b3ta.com user HNGTHDJ
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» The worst sex I ever had

Not me, but an old flatmate...

Basically he's upstairs having sex with his girlfriend when mid-shag he decides that he needs the toilet. So he heads downstairs and goes to the toilet. The stops to have a chat with our other flatmate, Chris. Then makes a cheese sandwich. A grilled cheese sandwich. Eats that, watches a bit of 24 with Chris, then heads off upstairs to finish his missus off. Talk about intermission...

The worst sex I've ever had? A girl that shouted "Hallelujah!" when she climaxed...very disturbing. Messiah-tastic!
(Fri 15th Jun 2007, 14:26, More)

» Why should you be fired from your job?

Milky cocks
I work for a large, pseudo-Italian coffee shop chain that shall remain nameless (it might rhyme with "Foster"...). I do very little work even at the best of times, and find that much of the work I do actually do is criticized anyway for not meeting whichever senseless new rule they've bought in that week. For example, they have banned 'latte art' on their coffees. Latte art basically entails drawing shapes on top of the drinks using the frothed milk, common ones being hearts, apples and even ferns. However, in my own special way, I have been doing my best to fight against this bureaucratic rule-mongering and tarnish the image they work so maintain. How you ask? By drawing big milky cocks on top of people's drinks of course! I then sprinkle on a touch of chocolate powder to add 'pubes' and then you have the perfect 'cockaccino'. Somehow, I haven't been caught yet. Perhaps because most people are too polite to complain? Or maybe people just see the funny side of it?
(Tue 14th Aug 2007, 16:57, More)

» Crazy Relatives

Good question
My dad's mum once opened a paper street map while we were visiting Durham and exclaimed "There's no 'you-are-here!".

My mum's mum leaves her purse in the oven.

Not too crazy, but we love 'em. Just.
(Mon 9th Jul 2007, 22:58, More)

» And that's the thanks I got

I'm emo
And that's all the angst I get.
(Wed 30th May 2007, 22:42, More)

» Pet Stories

My feline
I have a young cat called Dodger...before I explain why he's a legend, I need to give you some quick info on the layout of my house. Bear with me here.

My dad is an illustrator and has an office with a window in it that looks out over our yard. Directly beneath the window in the yard is a garden bench.

So y'see. One day it was raining hard and Dodger (being the dappy sod that he is) is outside and desperate to get in. So he wisely climbs up to the window sill of my dad's office and juuust about starts to squeeze in through said window. Realising he was about to tread wet paw prints over weeks of artwork, my dad gives him a little shove back out the window and thinks no more of it.

Except, Dodger doesn't turn up for dinner that evening.

Nor the evening after next.

Nor the evening after next...

A few days go by and no sign of Dodger (his brother, the aptly-named Fatty, is making the most of a whole tin of Whiskas to himself each day). Then we're shocked to see him return looking very sorry for himself, dragging a bag of bones that used to be a front leg with him. What had actually happened was, he'd fallen off the window sill and snapped his leg between the slats of wood on the bench...poor bugger! Needless to say dad was feeling somewhat guilty and ashamed of himself.

So now our cat has an enormous metal pin in it's leg leading to his nickname: The Bionic Cat.
(Tue 12th Jun 2007, 23:50, More)
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