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» My most gullible moment

See its a foreign bike luv...
So my mate at work had just bought a new bike, it was a grey import from Japan and had the speedo in Kms but apart from that was fine. It was cheap cos of this but suited him perfectly and he was dead happy with it.

So following Friday night I'm with him and the gf at the post work beerage on the Queen Mary (should you be familiar with the floating beer palace). He mentions his cool new bike to her and then wanders to get his round in. I conspiratorially lean over and say yea, but its not that good a bike, I mean its a hassle to ride cos its not from the UK. Oh and why is that says? said gf.

Cos its a left hand drive bike.

She nods and goes oh that must be really difficult in traffic then.

Uh yea, cough splutter, beer spillage.

Said mate returns and sees me dribbling beer in distress and asks what.

Gf comiserates with him about the old left hand drive status, he sniggers, I gufaw and gf punches me in a hard sweary way. Much loling and a significant huff followed.

One of several examples so clicky for more tales of resultant punches:)
(Fri 22nd Aug 2008, 16:38, More)

» The nicest thing someone's ever done for me

Good Samaritan
So I was driving my van alone across Australia. I was doing one of my many 1000km days to get me from Kakadu national park down to the dodgy highway 66 to Mount Isa. I was pushing hard as it was getting late and I really didn't want to stop early in Katherine I wanted to get to Mataranka. Petrol stations close at dusk, the roads are more dangerous as cattle, camels, cows and kangaroos are more active at night. I had bull bars but that will make bugger all difference if you hit a camel. The only people who drive at night are the road trains (will fuck up a camel and keep going) and the nutters.

So its gone dusk and I'm breaking my rule about driving at night but I'm nearly there, another 30 miles roughly.

Anyway, the lights start to dim and I'm thinking hmmm thats odd. So I wake out of my daze and look at the dash, the battery warning light is on. Shit the battery is dead, the alternator isn't charging it or the fan belt has gone.

Pull over and open up the engine and peer in with the last few rays of sunlight. Yup I've snapped the fanbelt driving too hard to get into town tonight.

I have a spare and some cheap tools so go get the bits and set up the warning triangle 50 yards up the road.

Its now dark, I'm alone in the same spot that those two backpackers were murdered a few years before...

Anyway, the bastard bolts won't come off of the tensioner for the belt to get the new one on. I'm cursing away when an old ute turns up and this guy gets out and asks whats up. I point to the broken fan belt by my feet and mention I'm trying to fix it.

He says there is a station over there and they probably have a UMTS phone with a signal out here (my GSM one didn't get coverage out here). So I grab my valuables (abandoned vehicles tend to get stripped if left un attended) and sit in the back of the ute with his dog and we rattle up to the station. I get to call the breakdown services on their mobile and they won't accept any payment for the call.

So back to the truck and I'm going to have some food and wait. The guy refuses to go and says he'll wait with me.

After 45 mins I'm getting nervous they are not coming as they should have been there by now.

So I decide to have a go at the bolts again with my cheap tools. We both work at them and still no sign of the breakdown truck.

Eventually brute force and some additional leverage we got the new belt on and tight enough to run the alternator. The engine starts and I'm all set. I realise I'm out of cash and all I have of value is a pack of beer in the fridge in the back of the van.

I offer Steve to come into town with me and I'll buy him dinner at the main hotel. He is working on another station and if he is late they will think something has happened to him and start looking to see if he's had an accident so he wants to press on.

I gave him my beer, a big handshake and a thank you for saving me from a night by the side of the road camped in my van and off he went.

Its this spirit, kindness and honest integrity that makes the Australian people awesome. I experienced many other examples on my travels too, but this was a big one.
(Sat 4th Oct 2008, 18:07, More)

» Training courses, seminars and conferences

Corporate courses...
Well there have been a few good ones, the defensive driver courses which involved a hire car and an ex police driving instructor was fun, the short anti-incursion training session in camp by the ex SAS security chief, but the best was while working in an office on the same location as a chemicals site. This meant we had our own fire station. I hang my head in shame for never having managed to get a go (or steal the keys) of the fire engine. However I did get to do the fire extinguisher course :)

Water - pretty cool against propane burner, Powder - to create an instant winter wonderland, Foam - boring slow petrol fire but the best was the CO2 extinguisher to put out a vat of petrol with propane bubbling through it, this was like being an F1 Marshal after one of those nasty incidents in the pits.

So if you are ever offered the chance to do a fire extinguisher course run by professionals jump at it and if its not on the training list, suggest it to your HSE manager. I mean, all that photocopy paper stacked in the corner near Dave from accounts wearing too much hair gel is a disaster waiting for a fire extinguisher hero.

Advice to students - if you have to set off a fire extinguisher, the water one is pathetic, always grab CO2 and never set off the powder one within 100m of your room.
My work here is done :)
(Fri 16th Mar 2012, 11:38, More)

» Neighbours

Noisy Yah Students
So while living in Aberdeen in a shared student house with a flat of English Yah Wankers upstairs,we gradually became more and more annoyed with them. The main issue was them dumping their rubbish in the stairwell and bits of razor blades etc falling out of the bags onto the floor. We'd have to move them out to the bins at the back.

So we hit on a great idea... we found the water stopcock and proceeded to gradually turn their water off over the next 7 days. When they finally did find out why their water had reduced to a trickle we were challenged. I remember opening the flat door and being asked if I turned off their water. With a straight face I said no and asked my flatmate stood in the kitchen if our water was working whereby he turned the tap on to gush fresh water in full view of Yah Wanker. :)

When they started playing lots of music late at night before exams we went to the garage and bought one of those "the world's best pipe band music" CD classics that only a garage can sell, returned home and put it onto the home made valve amp and home made uber speakers of my audiophile flatmate upped the volume, arranged CD repeat and went out drinking for 6 hours.

On refreshed return the request for it to be turned down was because the one with the bedroom above was having difficulty sleeping as his bed was vibrating across the room with the noise. :)

Yah wankers tamed. Yay!
(Thu 1st Oct 2009, 12:57, More)

» Mix Tapes

Is it Thursday yet?
(Tue 12th Feb 2008, 19:38, More)
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