» Accidental innuendo

Pop!
We were walking in the Lakes a few years ago and saw some paragliders setting up on the top of the hill. It wasn't particularly windy and I think they were struggling to get going.
My mad aunt then stepped towards them, opened her arms and shouted, "come on then, I'll suck you all off"
She still didn't realise what she'd said after we'd dragged her away and stopped laughing a week later.
First time.... be gentle!
(Mon 16th Jun 2008, 10:57, More)

» Darwin Awards

Summer Holiday Petrol Japes
Ah, the long summer holidays as kids, weeks and weeks with nothing to do but bask in the sun, pester our parents for food and drink and watch Why Don't You.... God we were bored.
Luckily my Uncle had a petrol mower, and a tin of petrol to fill it with. So what else were we going to do when everyone was out and we were left to our own devices? It was only natural to start making fires with pools of petrol.
At first we were very careful, small spot of petrol on the patio, put the tin in the garage, light the petrol, admire the flames, job done. But we wanted more, much more, so the small spot became a small puddle, then a bigger puddle, then we covered a whole flag stone and got a bit lazy with the tin.... it was inevitable what would happen in the end.
We covered 2 large patio flags with petrol, put the tin casually to the side and lit the pool. The resultant blaze was momentarily out of control, then we realised, far too late, that we'd left a trail of petrol leading to the tin.
We watched in horror as the trail of flame shot up the side of the tin and then one of us had the bright idea of kicking the tin over to stop the flames going into it (of course we hadn't put the top back on.)
Flames literally shot out of the top of the tin to a height of about 10 feet. We were thinking that only Red Adair would be able to put them out, they were that high. God knows how we managed to control it, but we got the fire out on the tin, leaving a small fire in the soil that would not go out for ages, no matter how much water we put on it (the petrol must have really soaked in around there.)
We tidied up as best we could, put the tin of petrol back in the garage, cleaned the scorched patio, and then ran off to hide. When my Aunt came home it took her all of 5 seconds to realise what had happened - the whole house reeked of petrol. Then she looked at us and laughed. We all had singed hair, eyebrows and eyelashes - we hadn't realised. We got away reasonably lightly, although my eyebrows still have patches missing, over 20 years later, but looking back it could have been a whole lot worse. Happy Days!
Length? Longer than my eyelashes!
(Tue 17th Feb 2009, 8:50, More)

» Tramps

Cheeky Bum
In 2002 a bunch of friends and I were in Bath for a night out. We dumped our stuff where we were staying and headed straight out to the bright lights of Bath City centre. First stop for us all was a cashpoint to get us all some beer tokens. The nearest one, as it turned out, was a supermarket just outside the centre.
This supermarket had a covered walkway leading towards it, and in there were some gentlemen of the night, asking if we had any spare change, which of course we didn't.
Once we were all cashed up we headed back up the walkway to be confronted by the sight of a very generous lady offering these bums sandwiches she'd just bought for them.
One of the bums then made us all stop and stare by saying to this lovely lady "I don't like prawn, have you got any chicken?"
Shocking. I mean - THE NERVE of these people! What more can you ? This country.
(Wed 8th Jul 2009, 14:16, More)