» Evil Pranks

mother-in-law, don't most deserve it?
A few years back, think it was april fools day actually, we turned on the shower, then proceeded to turn off the water at the mains.
Cue one now off shower with no water pressure. After disconnecting the water feed to the bathroom from the boiler downstairs, we the used nearly 4 bottles of ketchup filling the shower pipes up.
Shower off, water back on, and wait.

When the monster in law jumped in the shower in the morning, the scream that erupted from the bathroom was bloody intense, the dog heard it before me. I just spat my cornflakes at my missus and pissed my self laughing, while my other half was trying to gain access to the bathroom to 'help mum'.

I've been divorced now for 2 years, but it's still a really fond memory.
(Fri 14th Dec 2007, 0:36, More)

» Drunk Parents


I am a live in carer for an 87 year old chap and have been for nearly a year.
I was his wifes carer before she passed away 5 years ago.
They never had any children and I've always refered to the old boy and his late wife as 'mums' and 'pop', so he's my unoffical adopted dad so this story counts.

Anyway, he likes a drink and has done for about 50 years, he'll go through an average of a litre of gin a day, his choice and to quote him "I'm over 80 years old, I've earned the bloody right to drink and somethings gotta kill me so I shall die doing what I know."

This to me in some ways is a fair enough comment so if he wants to have a drinky he will, he still eats ok and it's actually very hard to tell if he's drunk or not and is usually only evident maybe twice a week when he needs a bit more help getting to bed.

About 3 days ago, I made him aware that I was gonna be changing his catheter bag for a new one as I needed a fresh sample for testing, not a problem and shall let him know when.
He's got a couple cans of special brew in the fridge that he bought about 6 years ago and went out of date about 4 years ago that he doesn't want to throw out, and yesterday he asked if I could fetch him his 'handle', which is one of those olde style pint glasses with the handle, so I go get it out of the cupboard and give it to him.

I then go outside for a smoke and a tinker with the motorbike and he calls me in.
He then tells me that his beer tastes funny, so me thinking that he opened the special brew told him that would be why.
He then points out he's only just poured it and where's he poured it from.

In his drunken state he had decided to help me get a sample for him by opening the valve on the bottom of his cath-bag and emptying the contents into a pint glass for me.
This was how he decided he was a bit drunk, because he instantly forgot he had done that and saw a pint glass with a 3rd of a pint in it and assumed it was what he was drinking.
One hefty swig of it later and deciding it was 'off' was when he and I decided he had had enough to drink.

I have no idea why he thought a warm beer would be in his glass, or why he decided that I could have his sample in a pint glass.

Over the past few years he and his wife have done some daft stuff while drinking together so may add some more later, he's not my real dad but is as close to one as I've got while my biological dad is the twunt that he is.
(Mon 28th Feb 2011, 20:50, More)

» I Quit!

Bike Shop
I used to work at a bike shop, in Dorset somewhere.....
Anyhoos I LOVED this job, boss was a bit of a twat but most are, so I tolerated it.
When it came to me buying stuff from there i only got a 20% discount, so I used to get hold of the reps and see what deals i could get for cash off them.
We used to get extra 'staff' in over the summer hols time to cope with the demand on trade, the 'staff' employed were generally little posh snots from the local community.
Because they were only doing the work for about 4 weeks, they were paid in cash at a lower rate than myself, I being there for 5 years expected nothing less.
I then realised (because I paid the twunts) that their take home a week was MORE than mine due to me getting tax and NI reductions, which was the first thing that miffed me off.
I then found out that they were getting the same discount as me, and if they paid cash (i used to use my card) they got a 25% discount.

Edit start:

I was given a severe bollocking in front of MY staff and customers for theft of a tenner, half an hour later he realised that he had fucked up cashing up the previous day, I got NO apology, NOTHING.

I was only supposed to work 9am-5pm, but because i enjoyed my job he took advantage of me, and I let him somehow. I was averaging 8am-7pm with no extra pay. I was on a 'variable' shift, which meant that on a monday I'd find out when my 2 days off were supposed to be but then they'd be changed by wednesday.
Not bloody good when you want to take kids to the beach or something.
I also spent nearly the entire easter holidays (2 weeks) one time without seeing my kids awake due to how much i was working.
Unfortunately I'd be ready to leave work most days at 5.30 ish, and he'd go and organise some stupid bloody thing, that'll take to 8, then fuck off leaving me to sort it out.
I did not have ONE day on ANY weekend off in 4 years, unless it was christmas day.

Because i also didn't have a licence i used to cycle to work, 7 miles, half of which was uphill across new forest heathland, and when a wind hits you, you stop dead, it used to take me about 30 mins to cycle there and on the days he knew i was gonna get there just before 8, he'd phone me as i was walking in the door and say he's changed my work day so i wasn't needed.
I was only supposed to be there basically to fix punctures all day, but i ended up doing everything he was supposed to do, and then receiving the bollocking if an order wasn't put in, and I wasn't even aware of such an order.
I got given the joyous job of organising the staff rota, thinking i'd be able to sort out my days off was probably a bit naive of me because 2 days after the rotas were sorted, he'd come in and change them and i wouldn't notice and then when someone wasn't in on their new work day, i'd get shafted for it.

