likes to wait and have a cigarette while I go get the car. However, when I pull up and he walks to the door, I reverse a few yards back. When he gets to the door again, I drive forward a few yards.

Every day.

My record is 14 times back & forth before he secured the door handle. I'm going for 15 tonight.
(Thu 13th Mar 2008, 12:16, More)

» Stupid Dares

Chewits? I don't think so!!!!
Many years ago when I was young, stupid and tucking into a big bag of chewits with my brother, he made a passing comment about the name of such sweets.
"I know why they call 'em chewits." He said.
"whys that then?" said I (see, told you I was stupid)
"Coz you gotta chew 'em" He points out.
"Nah you don't" I retort.
" Go on then. I dare you to shallow one without chewing" He grins.
Bang. Straight down. At least it would have been had it not got wedged in my throat.
Cue much coughing, choking and laughing (from my brother, not me. I was scared shitless!) until my dad nearly smashed my spine though my back forcing it out.
As I lay there in tears, dribble and blackcurrent flavoured drool my brother said,
"told you,twat"
(Thu 1st Nov 2007, 18:34, More)

» Advice from Old People

Dad's little secret...
My old man always advised me that "If you ever get into a scrap, remember his bollocks are just as soft as yours"

How does my dad know how soft everybody’s bollocks are? And more to the point, how does he know how soft MINE are?
(Thu 19th Jun 2008, 16:42, More)
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