I used to enjoy my work, and because of that i did allow myself to be talked into doing other odds and sods, but to get things organised for others and then dumped on me?? fuck that, I put up with it for just shy of 5 years.

I also booked a weeks holiday about 8 months in advance, when the date got closer he kept trying to change it, like fuck was I having that, it would've been the first time i spent more than 1 day in a row with my kids and missus. Upon my return I was greeted with a nice printed envelope 'F.A.O. M.Reject', I opened it, and it was my 3rd and final warning, I had never had ANY others before, plus a full blown disciplinary. The outcome of the disciplinary was to give me a bollocking for not moving the takings on a daily basis into the bank across the road, during my HOLIDAY!!
I was on holiday FFS, HE was supposed to be covering for ME when I was away, was i too stupid to think that my boss/the owner of the shop needed training to secure the takings?
The average 'part-time' staff only stuck it for 4 weeks at the most.
His youngest son started working for him when he left school, only to decide to carry on to higher education about 2 weeks later. His eldest done about 5 days, then just turned round and told his dad he's had enough and he's fucking off.
He actually moved out of his dad's house that day before his dad got home, and hasn't spoken to him since, I think that explains a lot, don't you?
It's one thing to be 'stern' with a small business, but completely different when nearly all his staff would've rather been interrogated by the gestapo

:edit end


That was it for me, there was actually smaller shitty things as well, but this was the end of the line for me already. but this was what made me crack.

I phoned up my boss one day when he was at some convention or some shit in Fleet, which is about 70 miles from the shop.
I asked him 'How much notice does someone need if they want to quit?'. He obviously thinking about one of our part time lads reponds with, 'If they want to quit, then that's it, they've quit.'
I then told him 'That's fine then, there's no-one here to run the shop, I quit.'
So at about 1pm, on what was turning out to be a busy day, I walked out across the road bought a pint at the pub and sat in the beer garden for over an hour watching customers walking into the shop coming then coming out looking bewildered for a bit then buggering off. I left 25-30 grands worth of bike equipment and bikes there for the taking.
He had difficulty finding anyone to do my job after that, getting paid from 9am-5pm but working 8am-7pm, would you do it??

There is a chance i 'may' have taken some stuff myself. he deserved it though.
(Fri 23rd May 2008, 1:51, More)

» Kids

My younger brother, when he was about 8, I think. Painful story guys.
We had family or friends staying round, so we had a 'zed-bed' shoved in our bedroom, to accommodate older brother while friends/family/people we didn't know, stole his room for a while.
Anyway, if anyone knows how dangerous these things are, you may guess what's coming, but you're wrong.
My brother sat on this thing, and one of the springs popped up, as he stood up, it caught his 'bag of love spuds' and ripped it open!!
I shit you not, it had torn it in half, from base of his nob all the way down.
He cried, I told mum that 'Chris has ripped his bollocks open'.
Still makes me cringe to this day, and it was nearly 20 years ago now.


One from my kids now.
My daughter is a real daddys girl, and I've always had difficulty in telling if she's ever not telling me the complete truth.
I read something somewhere, and used it on her, it worked a treat, but she's figured it out now.
When she was about 4, I told her that if she tells me a fib(why is that word only used with kids?) then a light turns on on her forehead that only mummy and daddy can see.
She started covering her forehead when she fed me complete bullshit from then on, worked a bloody treat. Unfortunately, she's now 7 and knows it doesn't work now.


Got loads about my little shitbags angels.
(Thu 17th Apr 2008, 19:02, More)

» DIY disasters

Not me, but some twunt before me in my house. but my house now and I will sort it, one day. maybe.
When we moved into our house, there was a full size door and frame at the back of our cupboard under the stairs, ooh thinks I, Narnia! I open it and do I find a lion? do i fuck, I find myself staring at the contents of one of our kitchen cupboards, and the side of our microwave. The 'door' is an old one, that wasn't removed when the new kitchen was built about 15 years ago.

Light switches.
The switch in our dining room turns the kitchen light on and off.
The switch in the kitchen turns the outside security lights on and off.
The switch in the hallway, next to the kitchen door controls the dining room.

To make matters a bit worse, in our shed (old portacabin), someone has installed sockets AND a fusebox, excellent thinks I, new workshop, Xbox room, escape from the missus place, or all of the above.
Get some bits in there, only to find that the same twunt that done the light switches had installed the electrics in the shed.
The frigging retard had somehow managed to take power from the security lights, so you'd only have power in the shed if the security lights had been activated.
Took nearly a week of wondering why the power kept going in the shed every 10 mins.

I fixed that with a ingenius device, called a bloody-great-long-extension-cord-out-of-the-bog-window, (device name copyrighted), still works a treat to this day.
(Fri 4th Apr 2008, 5:10, More)